[MADtv] After the Tour (#604)

[Princess PeachC]

Michael McDonald- Joseph
Christian Duguay- Ed
Will Sasso- Toby
Debra Wilson- Diana Ross

(Scene opens to Joseph and Ed sitting in the office)

(The phone rings)

Ed: Direct TV service department, 500 channels at your finger tips, how can I help you? (Picks up a piece of paper and starts crumpling it) Getting some interference, call back later.

(Toby walks in)

Toby: Hey dusche bags, spring breaks over, we’ve an emergency up in Beverly Hills.

Ed: Whose ass are we kissing this week?

Toby: Hey, moron, that’s none of your business, all right? The address is 1414 North Brookside Drive.

Joseph: You’re the moron, I know that address. That’s Diana Ross’s house.

Ed: You want us to fix her satellite dish after her tour was canceled for lack of ticket sales?

Joseph: Do you have any idea what frame of mind that diva is in right now?

Toby: You know what? You’re a bitch! (Points at Ed) You, get goin! One more thing, take my gun.

(Ed leaves)(He is now at Diana’s door)

Ed: Miss, a, Miss Ross?

Diana: Door’s open boy.

(Ed walks in)

Diana: I didn’t say come in! (She throws a flower vase at him)

(He is now back at the office)

Ed: You can fire me, I am not going back there!

Toby: Why didn’t you use the gun?

Ed: I saw her, you didn’t! Unless that thing has silver bullets, it would’ve worked.

(Toby turns and looks at Joseph)

Joseph: No, no way! No!

Toby: You know what? I don’t think a man with a wife, kids, and a new Champagne colored Montero really has a choice here. Now get goin!

(Joseph leaves and is now at Diana’s house)

Joseph: Hello?

Diana: Who’s there?

Joseph: Uh, Direct TV.

Diana: Come on in, boy. Did you bring me my roses and rubber pants?

Joseph: Uh, no, I’m just here to fix your TV.

Diana: Oh, so you’re here to connect me. After all, we are one big world community, and that community is all about love. (She starts to sing, but Joseph interrupts her)

Joseph: Excuse me, I’m just gonna get a line, right here in your TV. It won’t take long, ma’am.

Diana: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute . What did you just call me? A, come over here boy.

Joseph: I don’t, I don’t….

Diana: What did you just call me?

Joseph: I, I, I don’t remember.

Diana: Did you just call me ma’am?

Joseph: Maybe.

Diana: My name is Miss Diana Ross! What happened to this song was not my fault! Let me tell you something, I have sold out concerts all over the world, maybe just for kicks. I will sink my teeth into the name on your little, simple, ugly shirt, Joseph! And I will bite your nipple clean off!

Joseph: You were great in the Whiz.

(She goes towards him to attack him)

Joseph: OH DEAR, SWEET GOD!

(Back at the office)

Joseph: She bit off my nipple. I quit.

(Toby looks at Ed)

Ed: Good luck.

(Toby grabs the toolbox and leaves)

Joseph: Diana Ross bit off my nipple!

(Toby is now at Diana’s house)(He knocks on the door and just walks in)

Toby: Hi Miss Ross. Sorry to barge in.

Diana: That’s no problem, boy.

Toby: Good. (Walks slowly towards the TV) I realize that you're a very big star and I understand that there’s a lot of pressures that go along with that. And, I know that things can get a little crazy. Don’t mess with me, I played ball in college, so I’m certainly not afraid to mix it up with you, if that’s what you want.

Diana: No, no, that’s not what I want.

Toby: There. There was a wire loose. Tightened it and we’re done.

Diana: Oh, wait, wait, there’s one more thing. Your friend, who was here before you, he forgot something.

Toby: Yeah, what’s that?

(Diana sticks her tongue out and there is Joseph’s nipple on it)(She spits it at Toby and it lands on his face)

Toby: No! No! No! No! (He runs out the door)

(The scene ends showing the skull outside her house)