[MADtv] Ms. Swan Gives Back (#1417)

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Cast:

Phone Volunteer #1 (Never Speaks): Jim Wise
Phone Volunteer #2 (Never Speaks): Brian Bradley
Phone Volunteer #3 (Never Speaks): Michael Hitchcock
Phone Volunteer #4 (Never Speaks): Ryan Smith
Phone Volunteer #5 (Never Speaks): Colton Dunn
Phone Volunteer #6 (Never Speaks): Katie Dippold
Phone Volunteer #7 (Never Speaks): Chris Kula
Phone Volunteer #8 (Never Speaks): Kate Purdy
Phone Volunteer #9 (Never Speaks): Guy Stevenson
Fred Willard: Himself
Arden Myrin: Herself
Bunny Swan: Alex Borstein

Legend:

(When something is in brackets and italicized, that means that it is a descriptive moment).

Sketch:

(MADtv Stage. Fred Willard is stage centre, and the phone operators are stage left).

Fred Willard: Oh dear. Well well well. Welcome back to MADtv Gives Back. Right now, let's take another look at the tot board.

(Camera shifts to the tot board which says 1,539,400, and then to Arden, who is manning the total board stage left).

Arden Myrin: Yeah!

(Arden is dancing as the tot board spins. It lands on 432,000).

Fred Willard (Off-Screen): Oh no, no it went way down. That's got to be a malfunction.

Arden Myrin (On-Screen): No, actually the Mothers Against Drunk Driving people called and took their money back.

Fred Willard (Off-Screen): Oh. Well (off-screen) right now we’re going to meet someone who works behind the scenes for MADtv. Please welcome MADtv's manicurist, Ms. Bunny Swan (Bunny comes out. Her name appears on a bar underneath her). Hello. Welcome back to the stage here.

Bunny Swan: Thank you very much. I come tonight to give back.

Fred Willard: Well, well you are in the right place.

Bunny Swan: Yes, yes. I use to be manicurist here long time, and I always give Will Sasso a pedicure.

Fred Willard: Will Sasso, yes.

Bunny Swan: And I, I, I take something from his dressing room

Fred Willard (Off-Screen): Oh really.

Bunny Swan (On-Screen): 9 years ago, so I want to give back.

Fred Willard (Off-Screen): Well absolutely!

(Bunny reaches into her purse.)

Bunny Swan: Yes, I take a, I take a little bitty (pulls out a roll of condoms). A little bitty condom.

Little bitty.

Fred Willard: Um.

Bunny Swan: Right here.

Fred Willard: I'm sure Will will appreciate that.

Bunny Swan: Yeah, you want to see. He's a big, big man.

Fred Willard: Oh alright. No, no, no.

Bunny Swan: Look it (Bunny starts to open one). It's so teeny tiny you not going to believe it (Bunny takes one out and rolls it on her pinkie finger). Look at this oh.



Fred Willard: Make a good cover for my pencil eraser.

Bunny Swan: Yeah.

Fred Willard: Yeah. It looks like a string of Lifesavers there. Well, Will will be very happy that you called this to the nation’s attention.

(Takes condoms from Bunny).

Bunny Swan: Okay, good. Hey you know something?

Fred Willard: No.



Bunny Swan: I think I know you.



Fred Willard: Well thank you. I'm Fred Willard.



Bunny Swan: No, no,

no.

Fred Willard: Yes, Fred. Fred Willard.

Bunny Swan: No, not him. No, no. No.

Fred Willard: Maybe you saw me in a movie? Maybe the movie about the dogs?

Bunny Swan: Oh you’re in the movie with all the dogs!

Fred Willard (Off-Screen): Yeah, yeah Best in Show.

Bunny Swan: No uh, Sex and the City.

Fred Willard: Oh, okay no.

Bunny Swan: That's not you?

Fred Willard: No I was not, I was not in that.

Bunny Swan: No, you’re the guy who sometimes, you go in the funny. The funny, but not the (deeper voice) the funny, the funny.

Fred Willard: Here, I can prove who I am (takes out his wallet). Here I am right there. Fred Willard.

(Hands her his wallet).

Bunny Swan: Oh, ho, ho, ho! Look at that (laughs)! Oh, ho, ho, it's so funny. It says that the eyes are brown, the hair is brown, and the sex is mmm.



Fred Willard: I take that as a complement.

Bunny Swan: Mmm that's so good.

Fred Willard: Maybe we'll meet. We'll meet later (Fred holds up the condoms. Bunny puts the wallet in her purse). Hey wait a minute, that's my ID! Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

(Bunny leaves stage left with Fred's wallet).