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Old 01/05/2005, 5:51 AM
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Default The Oprah Winfrey Show: Economy Advice (#802)

Oprah Winfrey - Debra Wilson
Dr. Phil - Michael McDonald
Audience Member 1 - Stephnie Weir
Audience Member 2 - Jill-Michele Melean
Audience Member 3 - Bobby Lee

(Oprah logo and theme music, cut to Oprah standing on stage near a seated Dr. Phil. The Oprah audience cheers)

Oprah: Hello! How are you, welcome to the show! Hey, guess what you guys. Dr. Phil is here!

(Dr. Phil waves as the Oprah audience cheer)

Oprah: He's great, and I'm doing great. We're both doing great! But unfortunately, the economy is not doing so great. And that's what we talk about in this month's O Magazine.

(Magazine cover appears on screen. On it, Oprah is gleefully lying in a bath tub filled with money, the magazine title reads 'Oprah Tells You How to Fix the Economy!'. Cut back to Oprah)

Oprah: In fact that's what we're talking about on our show today. The struggling economy. How do we cope? Hm? How do we cope? Because everyone knows it's hard. It's hard, it's hard. Yes. And it's hard on everyone, isn't it Dr. Phil? (sitting down next to Dr. Phil)

Dr. Phil: (nodding) Absolutely Oprah.

Oprah: We've all had to make cut-backs, we've all had to make sacrifices. And girlfriends it ain't easy!

Dr. Phil: Absolutely Oprah. It's a shooting pain in the neck.

Oprah: Yes, and you know what Dr. Phil, some of the best ways to cut down, is cut down on luxury items. If you have five homes and you're only using two, cut your staff in half. Do it today.

(The Oprah audience claps)

Dr. Phil: (nodding) Absolutely Oprah. That is certainly your idea and a great one.

Oprah: And another thing. Three words, write this down: Buy a mountain. Buy a mountain. Mountains make great tax write-offs, okay. I cannot wait to see my return from Titicaca.

Dr. Phil: Absolutely Oprah.

Oprah: Buy a mountain. Go out and buy a mountain, do it today. Do it today.

(The audience applaud and some call out 'yes')

Oprah: And last but not least, actually this is the most important thing, okay. You've got to prepare, people, for the long haul, you just have to do it, okay. And the best way to outlast a bad economy is instruct your research facility to make their primary goal your immortality. Do it today. Live long and prosper. (does the Star Trek sign with her hand) Do it today, do it. Right Dr. Phil?

Dr. Phil: Absolutely Oprah. She's right. Stand up everybody.

(Everyone in the Oprah audience stands and applauds except for one woman)

Oprah: Thank you. (she smiles and waves to the audience) Thank you. (the still-seated woman raises her hand) Yes, the dopey looking one, that's you, yes.

Audience Member 1: (standing) Yes Oprah, with all due respect, I feel maybe cutting coupons or car pooling would be a better way to save money.

Oprah: But, um, surely you think I'm giving good advice.

Audience Member 1: Um, no.

(The audience gasps and the camera zooms in to Oprah's eyes as red lights flash around the studio and a siren goes off. Audience members start to leave their seats and hide)

Dr. Phil: (standing) Lord, no one's ever said no to Oprah before.

(Dr. Phil runs to hide as Oprah stands up slowly)

Audience Member 2: (hiding in a corner as Dr. Phil appears next to her) Dr. Phil, what's happening?

Dr. Phil: It's the end of the world, and you are in my hiding spot. (he pushes her away and takes her spot)

Audience Member 1: (nervously, as Oprah stares at her) I, I, I don't have a research facility but I see what you mean. And I would, I would cut my staff in half but I live in an apartment.

(Oprah is now perched on her chair, shaking her head. She looks up and has turned into a vampire with wild hair. She flies across the stage to Audience Member 1 and eats her neck)

Oprah: (in a demonic voice) You've all seen too much girlfriends. No one must ever know what happened here.

(She makes a screeching noise as she flies to where Audience Member 3 is standing and kills him as blood splatters onto her)

Oprah: You will all die the same way my book club did! (she breathes out a bright green gas onto the audience members, who fall over and start coughing)

Oprah: (to Dr. Phil) Take my hand.

Dr. Phil: Absolutely Oprah. Thank you Oprah.

Oprah: Goodbye Chicago!

(She flies away, carrying Dr. Phil with her)

(Cut to image of a hotel while the theme music plays)

Voiceover: Guests of The Oprah Winfrey Show stay at the elegant Omni Hotel, located on Chicago's miracle mile.

(Cut back to the Oprah studio. Dr. Phil's lifeless body is dropped to the ground from above as the scene fades)

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