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Old 11/10/2004, 10:37 AM
elscorcho Male elscorcho is offline
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Default Lorraine: All You Can Eat Buffet (#518)

Mo - Lorraine Swanson
Michael - Cashier
Pat - Manager

(Scene opens with the cashier finishing up with another customer, Lorraine walks in, holding a bucket of change.)

Cashier: And here's your change, enjoy the buffet.

Lorraine: UH UH UH UH!!!

Cashier: Good morning!

Lorraine: HUH?

Cashier: I said, "Good morning."

Lorraine: Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Cashier: Looks like you got some luck, there with the slots.

Lorraine: That's right...UH UH UH UH!! Luck be a Lorraine tonight! (shakes bucket of change). So whatcha got goin on up in here?

Cashier: It's a buffet...

Lorraine: (cutting him off mid-sentence) Buffet, huh?

Cashier: Yes.

Lorraine: Well, they say, ya know, your buffet is the cat's meow over here.

Cashier: If you like buffets, i suppose it is.

Lorraine: Yeah, yeah, ya know...folks back home, they all said, when ya get to Vegas ya gotta do the buffet! UH UH UH UH!!

Cashier: Well it's right here if you want, it's uh, $13.50.

Lorraine: Yeah, yeah, ya know, i'll think about it, (shakes bucket of change) i'll give her a looksee, ya know...huh?

Cashier: I didn't say anything...

Lorraine: UH UH UH UH!!! $13.50 huh?

Cashier: Yes.

Lorraine: Alright. (Begins counting change from the bucket on the counter) Five, Ten...

Cashier: Ma'am...

Lorraine: UH UH UH UH!!! Fifteen, Twenty...

Cashier: Ma'am, you cannot pay that in...

Lorraine: (cuts him off) UH UH UH UH!!

Cashier: You can't pay in nickels, I can't have you do that...

Lorraine: Yeah, well your slot machines paid me with the nickels. Last time i checked nickel was still legal tender!

Cashier: Listen, Ma'am, I'm sorry but, we have a line forming, and i can't put all those nickels in my...

Lorraine: Yeah, well, ya know, i'm not lookin to hold anything up here, just...ya mind if i get a gander at it, see if it's worth that $13.50? (clicks tongue).

Cashier: Be my...

Lorraine: (interrupts him again) HUH?

Cashier: I'm about to answer!! Be my guest.

Lorraine: Yeah. (walks toward buffet) UH UH UH UH!!

(a man walks in front of her with a tray piled high with food)

Lorraine: Oh, cripes...(pats the man on the stomach) GO GET EM TIGER!

(the man looks confused and walks away)

Lorraine: (shakes the bucket of change and sets it down, then sticks her head under the sneezeguard, so her head is directly over the food) UH UH UH UH!! GAHHH THAT SMELLS GOOD!! UH UH UH UH!!!

Cashier: Ma'am...

Lorraine: AHHHH!! UH UH UH UH!!!

Cashier: Ma'am, i'm sorry. You can't lean over the food like that.

Lorraine: Yeah, ya know, i gotta see what's in here. (turns her head and looks at him through the sneezeguard)

Cashier: I know but, you have to stay behind the sneezeguard.

Lorraine: The snee...

Cashier: The sneezeguard.

Lorraine: The snee...HUH?

Cashier: This is a sneezeguard.

Lorraine: It's a sneezeguard?


Lorraine: Behind the sneezeguard? (presses her lips against the back of the sneezeguard and coughs against the glass) GAHHHHH!!!

(other customers who were at the buffet leave)

Cashier: (to other customers) I'm sorry....(to Lorraine) Ma'am, you're starting to cost me customers, you need to get out from behind there. (Pulls Lorraine out from behind the guard).

(Another worker walks up and puts a new dish in the buffet.)

Lorraine: Oh gosh, what's this new dish he's puttin in there now?

Cashier: That's a....three bean salad.

Lorraine: A three bean salad huh?

Cashier: YEAH, YEAH! Hence the name "three bean salad!"

