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Old 07/04/2009, 11:29 PM
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Default MADtv's Most Wanted: The Best of MADtv's Recurring Characters Wraparounds (#1304)


Michael McDonald: Himself
Susan Sarandon: Herself


(When something is in brackets and italicized, that means that it is a descriptive moment).

When a crying smilie is seen, that means that the line is being said while crying. It will end when the same smilie is seen, like so.

When a laugh smilie is seen, that means that the line is being said while laughing. It will end when another laugh smilie follows, like so.


This transcript will only involve the wraparounds.


(Michael and Susan are sitting on a couch in her house).

Michael McDonald: Good evening, I'm Michael McDonald, and I am delighted to be here with Academy Award winning actress, Susan Sarandon to host (Bar that says MADtv's Most Wanted, and The Best of MADtv Characters under it and the Best of MADtv logo at the side) MADtv's Most wanted. A salute to our shows most beloved characters. Thank you for being here Susan.

Susan Sarandon: Oh Michael, thank you for having me, the kids and I just love this show.

Michael McDonald: The kids and you have wonderful taste (both laugh). And to celebrate (Michael goes to his stage left, and takes out a bottle of Champaign), I've got us a little bit of Champaign.

Susan Sarandon: Oh.

Michael McDonald: And a little bit of this (pulls out another alcoholic beverage). And a little bit of that (pulls out another alcoholic beverage). Some of these (pulls out a box of Corona’s). And a kicker (pulls out another alcoholic beverage). Oh, and I forgot (pulls out a bunch of plane size alcoholic beverages). The stewardess on the plane was a MADtv fan.

Susan Sarandon: Wow. Uh, can we drink on TV?

Michael McDonald: Oh Susan, this is Fox, we can do whatever we want.

Susan Sarandon: Oh. Can we criticize the president?

Michael McDonald: No! And don't even think about mentioning global warming, which doesn't exist.

(Michael nods his head).

Susan Sarandon: Ok. Um, I think I will have a drink (cut). Uh, this Champaign and bourbon combo is pretty tasty.

Michael McDonald: I told ya.

Susan Sarandon: Yeah.

Michael McDonald: I told ya huh. Well let's start the show (clears throat). Our first character is Ms. Swan, a woman of uncertain Asian origin.

Susan Sarandon: Oh I love Ms. Swan.

Michael McDonald: Yeah.

Susan Sarandon: Yeah I really do. Cheers to her, let's toast her.

Michael McDonald: Sure, you don't have to twist my arm. My last name begins with Mc (laughs). My mom’s amniotic sack was filled with this stuff.

(Susan and Michael clink there glasses).

Susan Sarandon: Ok, well here's to your mom’s sack (cut. Bar appears with both of their names on it with the MADtv's Most Wanted logo at the side of it). Welcome back to MADtv's Most Wanted: The best of MADtv's characters. What's the next sketch Susan?

Michael McDonald (laughs): That's my line Susan.

Susan Sarandon: Oh!

Michael McDonald: You see, wouldn't it be weird if you said your own name? Now you’re kind of introing yourself (both laugh). That's alright. Your, your in film, you do so many takes.

Susan Sarandon: Oh, I know.

Michael McDonald: Coach Hines is coming up next Michael. Oh.

(Both laugh).

Susan Sarandon: You did it too!

(Both laugh. Cut).

Michael McDonald: Your telling me there weren't any funny parts at all in Dead Man Walking?

Susan Sarandon: No, no, it's not a comedy. It's no, it's no. It's about a man that's on death row because he raped and murdered a woman.

Michael McDonald: What's the movie I was thinking of? I gotta. It was, it was right on my... Oh, Weekend at Bernie's.

Susan Sarandon: Oh!

Michael McDonald: That's the movie I was thinking of. You know because they have a dead man in that, and they make him walk around (both laugh). That's pretty funny now.

Susan Sarandon: Why is that person holding that card that says "here comes the Vacuum Lady"? Oh Vancome Lady, Vancome, sorry.

Michael McDonald: Oh, I don't see it. I don't see anything in the room but your big brown eyes.

(Michael is staring at her breasts).

Susan Sarandon: Oh no (Susan pulls up her dress). Honey my eyes are up here.

Michael McDonald: Oh huh. Hi brown eyes.

Susan Sarandon: Oh.

(Pats his head. Cut. Michael head is now on Susan's lap).

