[MADtv] CSI Mayberry #1-2 (#1416)

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Cast:

Andy Griffith: Andy Taylor: Matt Braunger
Don Knotts: Barney Fife: Eric Price
Ron Howard: Opie Taylor: Crista Flanagan
Frances Bavier: Beatrice "Aunt Bee" Taylor: Lauren Pritchard
Announcer #1 (Never Seen): Keegan-Michael Key
Announcer #2 (Never Seen): Bill Vogel

Legend:

(When something is in brackets and italicized, that means that it is a descriptive moment).

Sketch #1:

(View of Mayberry with the music playing in the background. Scene shifts to Andy and Barney walking into the police station).

Don Knotts: Barney Fife: Well I say Andy what we need to do is drive up to my pilot and get some of those fancy bullet proof vests. These streets ain't safe.



Andy Griffith: Andy Taylor: Barney Fife the only time you got shot at is when you dropped your own gun with the safety off.

Don Knotts: Barney Fife: Ohh! (shocked) Holy cow Andy (Otis's mangled body is shown. Barney is off-screen)!

What the heck happen here.



Andy Griffith: Andy Taylor (Off-Screen: Well I'll be.



Don Knotts: Barney Fife: I told you Andy, (on-screen. Barney is mopping up the scene) these streets ain't safe.

Andy Griffith: Andy Taylor: Poor Otis.



Don Knotts: Barney Fife (Off-Screen): And on the day he was (on-screen) gonna get released.



Andy Griffith: Andy Taylor (Off-Screen): Barney (On-Screen), I'd say the only thing Otis is going to do today is (puts on sunglasses. In deep voice) get Mayburied.

(Barney looks stage forward

CSI Mayberry logo and song appears.

Stars names appear in-between shots of the town.

Barney is observing a sugar cube.

Music changes back to the Andy Griffith Show music as Andy analyzes a cotton swab.

Barney drops the sugar cube in his coffee, and stirs it with the pinchers. Andy puts the cotton swab in his ear

Barney takes pictures of the crime scene.)

Don Knotts: Barney Fife: Andy, I took the crime scene photos.

Andy Griffith: Andy Taylor: Good job Barn.



Don Knotts: Barney Fife (Off-Screen): Now (on-screen) we just take these down to the Woolworths, and we should get them back in about 2 or 3 weeks.

Andy Griffith: Andy Taylor: Excellent work Barn.

(Opie walks in).

Ron Howard: Opie Taylor: Hey pa. Aunt Bee told me to bring over some of her apple pie.

Andy Griffith: Andy Taylor: Hand it over Opie.

(Opie hands the pie over the desk to Andy).

Ron Howard: Opie Taylor: Jeepers pa, what's all that red stuff over the walls?

Don Knotts: Barney Fife: Remember Otis?



Ron Howard: Opie Taylor: You mean the town drunk who always use to invite me into the washroom at Goobers fillin station?

Don Knotts: Barney Fife: Yup, that use to be (off-screen) him.

Someone butchered him.

Ron Howard: Opie Taylor: Jeepers pa, that's a real live dead

body. I'm so traumatised, I recon I might just move to Hollywood, lose all my hair and make movies with no edge.

Andy Griffith: Andy Taylor: Now son I'll have none of that talk (off-screen). We've got work to do.

Don Knotts: Barney Fife (On-Screen): Your right boss. Hey here's a (struggles to get his words out as he brings up the CSI kit). CSI kit.

Ron Howard: Opie Taylor: Oh cool pa.

Andy Griffith: Andy Taylor (Off-Screen. Andy is opening up the kit): Now you stay away from this Opie. This is state of the art (the kit contain things like 3D movie glasses, marbles, and containers that are labelled things like screw eye holes, and marbles)

forensic equipment. Barn, put on you special (on-screen) DNA viewing glasses. We got to get to testing these splatter samples. I'll get the black light (CSI music plays as Andy takes out a black person holding a light. Andy and Barney then analyse the crime scene. Andy examines the outside of the cell while Barney analyzes the inside. Andy tastes something on the railing). Blood.

Don Knotts: Barney Fife (Tasting the Body): Blood.

Andy Griffith: Andy Taylor (Tasting lower Bar): Blood.

Don Knotts: Barney Fife (Tasting the Body): Uhh,

caramel (off-screen). Nutmeg

(on-screen) flower (inhales). Apples!

Ron Howard: Opie Taylor: Jeepers pa, that sounds like Aunt Bee's apple pie.



