[MADtv] Oprah Winfrey Gives Back (#1417)

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Cast:

Phone Volunteer #1 (Never Speaks): Jim Wise
Phone Volunteer #2 (Never Speaks): Brian Bradley
Phone Volunteer #3 (Never Speaks): Michael Hitchcock
Phone Volunteer #4 (Never Speaks): Ryan Smith
Phone Volunteer #5 (Never Speaks): Colton Dunn
Phone Volunteer #6 (Never Speaks): Katie Dippold
Phone Volunteer #7 (Never Speaks): Chris Kula
Phone Volunteer #8 (Never Speaks): Kate Purdy
Phone Volunteer #9 (Never Speaks): Guy Stevenson
Announcer: Bill Vogel
Fred Willard: Himself
Oprah Winfrey: Debra Wilson Skelton
Barack Obama: Keegan-Michael Key
Cheque Presenter (Never Speaks): Unknown
Secret Service Man #1 (Never Speaks): Unknown
Secret Service Man #2 (Never Speaks): Unknown

Legend:

(When something is in brackets and italicized, that means that it is a descriptive moment).

Sketch:

(MADtv Stage. The Phone Volunteer's are stage left).

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the MADtv stage, film and television funny man Fred Willard.



(Fred comes out, straightens his tie)



Fred Willard: Thank you (and blows a kiss to the audience). You know for 14 seasons, MADtv has broadcasted it's unique brand of comedy, into billions and billions of homes. And we've made trillions, and trillions of dollars for the Fox network. So why they've cancelled the show is a mystery to me. But what do I know, I'm confused by scotch tape. Tonight we are going to welcome back some of our old friends, and look back at some of the best moments of MADtv, but most importantly were going to raise money for those less fortunate, and give back. To help us kick off MADtv Gives Back, please welcome talk show host, and media hog, Oprah Winfrey

(Oprah comes out to the music from her show. A bar with her name on it appears underneath her).

Oprah Winfrey: Hello! Come on, come on! Yes! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Fred Willard: It's so good to see ya Oprah. It really is good. Now I read in Forbes Magazine that you are the richest woman in television.

Oprah Winfrey: Yeah, that's right Fred Willard. In fact the other day I was figuring out just how much I make, and it comes out to about a million dollars every 3 seconds!



Fred Willard: Wow.

Oprah Winfrey: It does, it does, it does.

Fred Willard: You know that would be impressive even if you weren't a black woman.

Oprah Winfrey: But I am a black woman! I am black. I am black, but you know what, were not here to, let's get down to business.

Fred Willard: Absolutely, I think...

Oprah Winfrey: That's what I say. Let's get down to business.

Fred Willard: You've got a surprise for us?

Oprah Winfrey: Yes I do. I have a cheque for you, so let's bring it out!



(Cheque presenter brings out the cheque).

Fred Willard: Isn't she wonderful!? Oh wow!

Oprah Winfrey: Seriously.

(Gestures to the cheque presenter to go away. The cheque says that it's for MADtv Gives Back, dated March 28th, 2009, and is worth $25.00 45/100)

Fred Willard: Um,

I think you might be missing a few zeros.

Oprah Winfrey: No there's only 1 zero in Oprah!

Fred Willard: No, no, no, no, no, no. You're, you’re missing the point, I was actually referring to the amount of the cheque.

Oprah Winfrey: When Oprah gives you a gift.

Fred Willard: Yes.

Oprah Winfrey: Just smile and say thank you.

Fred Willard: Yes but I...

Oprah Winfrey: Thank you!

Fred Willard: but it's...

Oprah Winfrey: Thank you! Thank you, you know what? No cheque for you, no cheque for you. Screw it. I'll break it with my thighs (puts check between her legs, and tries to break it). No cheque for you!

That's it okay, that's what you get, no! What is this thing made of plywood!

(Throws cheque)

Fred Willard: Oh, oh, oh.

(Barack comes out).

Barack Obama: Excuse me Oprah (Presidential anthem plays), Oprah.

Fred Willard: President Barack Obama!



Oprah Winfrey: Wow.

Barack Obama: Thank you. Uh, uh Fred. Ms. Winfrey

and I are good friends.

Fred Willard: Of course Mr. president.

Barack Obama: And uh, I think perhaps I can help out.

Oprah Winfrey: What?

Barack Obama: Oprah, you need to settle down okay?

Oprah Winfrey: Now look. I bought you the presidency, as one of my, as one of Oprah's, as one of Oprah's favourite things.

And I can take it away, and have you destroyed. I can destroy you. I can.

Barack Obama: Okay, uh, uh you understand that it is illegal to threaten the president? Okay.

Oprah Winfrey: Okay.

Barack Obama (Talks into Wrist): Take the shot!

(A dart comes from stage left, and hits Oprah in the neck).



Fred Willard: Good lord.

Barack Obama: It's okay, it's alright.

(Oprah starts to struggle as the poison dart goes through her system).

Fred Willard (Off-Screen): Oh my God mr. president.

Oprah Winfrey: Wait (the 2 secret service men come out), everything’s going black. I see Halle Berry! Wait, I see Denzel Washington! It's getting blacker, I see Wesley Snipes!

(Oprah is dragged away).

Fred Willard: Oh.

Barack Obama: Oh. Now I believe Fred that this cheque is uh, is still good (picks up cheque off the floor). All you need now is to find a giant bank.

Fred Willard: Giant bank. Will do mr. president.

Barack Obama: Alright.

Fred Willard: Okay folks, the phone lines are open, so open your hearts and wallets, but mostly your wallets, and call the number on the screen (number appears on a bar at the bottom of the screen).

It's MADtv Gives Back!

(Fred and Barack shake hands. Sketch ends).