[MADtv] Kenny Rogers Gives Back (#1417)

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Cast:

Fred Willard: Himself
Jimmy Phipps: Himself
Johnny Sanchez: Himself
Phone Volunteer #1 (Never Speaks): Jim Wise
Phone Volunteer #2 (Never Speaks): Brian Bradley
Phone Volunteer #3 (Never Speaks): Michael Hitchcock
Phone Volunteer #4 (Never Speaks): Ryan Smith
Phone Volunteer #5 (Never Speaks): Colton Dunn
Phone Volunteer #6 (Never Speaks): Katie Dippold
Phone Volunteer #7 (Never Speaks): Chris Kula
Phone Volunteer #8 (Never Speaks): Kate Purdy
Kenny Rogers: Will Sasso
Phone Volunteer #9 (Never Speaks): Guy Stevenson
Stagehand: Unknown

Legend:

(When something is in brackets and italicized, that means it is a descriptive moment).

When a musical note is seen, that means that the line is being said while singing. It will end when another musical note follows, like so.

Sketch:

(MADtv stage. Johnny is coming in stage right with a kid in a wheelchair)

Fred Willard: Oh here's Johnny Sanchez. Howdy Johnny.

Johnny Sanchez: Hello old friend. Hello old friend (inaudible). Hello there. Hello.

Fred Willard (Audible): Well Johnny (kneels down), who do we have here?

Johnny Sanchez: Fred. This is Jimmy Phipps.

Fred Willard (Off-Screen. Jimmy Waves): Oh hi Jimmy.



Johnny Sanchez: And uh, Jimmy suffers from Finger Feets Syndrome, which means 2 things.

That Jimmy has fingers on both feet, and that the medical community couldn't find a scientific name for the disease.



Fred Willard: Mm hmm.

Johnny Sanchez (Taps Jimmy on the Shoulders): Come on (points). Show him pal.

(Jimmy lifts up the blanket covering his feet to show his finger feet. The audience makes a disgusted noise).



Fred Willard (Off-Screen): Oh wow.

Johnny Sanchez: Yeah, you know. So as you can imagine, walking for Jimmy is a real chore.

Fred Willard: Sure, sure.

Johnny Sanchez: Yeah, well we decided to do a little something for ya buddy. We got a special guest

Fred Willard: Good!

Johnny Sanchez: for Jimmy tonight.

Fred Willard: Oh boy.

Johnny Sanchez: So uh.

Fred Willard: How bout that?!

Johnny Sanchez: Yeah, this is going to be great. Everybody, please welcome Mr. Kenny Rogers.

Fred Willard: Wow (off-screen. Country music starts to play. Kenny comes out, stage left with a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand). His name appears in a bar underneath)! What are you doing here?!

(Kenny shakes Johnny's hand).

Kenny Rogers: Thank you, thank you. Alright yeah! Hi,

I'm Kenny Rogers (sticks out tongue). I've been up for the past 85 hours. Oh my God! What happened to this little ass wipe?!

Oh! He's obviously got some kind of ugly face disease.

(Sticks out tongue).

Fred Willard: Actually Kenny, he's got Finger Feets Disease. That's all.

Kenny Rogers: Well little girl. You, you are an inspiration. That I am

now going to sing to you a medley of inspirational songs from out of my food hole. Hey, speaking of food!

(Kenny drinks the entire bottle of Jack Daniels)



Fred Willard: Whoa, whoa, whoa (Kenny belches, and breaks the bottle over his head)!

Oh!

Kenny Rogers (Hands Fred a Piece of the Bottle): Hold this Mr. Sajak.

Fred Willard: Well uh(Kenny gets a microphone from the stagehand, and mouths thank you as music starts to play. Fred to Jimmy). Are you alright?

Jimmy Phipps: Yeah.

Johnny Sanchez: Your alright,

your alright.

(The words Kenny is saying start to appear under him. He sings a song in the tune of "What a Wonderful World").

Kenny Rogers:The sky is gray,

but I'm not blue.

I am happy

because you

continue to smile

despite your horrible life (words under him stop appearing).

Literally (Words start to appear under him again as Kenny sings his version of Celine Dion "My Heart Will Go on"). Here...

there...

...In your wheelchair.

I know

you will always

roll on.

(Kenny picks something out of his nose and rubs it on Jimmy's head. Starts singing his version of Bet Midler's "Wind Beneath my Wings").
Have I ever told you

your fantastic?

I wish I could lift you up

A mountain (says mountain while burping).

But your too heavy in that wheelchair

(words stop appearing at the bottom). Oh your too heavy, your too heavy in that wheel (fart noise).

Fred Willard: Oh Kenny!

Kenny Rogers: Hey, check this out! I am now going to use my powers of Scientology to make this little boy walk (puts his hand on his head, and prepares to do something). Get the f**k up!

(Pushes Jimmy out of his wheelchair).

Fred Willard: Oh!

Oh my God!

Kenny Rogers: It's alright, it's alright. It's fine, it's fine.

Fred Willard: Kenny, I think the best thing right now is to get him back in the chair.

Kenny Rogers: Okay, alright. Let's get him back in here. No more walking for you. Oh yes, were gonna, get you in the (Kenny picks up Jimmy, and puts him on his shoulder) wheel!

Fred Willard: Oh.

Kenny Rogers: Oh my goodness!

Fred Willard: Oh.

Kenny Rogers: This boys flying! He's flying!

He's a flying boy! Great! Unbelievable, whoo (Kenny starts running off stage right with Jimmy)! He's a flyin away.

(Sketch ends).