Go Back   Planet MADtv > Our Database > MADtv Repository > MADtv Transcripts
Register Members List Mark Forums Read


Thread Tools
Old 11/25/2004, 12:26 AM
Princess PeachC's Avatar
Princess PeachC Male Princess PeachC is offline
Lurking around the corner
Staff Alumnus
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Behind you...
Posts: 2,112
Default After the Tour (#604)

Michael McDonald- Joseph
Christian Duguay- Ed
Will Sasso- Toby
Debra Wilson- Diana Ross

(Scene opens to Joseph and Ed sitting in the office)

(The phone rings)

Ed: Direct TV service department, 500 channels at your finger tips, how can I help you? (Picks up a piece of paper and starts crumpling it) Getting some interference, call back later.

(Toby walks in)

Toby: Hey dusche bags, spring breaks over, we’ve an emergency up in Beverly Hills.

Ed: Whose ass are we kissing this week?

Toby: Hey, moron, that’s none of your business, all right? The address is 1414 North Brookside Drive.

Joseph: You’re the moron, I know that address. That’s Diana Ross’s house.

Ed: You want us to fix her satellite dish after her tour was canceled for lack of ticket sales?

Joseph: Do you have any idea what frame of mind that diva is in right now?

Toby: You know what? You’re a bitch! (Points at Ed) You, get goin! One more thing, take my gun.

(Ed leaves)(He is now at Diana’s door)

Ed: Miss, a, Miss Ross?

Diana: Door’s open boy.

(Ed walks in)

Diana: I didn’t say come in! (She throws a flower vase at him)

(He is now back at the office)

Ed: You can fire me, I am not going back there!

Toby: Why didn’t you use the gun?

Ed: I saw her, you didn’t! Unless that thing has silver bullets, it would’ve worked.

(Toby turns and looks at Joseph)

Joseph: No, no way! No!

Toby: You know what? I don’t think a man with a wife, kids, and a new Champagne colored Montero really has a choice here. Now get goin!

(Joseph leaves and is now at Diana’s house)

Joseph: Hello?

Diana: Who’s there?

Joseph: Uh, Direct TV.

Diana: Come on in, boy. Did you bring me my roses and rubber pants?

Joseph: Uh, no, I’m just here to fix your TV.

Diana: Oh, so you’re here to connect me. After all, we are one big world community, and that community is all about love. (She starts to sing, but Joseph interrupts her)

Joseph: Excuse me, I’m just gonna get a line, right here in your TV. It won’t take long, ma’am.

Diana: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute . What did you just call me? A, come over here boy.

Joseph: I don’t, I don’t….

Diana: What did you just call me?

Joseph: I, I, I don’t remember.

Diana: Did you just call me ma’am?

Joseph: Maybe.

Diana: My name is Miss Diana Ross! What happened to this song was not my fault! Let me tell you something, I have sold out concerts all over the world, maybe just for kicks. I will sink my teeth into the name on your little, simple, ugly shirt, Joseph! And I will bite your nipple clean off!

Joseph: You were great in the Whiz.

(She goes towards him to attack him)


(Back at the office)

Joseph: She bit off my nipple. I quit.

(Toby looks at Ed)

Ed: Good luck.

(Toby grabs the toolbox and leaves)

Joseph: Diana Ross bit off my nipple!

(Toby is now at Diana’s house)(He knocks on the door and just walks in)

Toby: Hi Miss Ross. Sorry to barge in.

Diana: That’s no problem, boy.

Toby: Good. (Walks slowly towards the TV) I realize that you're a very big star and I understand that there’s a lot of pressures that go along with that. And, I know that things can get a little crazy. Don’t mess with me, I played ball in college, so I’m certainly not afraid to mix it up with you, if that’s what you want.

Diana: No, no, that’s not what I want.

Toby: There. There was a wire loose. Tightened it and we’re done.

Diana: Oh, wait, wait, there’s one more thing. Your friend, who was here before you, he forgot something.

Toby: Yeah, what’s that?

(Diana sticks her tongue out and there is Joseph’s nipple on it)(She spits it at Toby and it lands on his face)

Toby: No! No! No! No! (He runs out the door)

(The scene ends showing the skull outside her house)

Reply With Quote


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
[MADtv] Bobby & Johnny's Heartland Tour blackwind General Discussion 5 10/04/2007 7:33 AM
[MADtv] Stephnie Weir on Tour Dot General Discussion 2 08/13/2007 10:53 AM
[MADtv] Hillary's Listening Tour (#504) Pizzotty MADtv Transcripts 0 08/14/2005 12:43 PM
[MADtv] Family Values Tour 2001 (#708) Viper MADtv Transcripts 0 05/17/2005 3:43 PM
[MADtv] Alex Borstein kicks off her US Tour Cat_Named_CeCe Front Page News 19 02/06/2004 9:44 AM

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 5:10 AM.