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Old 05/01/2004, 10:21 AM
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Default Stuart: Kidnapped #1-2 (#608)

Stuart...............MICHAEL MCDONALD
Harley...............CHRISTIAN DUGUAY
Harley's Girl.......NICOLE SULLIVAN
Doreen..............MO COLLINS (Part II)
Cops.................VARIOUS (Part II)



Harley sits in on the couch, while his girlfriend walks in through the door.

GIRL: Hey, baby.

HARLEY: Since I sent you for smokes, it's been three hours.

GIRL: Well, somethin' funny happened to me today. Remember how you and me been wantin' a baby? Well, I found a baby at the mall.

HARLEY: Oh, no! You didn't!

GIRL: Honey, don't be mad at me! He is beautiful and he is outside and I want him!

HARLEY: Okay, geez. Bring him in.

GIRL: K. Okay, come on in, little one, it's okay.

Stuart enters.

STUART: You said that you had chickens!

GIRL: Well, yes, yes, we do have chickens. I will show you them in a minute. Is he just the cutest little orphan?

HARLEY: No. He don't look like no orphan.
GIRL: Well, he is an orphan and it is tragic and I want him!

HARLEY: All right, all right.

GIRL: Go say 'hi' to your new daddy. (She signals him over.

STUART: Don't!

GIRL: Go say 'hi' to your dadd-

STUART: Don't!

GIRL: Just go over and-

STUART: Do-on't!

GIRL: Well, he kinda spooks easily. Well, he-he likes food a lot.
Offer him some of them chips.

HARLEY: Okay, dude, you want some chips?

(Stuart has a grin.)

STUART: Kettle cooked barbecue! That's my favorite! (He walks over, and Harley puts the bowl in front of him.) Put them down first. (He digs in, quckly.)

HARLEY: Well, he's sure got a healthy appetite.

GIRL: That's because he's malnourished. He needs us!

HARLEY: Hey, little fella? You really got no momma?

STUART: Um...I wanted to have fast food for lunch, and my mama said, "What do I say about fast food?", and I said "I don't wanna say". And she said "Say it", and I said "Fast food gives you a fast death". And, and I said "But I want it anyway", and she said "No, and that's final". And then, I locked myself in the station wagon, and she said "Open up the door, Stuart", and I said "No, and that's final". And then she got mad and went inside to get the wooden spoon to give me a spanking, and that's when I ran away to the mall.

HARLEY: I knew it, he's no orphan, you have to take it back!

GIRL: No, baby, I don't wanna take him back! Don't you see how much happier he is here with us. Aren't you, sweetie? Aren't you? (She strokes his hair.)

STUART: Don't!

HARLEY: Looks like you kidnapped yourself a big brat!

STUART: (pause, then:) You're a poopoo. (He kicks him away.)

HARLEY: That boy kicks me in my own home!

GIRL (while Stuart kicks him): No, Harley, no, Harley! No! (She breaks it up). Stuart, would you like to go see those chickens now?

STUART: (pause, then:) Chickens fascinate me.

GIRL: Well, they're right out there in that yard, so go ahead and take a look.

STUART: Move! I need room! Move. (She does so, and Stuart looks through the window. Harley and his girlfriend face eachother.)

GIRL: You want me to take him back, don't you?

HARLEY: No, I got a better idea. We ransom him back to his momma, and we use that money to buy us a cuter kid.

GIRL: Well, that sounds kinda dangerous. Are you sure you just don't wanna keep Stuart?

(Stuart turns around.)

STUART: Look what I can do! (Here comes that dance - he goes all around the room. Harley and his girlfriend turn back to each other.)

GIRL: How much you think we can get from him?

To be continued...

(Note: this sketch cuts back and forth between the Larkin house and Harley's house).

(We see a ringing phone. We pan up to reveal Doreen, as she answers.)

DOREEN: Larkin residence. Hello?

HARLEY: We have Stuart and we want money.

DOREEN: Well, how much do you want, Mr. Kidnapper?

(She seems surprisingly calm as we notice a group of policemen in the background, recording the conversation.)

HARLEY: $10,000, cash.

DOREEN: Well, I can only afford 200, and it's going to have to be in a personal check.

HARLEY: Listen lady, either you give a thousand, or your kid gets it.

DOREEN: Ohahhhhhhhhhhhh- (The police officers tell her to stop making that angry noise. She calms down) Ahh.... I wanna talk to Stuart, make sure he's...okay. Huh?

HARLEY: Fine. Stuart, come here. Your mom's on the phone.

STUART: Well, I don't wanna talk to her, and neither does Henny Penny (the chicken).

GIRL: Stuart, if you talk to your momma, you can get some chips.

STUART: Mmm...Jalapeno Pepper and Vinegar with a hint of lime!

HARLEY: Just tell your mama to get the money.

STUART: What's that in your mouth?

HARLEY: A cigarette.

STUART: I wanna talk to my mom if I can smoke a cigarette.

GIRL: Stuart, you really shouldn't start smoking until you're at least 13.

STUART: Rrrggggg...

HARLEY: (handing him one, which he holds in his hand) Here you go, kid. Talk.

STUART: (on the phone) Uh...hello?

DOREEN: Stuart? Honey, it's mama! Are you okay? Are you alright?

STUART: Yes, I'm holding a chicken and smoking!

DOREEN: Well, you better not be smoking, young man. What does mama say about the smoking?

STUART: I don't wanna say.

DOREEN: Say it!

STUART: I don't wanna say!

HARLEY: Whatever it is, just say it!

STUART: Smoking is for Europeans and white trash.

DOREEN: That's right! Now you put out that ciggy!


(He drops it in Harley's drink. The cops suddenly burst through the door.)

COP: Freeze, you're under arrest!

GIRL: Oh, shoot. I just wanted me a baby! Stuart, I will always love you!

COP: Yeah, yeah, yeah, take her away.

HARLEY: So long, brat.

STUART: Don't!

COP: Would you get rid of him? It's okay, Stuart, you're okay now. Let's get you home.

STUART: No, I wanna stay and eat chips and talk to the chicken.

COP: No, come on. We gotta get you home, your mom is worried.

(They fight for a second, and the cop pulls Stuart away)

STUART: Ah, my foot is in the phone! Don't! (He gets loose). I'm free! I'm free!


(Doreen and Stuart are eating dinner.)

DOREEN: Well, you sure had a big day.

STUART: Uh-huh.

DOREEN: Mama was very worried. You promise to never run away again?

STUART: Uh-huh.

DOREEN: I love you Stuart, you know that?

STUART: Uh-huh.

DOREEN: Yeah, well good. You like your dinner?

STUART: Uh-huh. What's in it?

DOREEN: Well, it's your favorite. It's egg noodles...and chicken.

(Stuart has a disgusted look on his face, as the sketch ends.)


Enjoy. Correct me of any errors.

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Last edited by MJB12; 05/03/2004 at 8:16 PM.
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Old 05/03/2004, 8:16 PM
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OK. All finished.

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Old 08/29/2004, 7:43 PM
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There's two pages of Stuart transcripts now! For a minute, I thought this one got deleted somehow.

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