Don Knotts: Barney Fife: You think he's right Andy? Maybe Aunt Bee has something to do with all this?



Andy Griffith: Andy Taylor: Well let's get Aunt Bee on the horn (Scene shifts to Andy turning the dial on the rotary phone 5 times, while Barney and Opie watch).

Oh shoot. Misdial (Hits receiver. Rotates rotary 4 times). Butterscotch. Did it again (Hits receiver. Rotates rotary 7 times). I plum forgot the whole number.

Don Knotts: Barney Fife: There's only 4 Andy.

Andy Griffith: Andy Taylor: There's 6 numbers in the whole county and this... Ugh.

(Aunt Bee enters).

Frances Bavier: Beatrice "Aunt Bee" Taylor: Andy. Oh, howdy boys.

Andy Griffith: Andy Taylor: Aunt Bee, I was just trying to call you to...

Frances Bavier: Beatrice "Aunt Bee" Taylor: Why?!

You think I butchered

Otis in some rough sexual encounter that went too far when the drunk pig didn't use a safety word?!

I mean, more pie?

(Puts the pie on the table).

Andy Griffith: Andy Taylor: Cuff her Barn.

(Barney walks up to cuff her).

Frances Bavier: Beatrice "Aunt Bee" Taylor: Wha, wha. Popo ain't takin me in alive!

(Knees Barney in the groin and starts to run).

Ron Howard: Opie Taylor: Pa (off-screen), she's runnin clear off the set.

(Barney chases her. Show changes to Cops Mayberry as logo appears. Barney catches her and throws her up against a foam wall).

Announcer #1: Cops Mayberry will be back after these (Barney starts to beat Aunt Bee on the ground) commercial messages.

(Sketch #1 Ends).

Sketch #2:

(Law and Order logo appears on black background).



Announcer #2: In the criminal justice system sexually based offenses committed by fat old ladies who bake are considered especially hennas. The 2 dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as (word Mayberry Victims Unit in capital red letters appear underneath the Law and Order sign)
Mayberry Victims Unit.

These are there stories.

(Script appears (see picture below)

Aunt Bee is sitting in a chair and being interrogated by Barney and Andy).

Andy Griffith: Andy Taylor: We have your prints

and DNA all over the scene.

Frances Bavier: Beatrice "Aunt Bee" Taylor: Oh I ain't saying nothin about nothin!

Don Knotts: Barney Fife: Well maybe this new fangled

tazer will loosen your tongue.

Andy Griffith: Andy Taylor: Good idea Barn. Fetch the tazer.

(Barney gets the tazer).

Frances Bevier: Beatrice "Aunt Bee" Taylor: Oh (off-screen) Andy

(Barney brings the large tazering machine out. Sighs as he holds his side).

Don Knotts: Barney Fife: After about (starts turning the crank) 5 ta 7 minutes of cranking, this puppy will be all warmed up, and boy is it going to smart!

Frances Bevier: Beatrice "Aunt Bee" Taylor: Oh Andy.

(Script appears (see picture below).



Don Knotts: Barney Fife: Hey Andy, you wanna lend a hand here?

Andy Griffith: Andy Taylor: Sure thing Barn.

(Andy takes over turning the crank. Barney goes to where Andy was standing).

Don Knotts: Barney Fife (Off-Screen): Now once that things (on-screen) warmed up you're gonna get a dickens of a tazin.

(Script Appears (see picture below)).



(Scene shifts back to Barney is now back working the crank).

Don Knotts: Barney Fife: I don't know why this is takin so long.

(Starts cranking it with his foot. Script appears (See picture below).

Scene shifts back to the station where Aunt Bee is now cranking the tazer and Barney is leaning on the chair).

Frances Bavier: Beatrice "Aunt Bee" Taylor: I don't know why I'm helping you boys, I should have run when I had the chance.

(Script appears (See image below)

Aunt Bee is being tazed).

Frances Bavier: Beatrice "Aunt Bee" Taylor: Don't taze me boys! Oh oh oh! Oh, it doesn't hurt anymore.

Don Knotts: Barney Fife: Aww, it's run out of juice.

Frances Bavier: Beatrice "Aunt Bee" Taylor: Oh.

(Barney pulls out his gun).

Don Knotts: Barney Fife: Aww f**k it!

Frances Bavier: Beatrice "Aunt Bee" Taylor: Oh

Oh!

(Screen goes black when the shot is fired. Sketch #2 ends).