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Old 07/03/2009, 12:31 AM
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Default Survivor: MADtv: The Best of MADtv's Television Parodies Wraparounds (#1302)


Jeff Probst: Himself
Caress: Keegan-Michael Key
Announcer: Bill Vogel


(When something is in brackets and italicized, that means that it is a descriptive moment).


This transcript will only involve the wraparounds.


(Jeff is walking through some bushes, with a flaming torch in his hand).

Jeff Probst: Good evening. I'm Jeff Probst. As host of Survivor, I've seen people survive dung beetle attacks (slaps his face to kill a fly). Alligator bites. Even third degree scrotal sunburns, but never have I seen anyone survive 12 years in the treacherous jungles of Hollywood (The bushes turn out to be just in an ally of Hollywood, as Jeff emerges on a busy Hollywood street. Caress is on the street corner). Except for MADtv.

Caress: MADtv (Caress walks over to Jeff)! Oh my God, I love MADtv!

Jeff Probst: Oh, yeah, yeah.

Caress: I love it (imitating Stuart)! Look what I can do (Pulls up her skirt to reveal her vagina, which is covered by a Best of MADtv star. Imitation stops). Oh!

Jeff Probst: Oh! you gotta! Oh man!

Caress: You ever see that? You ever see that?

(Cut. Jeff is now walking down a street in Hollywood. Caress is following him).

Jeff Probst: For 12 seasons MADtv has survived in Hollywood (Best of MADtv bar with Jeff's name appears at the bottom of the screen), due in part to its classic television parodies. Tonight, were going to look at the best of the best.

Caress: Uh, Verdice. He is the best. But he's not here. So you’re looking at the second best.

Jeff Probst: That's you?

Caress: That's me, I'm the second best baby.

Jeff Probst: Ok.

Caress: Hey, you wanna, you wanna, you wanna date with Caress?

Jeff Probst: No man I don't. Actually, I'm hosting a TV show tonight. I gotta kind of get on my way.

Caress: Ok.

Jeff Probst: Alright.

Caress: But, if you need anything from me, I will be over there washin out my undergarments.

Jeff Probst: Alright.

Caress: That's what I'm gonna be doin.

Jeff Probst: Ok.

(Cut. Jeff is now walking down another street in Hollywood).

Jeff Probst: Recently I was involved in a highly controversial battle between ethnic groups, and no it wasn't at the baggage claim at JFK, it was actually on Survivor. And I'm only now just realizing that the parody I'm about to introduce actually makes fun of me, terrific. Well enjoy.

(Caress comes into the scene).

Caress: Hey Mr. Survivor.

Jeff Probst: Ah Caress.

Caress: You better give me somethin. You better give Caress somethin, somethin right now or she gonna have to vote you off.

Jeff Probst: What?!

Caress: Off this damn corner.

(Cut. Jeff is in front of the Grauman's Chinese Theatre).

Jeff Probst: Welcome back to Survivor: MADtv. A guided tour of sorts, of MADtv's best TV parodies. You know on Survivor we have a doctor on call 24/7. Of course it's a witch doctor who cures malaria with chicken blood, but...

(Caress comes into the scene).

Caress: Oh co- I'm ravenous. I am starving.

Jeff Probst: Yeah, you are.

Caress: Would you perchance have a protein bar, or some lunch meats or anything.

Jeff Probst: No I don't have anything. What I do have.

Caress: What do you have?

Jeff Probst: I'll tell you what. I have a- I got a little mint there. Take the whole thing, alright Caress? Here's a parody on Grey's Anatomy. Maybe you wanna rub them all over your body?

Caress: You are so generous. I can't believe this.

(Cut. Survivor MADtv Logo. The announcer's text is scrolling on the screen).

Announcer: Your Survivor: MADtv challenge is to go to MADtv.com, find the classic 60 Minutes parody, watch it, laugh at it, stand on a toaster and dismantle a cannon in the nude. Good luck!

(Jeff is walking down a street in Hollywood).

