[MADtv] Lorraine: Phone Volunteer (#1417)

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Cast:

Fred Willard: Himself
Phone Volunteer #2 (Never Speaks): Brian Bradley
Phone Volunteer #3 (Never Speaks): Michael Hitchcock
Phone Volunteer #4 (Never Speaks): Ryan Smith
Phone Volunteer #5: Colton Dunn
Phone Volunteer #6 (Never Speaks): Katie Dippold
Phone Volunteer #7 (Never Speaks): Chris Kula
Phone Volunteer #8 (Never Speaks): Kate Purdy
Phone Volunteer #9 (Never Speaks): Guy Stevenson
Lorraine Swanson: Mo Collins

Legend:

(When something is in brackets and italicized, that means that it is a descriptive moment).

When a laugh smilie is seen, this means that Mo has broken character. She will resume character when another smilie is seen like so.

Sketch:

(MADtv Stage. Fred is over at the call center).



Fred Willard: If your, if you’re like me there's nothing more thrilling than watching people talk on the phone. So I have a crazy idea, let's talk to one. Um, oh um have one of the volunteers left (flushing sound is heard). Oh dear, okay.

(Lorraine comes walking in stage right of Fred).

Lorraine Swanson: Huh?

Fred Willard: Alright.

(Lorraine's name appears in a bar at the bottom of the screen).



Lorraine Swanson: Yeah, everything’s all out in the open.

Fred Willard: Oh yes. Your break probably took a little longer than you expected eh?

Lorraine Swanson: Yeah, you'd be surprised. Lickady split.

Fred Willard: Well thanks for the imagery. Um, what is your name my dear?

Lorraine Swanson: It's Lorraine.



Fred Willard: Lorraine.

Lorraine Swanson (Coughs): Yeah. My husband Carl and I, we love to volunteer,

we just love it.

Fred Willard: That's wonderful. That's great.

Lorraine Swanson: Yeah, and I'll tell you why, we get free meal (coughs). I don't suppose that we have paid for lunch in 6 years.

Fred Willard: That's great.

Lorraine Swanson: Unless you count that time in Tijuana at the shelter. That one, we paid for that one for a good week (cough).

Fred Willard: Alright.

Lorraine Swanson: Smoosh it right down.

Fred Willard: It's been nice chatting with you Lorraine.

Lorraine Swanson: Huh?

Fred Willard: Why don't we get back to work.

Lorraine Swanson: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, back to the old salt grinds.

Fred Willard: Right here just, uh, just have a seat right here (Lorraine seems to be looking for her seat, which is right in front of her). Lorraine?

Lorraine Swanson: It's kind of cold huh?

(Lorraine starts to go down the first row).

Fred Willard: No, no, where? Darling uh, just right here.

(Lorraine coughs in Phone Volunteer #4's face).

Lorraine Swanson: I'll just go ahead.

Phone Volunteer #5: Actually just.

Fred Willard: Lorraine, it would have been much easier.

Lorraine Swanson: Huh?

Fred Willard: just to have gone. Just to have sat down here. Oh dear (She climbs up in front of Phone Volunteer #5. Fred off-screen). Oh, oh, oh.

Phone Volunteer #5 (On-Screen): I mean, really? Seriously? Come one lady.

(Lorraine spreads herself out on the table).

Fred Willard: No, no, no, no Lorraine (Lorraine gets tangled in Phone Volunteer #6's phone cord). You making it much more difficult than it should have been.

Phone Volunteer #5: Alright, your seats right, right over there. You just have to get it. (Lorraine is now tangled in everyone in the first rows phone lines)...

Okay.

Fred Willard: You know Lorraine, if you had just sat right up here we could have been moving along very quickly (Lorraine falls between Phone Volunteer #2, and Phone Volunteer #5's seating area).

Oh my! Are you okay there? Is it, Lorraine (Phone Volunteer #2, 3, and 5 help Lorraine get untangled from the phone lines, and get back into her seat)? Just put her right here.

Phone Volunteer #5: You just have to unplug the thing.

Fred Willard: These phone people are on so much stress. Believe me. Alright Lorraine oh (Lorraine is back to her seat). There you go, there you go. Are you ready to take some calls?

Lorraine Swanson: Alright, I'll tell you what?

(Lorraine starts to make a call).



Fred Willard: Lorraine what in the hell are you doing?

Lorraine Swanson (Coughs): I'm giving my Carl, I'm giving my son Carl Jr. a call. He's over in Beijing. You don't know what time it is over there do ya?

Fred Willard: I have no idea.

Lorraine Swanson: Yeah, we got him on to the exchange program.

Fred Willard: Were trying to keep the phones free.

Lorraine Swanson: He's stayin. He's stayin over there with the Chin family. And in exchange we got...

Fred Willard: Lorraine were trying to...

Lorraine Swanson: We got a 17 year old daughter Minh over at our house. Minh Chin! Sounds more like a girl from Germany (coughs). Carl. Carl huh? Well it's mom. Yeah what are ya doin? Yeah well, you know you'll go blind in the other eye.

(Lorraine keeps talking).

Fred Willard: Uh, while Lorraine is running up our phone bill uh, why don't you guys watch this MADtv classic (to Lorraine. Music starts to play as camera ). You know were trying to keep. Were trying to keep the phone lines free.

Lorraine Swanson: Huh, yeah well...

(Sketch ends).