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Old 02/20/2005, 5:46 AM
crushonmary's Avatar
crushonmary Male crushonmary is offline
JAVAN said so.
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Baton Rouge, LA
Posts: 1,130
Default Ms. Swan: Eyewitness Swan II (#307)

Alex Borstein-Bunny Swan
Chris Hogan-Arthur Stroud, District Attorney
Phil LaMarr-Bob
Aries Spears-Suspect #2
Nicole Sullivan-Dianne Lawyer-Trabajo
Will Sasso-Suspect #1

Arthur: Bob, we got the nail salon robber.

Bob: Oh, that's great news! This could clinch the D.A. election for you!

Arthur: (checks his watch) Exactly! You know what? We've still got time for the 6:00 news. Why don't you call the reporters, get 'em here now. I'm gonna go inside, get a positive I.D. from the witness, and i'll give you a call.

Bob: Gotcha.

Arthur: (enters the witness room and closes the door) Ms. Swan.

Swan: Yuh--

Arthur: Arthur Stroud, District Attorney.

Swan: Yuh, I saw evvyting!

Arthur: Terrific!

Swan: OK, I teh you evvyting I saw!

Arthur: Exactly. Let's take a look over here... (pulls back the curtain)

Swan: OK.

Arthur: ...and you can tell me who did it!

Swan: (pointing at each suspect) OK, heeee...look-a-like-a-man.

Arthur: OK, yes, but which one?

Swan: Yuh, OK I teh you evvyting. Man who came and robbed my store.

Arthur: Yeah.

Swan: He...looook-a-like-a-man.

Arthur: OK, all four of them are men you know, ears and mouth and nose and eyes...

Swan: OK, yeah, eyes! Two eyes! He look at me, make a mean face like...(makes a "mean" grunt with her eyes squinted)

Arthur: (through the intercom) Number One, please step forward and make a mean face.

Swan: Yeah.

(Will steps forward and shows his bottom teeth with his eyes rolling in the back of his head)

Arthur: He's the one? He's the man that robbed you? Is that what you're saying?

Swan: Yeah, man that robbed me this close to me, (index finger is curled and close to her face) I never forget!

Arthur: Wait 'til the reporters hear this. (he begins to put is blazer back on) Number One, YES!!!

Swan: No. No

Arthur: No?

Swan: No.

Arthur: Are you saying now that Number One didn't do it?

Swan: Nuh--I teh YOU,(looks for Arthur on her right side, and he comes up behind her on her left side) he look-a-like-a-man!

Arthur: Ms. Swan, did ANY of these men rob you?

Swan: Yuh OK.

Arthur: 1? 2? 3?

Swan: Yuh, 1...2...3...4...

Arthur: And?

Swan: and 5...6...7...8, OK.

Arthur: (claps hands in sarcasm and impatience) You're good with your numbers, Ms. Swan, very good.

Swan: (Arthur walks back to the intercom)...I teh you...(Arthur, annoyed, looks at her)

Arthur: Number Two, step forward. (Aries steps forward, and Will steps back) Now was he a black man, or was he white like me?

Swan: Yuh OK, black-a-like-a-you, a-black-a-like-a-me, OK.

Arthur: (Sighs an walks back to the intercom) Number Two, step back. (Aries iffs at Swan)

Swan: (iffing back at Aries) YOU NO SCARE ME, UNH!
(Aries steps back and leans his head on the wall)

Arthur: Is there anything specific you remember?

Swan: OK, sepcific! You no say specific before! OK, I teh you specific!

Arthur: (pounding his left fist against his right palm) Mommy...mommy...

Swan: Heee, look-a-like-man.

Arthur: (whining)...mommy...mommy(sobs)...MOMMY! THE MAN WALKED INTO YOUR SHOP...

Swan: Yuh, walk! He have a funny walk, he make me laugh!

Arthur: (ecstatic) You can recognize his walk, then!

Swan: I teh you funny walk, he make me laugh and laugh!

Arthur: (walks to the intercom) Number Three, would you walk for me please!

(suspect three walks up)

Swan: (Giggling) Look, funny walk! It make me laugh!

Arthur: (leaning back punching at the air) YES!!!! I got the son-of-a-b#$%&!!! (puts blazer back on)

Swan: (walks to intercom) Number Three, walk again. (Number Three walks some more, and she laughs some more)

Bob: (at the door with a cell phone in hand) Arthur, how's it goin'? They're getting antsy!

Arthur: It's going great! She just recognized the perp, it's Number Three--she recognized his walk. I'll be out in a minute.

Bob: Great! (closes door)

(Arthur walks to Ms. Swan)

Swan: (at Arthur) Funny walk. (giggles) Funny walk! (points at his feet and laughs)

Arthur: Ms. Swan, the press is outside, and my whole political career is on the line.

Swan: OK.

Arthur: (angrily leans to her while pionting at the window) LOOK IN THE WINDOW! (word by word) Which one of these men robbed you?

Swan: OK, you calm down. I teh you evvyting. OK I teh you, now he...

Arthur: He...

Swan: (pointing at each of the suspects) He...

Arthur: Yes, he, yes?

Swan: He, looook-a-like-a...

Arthur: (yelling and closing his ears) DON'T! Don't! I'm begging you with every bone in my body! Don't even think about completing that sentence or uttering those words! Ever again!

Swan: Yeah.

Arthur: Understand?

Swan: Yeah OK...but he look-a-like-a-man, I teh you.

Arthur: (infuriated) MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN!!!!!! BURN IN HELL!!!! I HOPE THIS BUILDING COLLAPSES! I HOPE THAT THE STREETS BURST OPEN WITH DEMONS AND BEELZEBUB UP COMES THROUGH MY MOUTH AND SAYS "HA HA......."

Diane: (in the hallway outside the door, reporting) This is Diane Lawyer-Trabajo with "News at Six". Now, we're waiting here for the District Attorney to emerge with the name of the man who has been dubbed "The Nail Salon Robber". Good news for the D.A. because tomorrow is the election day.

(Arthur starts jumping up and down and flapping his arms behind Diane)

Arthur: WHOO! WHOO! HE LOOK-A-LIKE-A-MAN, HE LOOK-A-LIKE-A-MAN, HE LOOK-A-LIKE-A-MAN, DIANE...DIANE, DIANE! HE LOOK-A-LIKE-A-MAN, (face all in the camera) MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN!!!!!!! (runs away like a madman!)

Diane: This just in, that good news has turned to bad. (Swan leaves the room) Here comes the eyewitness, Ms. Swan? Ms. Swan, how do you feel about not being able to identify the man who robbed your store?

Swan: Oh, I identify, OK, I not stupid.

Diane: Well, did you tell the District Attorney that?

Swan: I try to, but you know he go all wacky before I get to Number Four.

Diane: So, it was number four who robbed you you're saying?

Swan: Yeah, I teh you evvyting. You know Number Four, but I try to tell him but he want go go on about Number One, Number Two, Number Three, and blah-blah-blah you know?

Diane: Yes, yes, I do.

Swan: I would not vote for this man. He need to take a "chill pill".

Diane: Well, you heard it here first. This is Diane Lawyer-Trabajo signing off for "News at Six".

Swan: You know, Diane, you need to make manicure.

Diane: Really? I--

Swan: Your hand loo-like a claw.

Diane: A claw? Like a bear claw?

Swan: Like an eagle.

Diane: An eagle?

(fades to Will's commercial bumper)

__________________
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Last edited by crushonmary; 02/21/2005 at 4:05 PM.
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