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Old 12/17/2004, 2:19 PM
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Default Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man: Depressed Again (#614)

© Miss Information

Sketch Length: 5:45
Original Airdate: 02.03.01

Michael McDonald ... The Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man: Mofaz
Stephnie Weir ... Girl


(Mofaz, the Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man, is driving with young girl in the passenger seat.)

Girl: You can just tow my car to the gas station. My dad's gonna meet me there.

Mofaz: No problem.

Girl: My dad was so mad on the phone, and this wasn't even my fault. The guy ran a red light. And I know he's gonna make me pay for the repairs. My dad is just like that. God, this sucks.

OPENING THEME SONG:
If you are blue, if you are sad,
if you're depressed, upset, or unbelievably mad;
you'll get a lift,
after talking with,
The Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man!

Girl: You know, you are so lucky. You don't have to deal with parents anymore.

Mofaz: Think again, sister. My whole family live with me. Nineteen people. Only one shower. Everybody use one shower. Everyone is very hairy. Do you know what the drain looks like after nineteen people use the shower? It's very dirty and very hairy. It is like, eh, how you say, hellahellalala, Madonna's chramelalekra.

Girl: Nineteen people! Wow! I hope you have a big house.

Mofaz: It's one bedroom apartment in Glendale. The south side, not the good side. Always people everywhere. Nothing! Always! Never! If I go to pick my nose, there is already a finger there. If I go to wipe my ass, there is already somebody wiping. If I go to make love with my wife, there is already somebody there saying, "Thumbs up! I got her first!"

Girl: Well, you know, I'm an only child; and I always wanted to be part of a really big family.

Mofaz: Then you are stupid. You are like, how you say, hellahellalala, Corky from Life Goes On. My favorite show is Dharma & Greg. All I want to do is watch Dharma & Greg and get the jokes. So I say to my family, "Shhh! Shhh! Be quit during Dharma & Greg. Hear the jokes." Are they quiet? No! Never! Always! I hear them fight! I hear them laugh! I hear them cry! I hear them poo! Always I hear them. They don't be quiet during Dharma. Dharma's going ot say a joke. "Hey, Greg, I just got home and..." [imitates farting noise]. That's what I hear. I hear that.

Girl: Well, at least your dad isn't mean.

Mofaz: Oh, don't make me laugh 'cause laughing makes my gums bleed.

Girl: Your dad is mean, too?

Mofaz: Twenty-four, seven, eleven. Always. When I was a young boy, I would go to sleep. Every night my father would creep into my bedroom and say, "Wake up! Your mama just killed herself! Your mama just killed herself!" And I would say, "Why, Papa, why?" And he would say, "Just kidding, be smart."

Girl: That is awful. Where was your mother during all of that?

Mofaz: I hate my mother. I hate her like N*Sync's new single. She would say... I was very fat... she would say, "Here, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy! Dance on your hooves for food, piggy, piggy, piggy! I'm going to slaughter you for breakfast, piggy, piggy!" Always she say the piggy. "Happy Birthday, I hate you, piggy, piggy! Go die!" Always. She was bad, always.

Girl: Oh, my God, that's awful! Gosh, I hope you never wrecked your dad's car.

Mofaz: We had no car to wreck! We had nothing but an old warthog to ride around on. One day, my father come to me, he say, "You touch the warthog, I will cut off you hellahellalala." I was fourteen, I did not want him to cut of the hellahellalala. I play with it all the time.

Girl: But let me guess, you did. You touched the warthog, and your dad got really mad.

Mofaz: No, he was killed by our neighbor.

Girl: God, I'm sorry.

Mofaz: Don't be. Was best day of my life. I came over to just view the bod and giggle. "Ho, ho, ho, who laughing now?!"

Girl: Well, that's a good way to look at the bright side of things, you know?

Mofaz: Where's the bright side?! All day, I pick up little girls who don't know how to drive. And then I live in Glendale, off the off-ramp by the freeway with one shower. Every day, I pull out mass of hair like Madonna's chramelalekra. I can not make love to my wife without taking a number. I cannot watch Dharma & Greg without hearing a little [imitates farting noise]. I...

Girl: You know what, there's my dad, right there! Just pull over!

Mofaz: All right.

Girl: Hey, thanks for talking to me. I feel a lot better.

CLOSING THEME SONG:
If you are blue, if you are sad,
if you're depressed, upset, or unbelievably mad;
you'll get a lift,
when you're talking with,
The Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man!

Mofaz: I wish I was dead.

(The audience cheers as the sketch comes to an end.)

*NOTE: The Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man's real name, Mofaz, is not revealed until the DPTTM sketch in episode 704; but I refer to him as Mofaz in this transcript for the sake of brevity.

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