Jeff Probst: Welcome back to Survivor: MADtv, a collection of MADtv's best TV parodies. You know, even though I'm super smart, there are a couple of things that even I don't understand, like the popularity of Jim Balushi, and foreign soap operas. If you can make any sense out of this clip, e-mail me at (address appears at the bottom of the screen). JUNGLETOGUE@CBS.COM

(Address disappears. Caress comes in).

Caress: Can I give my e-mail?

Jeff Probst: Sure Caress.

Caress: It's Caress at (Text start to appear as she gives the address) IWILL****(swears are blocked out by white squares on the written address)YOUR****4CRACK.COM (Text disappears). It's all one word.

(Cut. Jeff on a balcony in Hollywood).

Jeff Probst: Welcome back to Survivor: MADtv (Bar appears at the bottom) here in Hollywood. You know on Survivor my job is about 97% down time.

(Bar disappears. Caress comes in).

Caress: Hey you know Probst, my down time is 100% down time.

(Caress laughs, and walks away).

Jeff Probst: Anyway, I spend my free time exploring the island, taking in the natural beauty, and looking for exotic plant life that, you know (imitates smoking marijuana), might help me get high. In this next parody, Montel Williams has something to say on that subject.

(Caress comes in).

Caress: Who's getting high? Will you get high, I will get high!

Jeff Probst: No Caress.

(Cut. Caress and Jeff are standing on a different balcony).

Jeff Probst: Welcome back to (bar appears) Survivor: MADtv. MADtv, SNL, you are the last (bar disappears) survivors of the sketch comedy genre. Caress has the final ballot. Caress. The ballot?

Caress: Oh, the ballot, well the ballot is hidden (Jeff sighs) someplace on my body Probstie. So this is what I call Caress's Ballot Challenge)

(Jeff starts putting on a hospital glove on her right hand).

Jeff Probst: Ok, this is what I call Making Sure I Don't Get What You Got (Caress pulls her Daisy Dukes down a little to reveal the ballot). Perfect, thank you (Jeff pulls it out). Whose ever name is on this ballot, has to get off of television forever (pulls off glove, and throws it away).

(Jeff starts opening the folded ballot)

Caress (Whispering): Forever.

(Whispering over. Jeff looks at the ballot. Pauses for a second, and shows the ballot that says SNL).

Jeff Probst: SNL, the tribe has spoken. SNL, get the **** (Blocks mouth with Best Of star) off of television.

Caress: **** (Blocks mouth with Best Of star. Mouths you).

Jeff Probst: For everyone here at MADtv, goodnight.

Caress: So you done with your show baby?

Jeff Probst: You know Caress I am. And I'd like to take you up on that date.

Caress: Well I know a very romantic alleyway over there.

Jeff Probst: Let's go get my torch

Caress: It's right through here (They walk towards the alleyway, which is dark at the back), oh indeed. Oh please, oh please call Fred.

(Credits start to roll).

Jeff Probst: Good.

Caress: Oh look.

Jeff Probst: Is this your place back here?

Caress: This is my bedroom back here.

Jeff Probst: Oh! that's nice.

Caress: Oh. See the sub roof there?

Jeff Probst: Yeah, right, it's up there.

Caress: I know, it's comfy and cozy back here.

Jeff Probst: That's romantic man.

Caress: You gonna love this.

Jeff Probst: Yeah, Yeah.

Caress: But you just wait till you get back to the suite, the master suite.

Jeff Probst: It's kind of smelly back here.

Caress: It's a bad smell. Well you know, that's what I like to call ab hair. Oh Lord!

Jeff Probst: Wow, wow! I didn't know what you look like until I saw that light on ya.

Caress: Whoo!

Jeff Probst: You are somethin else.

Caress: Well let me show you somethin, this is the spot right here.

Jeff Probst: You know what, I'll be right back.

Caress: Oh, ok.

Jeff Probst: I left something right. I just left something in my car.

Caress: I will wait here for you.

Jeff Probst: Ok, yeah, you wait right there Caress

Caress: I'll wait right here.

Jeff Probst: Holy ****

(Mouth blocked out by a blur. Wraparound transcript ends).


Rise from the Dead!

Planet MADtv (August 28th 2002- August 28th 2009, August 28th 2010)
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