[MADtv] MADtv: Best of Sexy, Dirty, Politics Wraparounds (#1404)

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Cast:

Announcer: Bill Vogel
Barack Obama: Keegan-Michael Key
Michelle Obama: Erica Ash
John McCain: Bobby Lee
Cindy McCain: Arden Myrin
Man: Unknown
Woman: Unknown
Sarah Palin: Nicole Parker

Legend:

(When something is in bracket's and is italicized, that means that it is a descriptive moment).

Notes:

This transcript involves the wraparounds only. The reran sketches are not included.

Wraparounds:

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the MADtv stage, Barak and Michelle Obama.

(Theme to Rocky starts to play as Barack and Michelle walk out).

Barack Obama: Thank you so much. Thank you. Welcome to MADtv's Sexy, Dirty, Politics. Today we are going to be watching a show that is a compilation of the best political scenes from throughout the years.

Michelle Obama: This show touches so many young people, and young people have been the bedrock of our campaign.

Barack Obama: Which gives me hope, and might I add hope.

Michelle Obama: You said hope twice baby.

Barack Obama: I can't literally say it enough.

(Both laugh).

John McCain: Equal time, equal time!

(John and Cindy McCain come out. John is wearing a Barack Obama hope shirt, and roller skating shoes).

Cindy McCain: Federal law mandates that this show has to give John equal time so suck on that!

John McCain: What my boo is trying to say is that we want to take the opportunity to speak to the youth as well. Hence this particular outfit I'm wearing right.

Cindy McCain: You look very youthful sweetie. Oh, you spilled a little bit of your fibre drink on your shirt.

John McCain: What? You know how hard it is to get one of these? All the kids are wearing them.

Barack Obama: You do realise that that's me on the shirt.

John McCain: Really? I thought it was a young James Earl Jones.

Cindy McCain: I thought that too.

Michelle Obama: Let's start the show.

Cindy McCain: Hey, hey whoa, whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute. Go ahead sweetie.

John McCain: Yeah, let's put this bitch on its back, and let's get started with MADtv's Sexy Dirty Politics y'all!

John and Cindy McCain: Yeah!

(John slips and Barack catches him. Cut. Returns to Cindy, John, Barack, and Michelle sitting on chairs and Barack answering a man's question).

Barack Obama: And on the back of an eagle, called unity. We will take flight into the sky of prosperity. I hope that answers your question.

Man: So do you know where the bathrooms are or what?

Barack Obama: No I do not.

Michelle Obama: Next question.

Woman: That last sketch (Politically Incorrect: Marriage from episode #722) was about marriage. So I was kind of wondering with your busy schedules how you find the time for romance?

Michelle Obama: (laughs) Well with two young children and an intense campaign schedule, it is difficult to find the time.

Barack Obama: Um, uh I must say when you have a sexy, powerful woman like this. The uh, time tends to find you.

(Michelle laughs. Barack whispers something into Michelle's ear).

Michelle Obama: I better check my watch, because it seems to be a quarter past uh! Mmm!

(Barack and Michelle start to kiss and hold each other sensually).

Cindy McCain: Uhh, what did you end up having for lunch?

John McCain: I had the chicken, no skin, and the potatoes.

Cindy McCain: hmm.

(Barack and Michelle still kissing).

John McCain: Ye, ye, you look nice. You do something with your hair?

Cindy McCain: Not since 1979.

(Barack breaks Michelle's embrace).

Barack Obama: Ok, alright excuse us. We have a standing appointment we need to get to.

Michelle Obama: Standing? Ha, we'll see about that, whoo!

(Barack and Michelle leave stage right).

John McCain: You want me to try to...

Cindy McCain: If you want to do it. Not really.

John McCain: Nah.

(Cut. Barack is the only one on stage when returning).

Barack Obama: Ladies and Gentlemen please give it up for vice presidential nominee and governor of Alaska Sarah Palin.

(Girls Just want to have Fun plays as Sarah walks out).

Sarah Palin: Well thanks Barack for having me.

Barack Obama: You know Sarah, ever since John picked you to be his running mate, you've been mobbed by the media and the press, and in all that craziness I don't think I've gotten a good idea of how you stand on the issues.

Sarah Palin: Well Barack, even though I've only been governor of Alaska for 2 years, I've been a mom to 5 oddly named children for 18 years. And I think there are a lot of lesions that I learned from that experience that can translate to the national and world stages.

Barack Obama: Ok, well how would you use that experience to help repair America's damaged reputation in the world?

Sarah Palin: Well Barack I'll tell you. You know my son Track. My son Track came home from school one day and he said he wanted to be more popular and so we had a pool party, and we invited all the cool kids, and you know what later he became prom king.

Barack Obama: So what your suggesting is some kind of international conference where we would invite our allies to discuss there grievances?

Sarah Palin: No, I'm suggesting we have a pool party.

Barack Obama: Um Sarah, what about poverty? There's millions of people going hungry.

Sarah Palin: Well this is a serious problem, and to that I would suggest more casseroles.

Barack Obama: Yes? Ca, casseroles?

Sarah Palin: Plus I would also hire all the homeless, and the immigrants to make the casseroles solving those problems right there too at the same time.

Barack Obama: Ok, well while I and Sarah sort this out then you guys take a look at this sketch.

Sarah Palin: It's like this (Doing Barack's hand signals) this is what you want to do.

Barack Obama: Yeah, this is what you can do. It's a clip

Sarah Palin: There I get it. Now I get it, now I get it.

(Cut. John and Barack on stage).

Barack Obama: Welcome back. Welcome back. Is everyone having a good time (audience cheers)? How bout you John, are you having a good time?

John McCain: I guess it's better than being shot at by the North Vietnamese.

Barack Obama: Ok, John you um, you have really taken me to task during this campaign uh, and what you claim as my lack of experience. But I've had plenty of tough experiences in my life my friend.

John McCain: Right, have you ever been tortured by being dunked into human waste?

Barack Obama: Well uh, no no, but I, I have been dunked in a charity dunk tank, and I was hit in the face with a soft ball by Alec Baldwin's daughter. And I'll tell you, she has her father’s anger that one.

John McCain: Well have you ever been parachuted into enemy territory?

Barack Obama: No, but a long time ago I did wear parachute pants to a public enemy concert. And I, I was brutally chastised.

John McCain: I spent 5 years in a filthy Hanoi prison. A cage that smelt like urine and death. Eating rotten apples and tapping out messages to my fellow prisoners with a spoon!

Barack Obama: Well I...

John McCain: Ahh!

Barack Obama: And I once spent an uncomfortable evening at the premier of Bangkok Dangerous. And I was trapped next to Nicholas Cage who smelled oddly of Lysol and fish. While I was trying to tap out a message to my assistant with one hand using an Apple phone alright. So we have both had our trials my friend.

John McCain: You're going to actually compare that experience with a POW camp?

Barack Obama: You don't understand, hey there are no raised buttons on those phones. I spelt my name Borat like 16 times.

John McCain: Wow, let's just watch the next sketch.

Barack Obama: No, no it's a touch screen. I have very large fingers.

John McCain: Next sketch. I can't, I can't, I can't.

Barack Obama: I think I hit like 2 letters at the same time. Like that right there.

(Cut. Everyone on stage).

Barack Obama: You know despite our differences, I think we can all agree that tonight was a lot of fun.

John McCain: I don't understand what's going on. I thought the whole show was in Spanish.

Sarah Palin: You know it was almost as fun as shooting a sedated moose from a helicopter.

Barack Obama: So good night everybody, and please choose wisely.

(Show Ends).