[MADtv] Episode S01E08 (Aired 1995-12-09)

[Miss Information]

Sweatin' to the O.G.'s
Russell Simmons (Orlando Jones) introduces the new workout routine specifically designed for all those gangsters out there. The 60 minute tape is the perfect way to work out, as Russell raps off the pounds. Russell has Def Jam packed this workout. To get your copy of Russell Simmons Sweatin to the O.G's, just dial 555-01-PHAT-ASS.

Credits: Dwight "Heavy D" Myers (Himself), Rick Strickland (Christopher "Biggie Smalls""Frank White""Big Poppa""The Notorious B.I.G." Wallace), Orlando Jones (Russell Simmons), Phil LaMarr (D.J), Caleb Sweazy (Shamu)

Lottery Losers #1
Phil LaMarr has won the lottery, and now feels that he is too good for the show, the cast, and the audience. When looked at his winning ticket closely by Artie Lange however, it turns out that Phil only won $500.00, which is less than what he makes a week. Phil thinks that everyone is forgetting the big picture, that he won the lottery. Artie tells him "It's $500.00 bucks. You don't have the financial balls to burp in public let alone act like an *******." As Artie, and Debra, who was also there mocking him leave, Phil realizes that he has done something terribly wrong. That something was quitting the show.

Credits: Phil LaMarr (Himself), Debra Wilson (Herself), Artie Lange (Himself)

Lottery-Producers #1
In order to get his job back, Phil approaches the big boss, executive producer Quincy Jones, and begs for it back. Quincy gives Phil his job back with no repercussions. As Phil leaves, Quincy sees that Phil is chewing gum. Quincy does not tolerate the chewing of gum in his office, and tells Phil that he must trade the gum he is chewing with a piece from Quincy's gum ball. Phil begrudgingly accepts, and leaves.

Credits: Phil LaMarr (Himself), Quincy Jones (Himself)

Daytime Jane-Ellen
Daytime Jane (Mary Scheer) is a show in which people come on to talk about the loss of their love ones. On stage is Ellen (Nicole Sullivan) who had her son kidnapped 6 years earlier when she turned her back on him for one second while he was playing on the swings at the park. Jane tells Ellen that she has a surprise for her. That surprise is the complete Bruce Springsteen CD collection.

Credits: Nicole Sullivan (Ellen), Mary Scheer (Jane), Bryan Callen (Man), Debra Wilson (Woman)

Monologue-L.L.Cool J.
Famed rapper, and actor, James "LL Cool J" Smith comes to the MADtv set to talk about how he hates the news. He doesn't like it that they don't ask the tough questions, like if Boris Yelsin's wife dresses like a hooker. He attributes this to them having no guts. LL wants to know the tough questions, like if the interviewee has ever been in a threesome.

Credits: Bryan Callen (Himself), James "LL Cool J" Smith (Himself)

The Octoroon
A man Blair (Bryan Callen), and a woman Cynthia (Nicole Sullivan) are out on a date, but Blair is upset that they have been seated by the waiter’s station. He attributes this to him being an Octoroon. When the waiter (David Herman) comes by to name the special, a swordfish in a mandalase sauce, and starts to explain what it is, Blair thinks that the waiter is dumbing him down, thinking that the waiter feels he can't understand it due to his Octoroon status. He orders the swordfish, and asks the waiter not to spit in it. Cynthia thinks that Blair is acting incredibly rude, and tells him that she doesn't think anyone would think that he is any part black. Blair starts to get loud and angry as the restaurant stares at him. He then starts singing the anthem of the Octoroons. Cynthia leaves and tells Blair to not call her. The waiter then comes by and tells Blair to leave. Blair leaves, threatening to sue the restaurant for 1/8th of everything it's got.

Credits: Bryan Callen (Blair), Nicole Sullivan (Cynthia), David Herman (Waiter), Orlando Jones (Bust Boy)

Don Martin-Scalpel **Animation**
A doctor is asking his assistant for surgical tools, but when she passes him the scalpel, she accidentally cuts off half of his hand.

