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Old 08/21/2005, 1:57 AM
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Default Monologue: Bryan Callen (#102)

Bryan- Himself

(Setting: On the main stage)
Bryan: Hi. I'm Bryan Callen.

[Applause]

[Applause]

Bryan: I--I just-- I just want to say how incredibly lucky I feel to be part of this show. You see, because to be honest, luck had pretty much everything to do with why Iím standing here right now. You see, the guy that I was competing against was not only sexier and better looking-- It's possible, it's possible-- But he was funnier, too. However, lucky for me he was also a total jerk, and I say that because when it came time to audition, I turned to him and I said, uh, "Hey, good luck, man. You're a really funny guy," To which he replied, get this, "Hey, thanks a lot, man." Hey, thanks a lot, man? So, you know, Iím not stupid, right? You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out what he was really saying there was, "You talent less parasite. Why don't you go back to junior college where you belong?" Well, as luck would have it, as he was going into the audition, I went to stretch like this... (punches air) and somehow I caught his face in my fist by accident, and it was really funny because his head just went... Unh! Unh! (Waves head around) So now he's standing in front of me, and he's making this, like, ridiculous face (contorts face to look hurt) and I could see that he was about to attack, so I realized very quickly that I was gonna have to defend myself. So I took a step back, and I just said... (Doing Karate moves in mid air) Iye! Iye! Jah! Iye! Eee... Ahh... Ahh... So, anyway, lucky for me they couldn't use anybody with a crushed-in cranium and no teeth. So here I am, Mr. Lucky. (Waves goodbye and walks offstage)

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