Lorraine: (puts her head under the guard again and begins to flick the beans out of the dish) I recognize these two here...

Cashier: Ma'am, please...stop...don't flick the beans!

Lorraine: (Comes out from behind the sneezeguard, holding one of the beans) What's this one here? What's this little bugger? Huh?

Cashier: That is a garbanzo bean.

Lorraine: Gar...huh?


Lorraine: Garban...huh??

Cashier: Garbanzo bean, GARBANZO BEAN!

Lorraine: Garbaaah, UH UH UH UH!! Garbanza? (flicks the bean into the air)

Cashier: Ma'am, you're obviously not going to buy anything, so I'd like you to just leave...

Lorraine: (picks a jalapeno out of the buffet) Look at this little hummer, huh? Look at that! (shakes jalapeno) Gahh that's cute, huh? What is that called, there?

Cashier: That is a jalapeno pepper, and it's very hot, so whatever you do, don't put that...

(Lorraine takes a huge bite out of the pepper)

Cashier: ...in your mouth!!

Lorraine: HUH?

Cashier: That is a hot pepper. That is a VERY hot pepper!

Lorraine: UH UH UH UH!!! UH UH UH UH!!!!


Lorraine: UH UH UH UH!!! (walks over to a big bowl of salad)

Cashier: You deserve that! I told you it was hot!

Lorraine: GAHHHHHHHH THAT'S HOT!!!!! (spits jalapeno out and starts stuffing salad into her mouth)

Cashier: Ma'am that is a $40 salad you are putting in your mouth!!

Lorraine: (starts choking on the salad and spits it all out, then goes over to a big bowl of jello and sticks her face into it and gargles it.)


Lorraine: UH UH UH UH!!!

(the manager walks out)

Manager: What is going on here??

Cashier: This IDIOT just swallowed a jalapeno pepper!

Manager: You're calling the customer an idiot?? Why aren't you helping her out??


Manager: Here drink this ma'am. (hands Lorraine a pitcher of water, which she begins to drink) I want you to apologize to her!

Cashier: I am not going to apologize to her! (to Lorraine) I already warned you, fair and square, lady, that it was a hot pepper...(Lorraine coughs and spits water into the cashier's face) YOU KNOW WHAT, LADY? I HOPE YOU SIT ON THE TOILET FOR A WEEK! I QU...(Lorraine burps)....I QUIT!! (cashier leaves)

Manager: Good! (to Lorraine) I'm sorry, ma'am, are you ok?


Manager: Yeah...

Lorraine: What do they call them buggers, anyway, huh?

Manager: It's a jalapeno pepper.

Lorraine: HAPP!! JALAPE...

Manager: Jalapeno pepper...

Lorraine: UH UH UH UH!! Jalapena? UH UH UH UH!! Gahhh that's hot. (sticks her face into the jello again and comes out with her face covered in jello) I think i'm gonna pass on the buffet. (starts to walk away, but then comes back to get her bucket of change that she left behind, which she shakes at the manager, and then finally leaves).
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Old 11/10/2004, 2:59 PM
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Pool Girl Female Pool Girl is offline
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That is my favorite Lorraine sketch. I'm glad you got that transcript up.

"Like I always say, there's no "I" in team. There's a "me" though, if you jumble it up." -Dr. Gregory House , House M.D
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Old 11/10/2004, 3:02 PM
elscorcho Male elscorcho is offline
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it's my favorite too...and there's more lorraine transcripts to come, when i feel like typing them up
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Old 11/11/2004, 11:03 AM
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Pool Girl Female Pool Girl is offline
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"Like I always say, there's no "I" in team. There's a "me" though, if you jumble it up." -Dr. Gregory House , House M.D
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Old 02/16/2008, 2:32 PM
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Ethereal Male Ethereal is offline
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Oh my god!! I laughed soooo hard when I saw this, lol. It was so hilarious! I loved it when she pressed her face against the glass and glared at him. Oh, and when she said "Last time a checked, the nickle is still legal tender!!" and then made a horse kinda sound and kicked the counter, hahaha.
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