Daytime Jane-Larry
Jane interviews Larry (Artie Lange). A man who has his wife, and 2 kids robbed from him in a hotel room when men in ski masks rushed in and stole his wife and kids from him while he was dying after 3 bullets were shot in his shoulder. This was 6 years earlier. Jane then takes questions from the audience. One audience member (Debra Wilson) thinks that he took the coward’s way out, and that they should have finished him off. Another audience member (Bryan Callen) thinks that Larry wasn't taking care of his wife in the bedroom. Larry cannot believe what he is hearing, and gets even sadder.

Credits: Mary Scheer (Jane), Nicole Sullivan (Ellen), Artie Lange (Larry), Debra Wilson (Woman), Bryan Callen (Man)

MADtv Classic: Gump Fiction
#101

Artie Lange (Man Waiting for the Bus), David Herman (Tom Hanks: Forrest Gump/ John Travolta: Vincent Vega), Orlando Jones (Samuel L. Jackson: Jules Winnfield/ Mykelti Williamson: Benjamin Buford "Bubba" Blue), Nicole Sullivan (Uma Thurman: Mia Wallace), Phil LaMarr (Himself: Marvin), Kevin Greviox (Lee Harvey Oswald), Craig Anton (Peter Greene: Zed), Walter O'Neill (Gary Sinise: Dan Taylor)

Scat Chat
Scat Chat is a show in which everyone talks in scat, making every conversation redundant. In this episode, scatter Rico (Bryan Callen) has come to talk about his new book Scoobidy Bop, but the conversation soon turns rough, as he seems to be put on trial. In the end, the whole show ends with nothing making sense.

Credits: Eugene Wright (Joe), Orlando Jones (Host), Nicole Sullivan (Woman #1), Bryan Callen (Rico), Debra Wilson (Woman #2), David Herman (Pixelized Face Man)

Spy Vs Spy-Jail Spring **Animation**
White Spy is in jail. Black Spy makes a cake and sneaks in a file for White Spy, which seems like an odd thing for him to do. As White Spy files down the bars to the window, and pulls the bars off to get free, the frame of the window closes in on him, keeping him in jail.

UBS Promotion
Due to union rules, no one at UBS can move up in the company until Jaq (Phil LaMarr) does, so Jaq is given a promotion to district manager and his own office. Jaq's first job is to hire his replacement. As Jaq interviews the new candidate (Bryan Callen), he notices that new trucks for the branch are coming in. He is so excited about it, and that leads him to want to be out driving again. Something he would not be able to do in his position, so he gives the position to the applicant and jolts for the trucks.

Credits: Mary Scheer (Manager), Phil LaMarr (Jaq), Bryan Callen (Man)

Daytime Jane-Ed
Jane talks to Ed (Orlando Jones) who's father went off to Vietnam during the war, and stayed when he became a great television star. Ed has not seen his father for 20 years, and has no idea what he looks like. Because he doesn't know what his dad looks like, Jane has a surprise for him. She brings out his dad, who is a small little white guy (David Herman), and most likely not his father. Ed believes though that this is his father, and gives him a huge hug.

Credits: Bryan Callen (Man), Mary Scheer (Jane), Debra Wilson (Woman), Nicole Sullivan (Ellen), Artie Lange (Larry), Orlando Jones (Ed), David Herman (Ed's Father)

Ejaculation Monologue
Nicole Sullivan comes on stage to talk about how she's sick and tired of men going into sex with an "I'm holding back!" attitude. God engineered the male species to release his seed as often, and as quickly as possible. There is no problem with being quick on the draw. It’s just being efficient. Nicole, for example, tapes her favourite shows because she doesn't have time to watch them during the week, so she doesn't want to waste her weekends with sex. She just wants it to be over and done with so she can watch ER. Every 10 seconds, a man in America commits an expeditious emission, but for Nicole, that's not nearly often enough.

