[MADtv] Accounting with Milton Cladwell 1-3 (#303)

[MJB12]

ACCOUNTING WITH MILTON CLADWELL

Milton Cladwell..................CHRIS HOGAN
Bill (voice)..........................WILL SASSO

Channel logo-
Announcer: You’re watching Public Access, channel 54, Hartford, CT.

Super: ACCOUNTING WITH MILTON CLADWELL

Milton: Ever dream of becoming a professional accountant? I did, and I did something about it. And now you can too! Hello, I’m Milton Cladwell. And for the past 20 years, I’ve run my own accounting firm. And guess what – I’ve finally decided to offer a course in account management. Sound exciting? It is. By following my 5-step plan, in just weeks, you’ll be able to put together a portfolio just like...

[He looks at his cluttery mess of a desk and searches for the portfolio.]

Milton: Just like this one...this isn’t the right portfolio. Where is...Kathy! Where is the Larson account? I can’t talk about tax portfolios when I don’t have the right portfolio; it was here just 10 minutes ago. All this clutter. Dammit!

[He gets up]

Milton: Kathy, where is the portfolio? I need you to cover for me, and instead you make me look foolish! A man in my position can’t afford to look foolish. I can’t deal with this now, the camera’s running.

[He returns to his seat.]

Milton: Hello. You know, tax portfolios are only the beginning. Let’s face it, dealing with your client’s personal finances can be a downright pain in the patootie. Not anymore, thanks to my 5-step organizational...

[He searches through the clutter of his desk once again.]

Milton: Oh, here’s my organization-, well, here’s step 5. Uh, Kathy? Where did you put the rest of the steps? I only have step 5. How are they gonna know what’s going on if they don’t know steps 1-4? Dammit. [He gets up.] I am not going to get one darn client because of you! [text begins.] I want my desk cleaned up. I need people to believe I have it together!

Scrolling:
Step 1: Organize a Financial Timetable
Step 2: Maximize your Potential
Step 3: Your Assets and You
Step 4: Plan your Focus and Focus your Plan
Step 5: Make your Files work for You

Milton: Hello? So...so, if someone you know is interested in the exciting world of accounting, then please call me at the number listed below [no number appears.] I’m Milton Cladwell, and remember, there are only two things in life you can count on – death, and accounting. I’m looking forward to your call at the number below. [no number.]


ACCOUNTING WITH MILTON CLADWELL #2

Channel logo-
Announcer: You’re watching Public Access, channel 54, Hartford, CT.

Super: ACCOUNTING WITH MILTON CLADWELL

Milton: Hello, I’m Milton Cladwell – a professional accountant. And guess what? I’ve decided to offer a course in the exciting field of account management. Sound exciting? It is. By ordering my course, Accounting by Mail, you’ll receive-

[He looks at his clean, clear desk.]

Milton: What happened to the papers on my desk? Kathy, I tell you to clean up my desk, and all you do is take the mess on top of my desk and shove it into my desk.

[Gets up.]

Milton: I put up a 401K for you, and this is how I get treated? This is what you do to me? I look like a buffoon. You help me find that packet or you’ll be sorry!

[Sits down.]

Milton: Hello, hello. Just let me find one thing. You know, accounting is a constant discovery process. [takes a chunk of papers from his desk.] You know, it was Richard Leaky himself- Oh, my god. Kathy – you didn’t mail the Intelecom quarterly taxes? Kathy? Oh, boy. These were supposed to go out last month. And that’s gonna cost them too many penalties. Dear God, Kathy. Intelecom will be cleaned out, and all because of you, you little beggar woman. I should beat you and hang you outside my office! Let pigeons peck your eyeballs out, to show everyone that I should not be taken lightly!

[Phone rings.]

Milton: Oh, I’ll get it. Cladwell Accounting?

Bill: Milton? It’s Bill!

Milton: Bill? Bill!?

Bill: Where are those quarterlies?

Milton: Bill, I’m telling you – it’s a different Intelecom. [realizing he’s on camera.] Oh, that’s funny Bill. You’re always funny, you got the best ones on the block! Best to Muffin, bye, bye.

[He hangs up.]

Milton: So if anyone you know is interested in the exciting world of accounting, why don’t you give me [phone rings] a call at the number listed below [1-800-555-0188]. Kathy – if Bill Tarbwell calls or stops by, I’m not here.

Bill [as Milton sets phone down on desk]: If you ever hang up on me again, Milton, you ugly, ugly man, you will be sorry!


ACCOUNTING WITH MILTON CLADWELL #3

Channel logo-
Announcer: You’re watching Public Access, channel 54, Hartford, CT.

Super: ACCOUNTING WITH MILTON CLADWELL

Milton [to side]: I’m sorry, Bill.

Bill: Open the door up, you son of a bitch!

Milton: Kathy, Kathy! Are the police her yet, Kathy!

Bill: I’m gonna kill you, Cladwell!

Milton: Did you even call them? Kathy! I said I was sorry, Bill. So stop all that pounding, huh? Kathy, do something!

[the door crashes open.]

Milton: Bill, what a surprise! You look fantastic. Have you been running? Kathy, get him! Oh, Bill, put the gun down. I’m not the bad guy, It’s Kathy! [5-step text scrolls.] Give me the gun! Blame it on Kathy. [gunshots.]

[A bloodied Milton sits down with the gun.]

Milton: It didn’t have to come to this. And it won’t, for you, as long as you order Accounting by Mail now. Just call me at the number listed below [number appears.] The line may be busy, because I’ll probably be on the phone with my lawyer.

[dials on phone.]

Milton: Yeah, Frank? Milton Cladwell. I have a problem down at the office. I may be a mass murderer. Sure, I’ll hold.

[He thumbs up, as we END.]