Michael McDonald: I just love you so much.

Susan Sarandon: Oh, I love you.

Michael McDonald: No (sits up)! I mean I love you. I love you, and I have to have you. I... You got to get a divorce!

Susan Sarandon: I'm not married.

Michael McDonald: Well... What about the tall guy! What about Tom Collins!

Susan Sarandon: Tim Collins.

Michael McDonald: Tim Conway!

Susan Sarandon: Robin.

Michael McDonald: Baskin Robins, I don't care! Alright, you know I'll tell you what, if you don't do something about him I will (Picks up cork screw)! I am going to hurt him! I am going to hurt him so bad! I swear to God, if you will not (Slaps him. Michael cries)... I'm sorry.

Susan Sarandon: It's ok.

(Michael lays his head on Susan's lap again).

Michael McDonald: Why can't you love me?

Susan Sarandon: Go to the Dot sketch (Cut. Susan is now holding Michael's head and bottle feeding him one of the small bottles of liquor). Oh, did that little sketch make you feel much better?

Michael McDonald: Mm mm.

Susan Sarandon: Yeah. That's it.

Michael McDonald: Mmm yeah. Although for me, you know I always think it's just a little creepy when adults play children.

Susan Sarandon: Oh so creepy. And your man baby skits coming up next!

Michael McDonald: Oh where (Michael sits up)? I like that one.

(Cut. Michael and Susan are now smoking marijuana. Bar appears with both their names on it, and disappears).

Michael McDonald: How's you glaucoma now?!

Susan Sarandon: Oh it's much better(both laugh)! Oh yeah, welcome back. Welcome back to MADtv's...

Michael McDonald: Yeah.

Susan Sarandon: Most Wanted, a look at your favourite characters, and the next one is great, it's so great. This character was created by the very guy sitting next to me.

Michael McDonald: Michael.

Susan Sarandon: Right, yes. And just (both laugh)... Wow yes Stuart, this is Stuart. Gosh, wow Mike that was 9 years ago.

Michael McDonald: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Susan Sarandon: All in the same costumes...

Michael McDonald: Yeah.

Susan Sarandon: The same catchphrases, gosh. Well how does that feel to be doing it for so long?

(Michael throws up on Susan's coffee table. Michael laughs, and Susan nervously laughs. Cut. Returns with Michael and Susan laughing. MADtv Most Wanted bar appears).

Susan Sarandon: Remember when...

Michael McDonald: Alright everybody.

Susan Sarandon: I don't know.

Michael McDonald: I'm so sorry.

Susan Sarandon: It's ok, it's alright.

Michael McDonald: Hey, hey, hey. Let's kiss and make up?

Susan Sarandon: Oh, you just threw up, come on.

Michael McDonald: Can I borrow a toothbrush?

Susan Sarandon: Yeah, I'll get one, but let's go to Lorraine now. Lorraine.

Michael McDonald: Lorraine.

Susan Sarandon: Let's go to Lorraine (Cut. Michael is now in his underwear, and lying on Susan's couch). Alright come on, get up. Michael? Come on big fella it's time to wake up. Come on, get up. MADtv's... What is it, MADtv's Most Wanted is over. Come on.

Michael McDonald: What happened, what happened.

Susan Sarandon: A lot, a lot. You punched my doorman, you urinated off the balcony, and you somehow found a gun and shot your name into the wall.

Michael McDonald: Oh, I am so sorry.

Susan Sarandon: It's ok.

Michael McDonald: Did we make love?

Susan Sarandon: No. No we didn't. You did, to yourself, but that's on Youtube already. Um, anyway um, we have to go. Cause I've got to go to work.

Michael McDonald: Work.

Susan Sarandon: Yeah.

Michael McDonald: Aren't you totally drunk?

Susan Sarandon: I am, but I'm also totally professional. So on the count of 3 we will say goodbye. 1

Michael McDonald: Ok.

Michael McDonald & Susan Sarandon: 2

Susan Sarandon: 3 (Michael throws up. Credits start to roll). From all of us at MADtv, goodnight.

Michael McDonald: Do you think you could get me to meet Peter Jackson?

Susan Sarandon: Are you serious? Did I sign a release?

Michael McDonald: You know a lot of actresses, they're really smart.

Susan Sarandon: Did I sign a release?!

(Wraparounds End).


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