Credits: Nicole Sullivan (Herself)

Fabulous--featuring RuPaul
A bunch of women are at a charity event. By the sounds of how they are talking, it seems like they only do charity so that they can brag about how much charity they do. They show it through all the festive ribbons they wear on their lapel, which essentially go to worthless causes like Quebec's right to succeed from Canada, and the support of small pox. The new cause these days seem to be crack whores, so to send the message, the poster child for the disease of crack whores Octopussy Sant (RuPaul Charles) has come to the benefit. By the end of the night, the ladies have spent the whole night at the benefit, but don't even know what the charity is.

Credits: Mary Scheer (Helen), Nicole Sullivan (Sylvia), Debra Wilson (Woman), RuPaul Charles (Octopussy Sant)

Don Martin-Rescue Plane **Animation**
A man is stuck on a small island. He sees a plane coming. He tries to get it to see him and it does, but when the plane starts to get closer and closer, the man realizes that the plane is crashing. The plane crashes into the tree on his island, and now both of them are stuck on the island.

Lady Madness
A bunch of friends are laughing, until one of three other friends Susan (Nicole Sullivan) comes in with some tea. She wants to know what they were all laughing about, but her husband (David Herman) tells her to just forget it. Susan however, remains consistent, pleading to know what the joke was. He tells his friend Mel (Orlando Jones) to just say the joke. The joke is about a man who brings a duck everywhere, until a bartender asks why he brings it everywhere, and the duck says, "Because he's the one with the driver’s license". Susan doesn't think that was actually the joke because everyone was laughing much to hard when she came in for that to be the joke. After constant persistence her husband finally tells her the joke. The joke was Mel and Maureen (Debra Wilson) asking him how he could stand living with such an insane, lunatic, monkey woman like her. When she asks why he says with her, he tells her that's the funny part of the joke. He was just about to tell her that he's leaving her. Susan then starts to get hysterical, saying how much she loves the joke that is when her husband says through laughter that he has been having an affair with her boss, so she will probably be fired because her boss most likely would not want a tense workplace. Susan is happy because at least now she can still get a job at the circus.

Credits: David Herman (Susan's Husband), Debra Wilson (Maureen), Orlando Jones (Mel), Nicole Sullivan (Susan)

Spy Vs Spy-Dream Boat **Animation**
White Spy records sounds into a recorder, sneaks into Black Spy's room, and puts headphones on him so that while he is dreaming, the sounds will manipulate things that will cause him to sleep jump out his window and to his death.

Lottery Losers #2/Lottery-Producers #2
The cast says goodnight, and tortures Phil about his lottery "winnings", having to beg for his job back, and having to take a piece of gum from Quincy's gum ball. Phil eventually leaves the room in a huff.

Credits: Orlando Jones (Himself), Nicole Sullivan (Herself), Mary Scheer (Herself), Debra Wilson (Herself), Phil LaMarr (Himself), Bryan Callen (Himself), David Herman (Himself), Artie Lange (Himself)

---

Starring:

• Bryan Callen (5A/4S/0W/0AF)
• David Herman (4A/1S/0W/1AF)
• Orlando Jones (2A/4S/2W/1AF)
• Phil LaMarr (1A/4S/0W/1AF)
• Artie Lange (3A/1S/0W/1AF)
• Mary Scheer (2A/4S/0W/0AF)
• Nicole Sullivan (4A/5S/0W/1AF)
• Debra Wilson (5A/3S/0W/0AF)

---

Special Appearances, and Co-Starring:

• Dwight "Heavy D" Myers (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
• Caleb Sweazy (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
• Teddy Gradjelick (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
• Rick Strickland (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
• Quincy Jones (0A/1S/0W/0AF)
• James "LL Cool J" Smith (0A/1S/0W/0AF)
• Kevin Greviox (0A/0S/0W/1AF)
• Craig Anton (0A/0S/0W/1AF)
• Walter O'Neill (0A/0S/0W/1AF)
• Eugene Wright (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
• RuPaul Charles (0A/1S/0W/0AF)

---

Transcript:

• The Octoroon
• Ejaculation Monologue

---

Legend:

• (A)ppearance Credit
• (S)tarring Credit
• (W)riting Credit
• Non-Speaking Credit
• (A)rchival (F)ootage Credit

---

[tvmanismadformad]

Sweatin' to the O.G.'s: Even though I am extremely white, I did really like this one. I also loved seeing Heavy D, the man who created the theme song we all know and love in this one. The highlight was Russell and all the songs he had.

Lottery Losers #1: This was one of the best openings of the season, and maybe the best opening so far. The highlight was Artie telling Phil that doesn't have the financial balls to burp in public let alone act like an *******.

Lottery-Producers #1: The one and only time we saw Quincy on the show. The sketch wasn't particularly funny, but it was still good to see Quincy on the show.

Daytime Jane-Ellen: I didn't like these. They just weren't very funny.

Monologue-L.L.Cool J.: This didn't seem very much like L's style. I mean wasn't he the #1 rap artist in the world at this time? He should have sang.

The Octoroon: This one was hilarious! I just loved how it kept getting more and more absurd. The highlight was Blair saying things like "once you've had Octoroon, you'll be wantin more soon", him singing Octoroon Nation, and him saying that he is going to sue the restaurant for 1/8 its got.

Don Martin-Scalpel **Animation**: This was funny, but still.

Daytime Jane-Larry: This one was much better than the first one. The highlight was Bryan saying that Larry should have treated his wife better in the bedroom, and that if she did, she wouldn't have left.

MADtv Classic: Gump Fiction: I'm not going to rate this one, but I would just like to acknowledge how important this moment was. Only 8 episodes into there first season, and MADtv was already resorting to past sketches as filler. A tradition they would keep going into the end of their run. A very important moment in the show on one of the shows never liked traditions. The replaying of classic sketches.

Scat Chat: I didn't like this one because I didn't get what was going on. I still don't really know what happened.

Spy Vs Spy-Jail Spring **Animation**: Not too bad, but I don't know why the White Spy didn't see it coming.

UBS Promotion: I must say this was one of the more weaker Jaq the UBS Man sketches. The highlight was him looking around his new office, and saying that he never drinks coffee because he doesn't think caffeine is good for the average person.

Daytime Jane-Ed: It was ok, but the highlight was still the audience members still ragging on Larry not treating his wife better, which has nothing to do with anything.

Ejaculation Monologue: This was probably the best of these monologues, and it gave us a key to the beautiful temple of Nicole. If a man like say me wanted to impress Nicole while having sex with her (which for me is about as possible as A live t-Rex being found in this time) now I'll know what to do. Ejaculate early, and ejaculate often. And I would be sure to rock her world every time , which I would.

Fabulous--featuring RuPaul: This one was average, but the highlight was Nicole. She acted perfectly, and even though I think her with any other hair colour other than blond looks bad, she did look hot in this. P.S. Never for Quebec separation! I will be long dead in the ground before that day comes!

Don Martin-Rescue Plane **Animation**: Not that funny or original.

Lady Madness: This sketch was horribly annoying, which is why it's great! I absolutely loved Nicole in this one. She just did a great job! The highlight was Nicole in this who was absolutely great, and her alone is what gives this sketch a 5 star rating from me!

Spy Vs Spy-Dream Boat **Animation**: Alright, not as special as some other Spy Vs Spy's, but still ok.

Lottery Losers #2/Lottery-Producers #2: This was one of the better closings. The highlight was Debra, who was just running Phil on this. "I love chewing gum! I'm crazy about chewing gum! I chew, chew, chew".

Out of 95 stars, this episode got 55 1/2 from me. That's about a C- rating. Not one of there better episode, but there were a few gems in this one. This was really Nicole's breakout episode to me. She was so great, and starting with this episode is when she really started to show how great she would be, and why she deserved to be there. Well done Nicole. You are going to be a star on this show for a long time after this.

[tvmanismadformad]

I was thinking about something recently. I think that the Schindler's Lost parody was suppose to be in this episode, but when Spielberg made the complant to Fox, and they told the show to can it, MAD had to replace it with something, and I think that something was the Gump Fiction sketch. I mean why would they rerun a sketch in only there 8th episode? This seems like the logical reason, and with the fact that both of them are pretty much the same length, it seems even more logical.