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  #1  
Old 08/22/2004, 12:32 AM
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Default Special Patrick: Special Olympics Championships (#909)

Special Patrick: Michael McDonald
Reporter-Diane: Stephnie Weir
CBS-Network President-Les Moonves: Paul Vogt
Tyra Banks: Daniele Gaither
Clay Aiken: Ron Pederson

(Opens with Olympic music in the background and the Special Olympics symbol)
(Scene opens with Diane standing with a mike in her hand and runners stretching in the background)

Diane: Hi, Iím here at the Hollywoodís Special Olympics competition, where celebrities and specially challenged athletes race together to make a win-win situation for everyone involved. Now, weíre getting ready to start our four person relay race, and I am here with team captain and Victoria Secret supermodel Tyra Banks.

(Tyra enters)

Tyra: Hi Diane! Itís a beautiful day for a beautiful cause! (Laughs)

Diane: It sure is! Oh, and here comes one of your other team mates, CBS Network President, Mr. Les Moonves.

Les: (Doesnít look too happy) The Special Olympics is a great Organization, and I am so happy to be here.

Diane: Well, good luck on the race. Oh! And here comes an idol to millions, of course I am talking about American Idol, Clay Aiken.

(Clay comes running in like a girl)

Clay: Thanks Diane. Ya know, Iíve been given so much in my life, thatís its so great to be able to give something back. A little Clay, Ďcuz (starts singing) I dooooooooooooooooo rururun, I do run ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun. (Winks at camera)

Diane: Wow. Alright everyone and, of course, here is your fourth team member and one of our featured special Olympians. (Waves for Patrick to come over)

(Patrick enters)(Walks over hurtles)(Waves to the camera)

Diane: Ah, I love these guys. (mumbles something) Ok, hi. What is your name young man?

Patrick: Iím Patrick and Iím 32.

Diane: Well Patrick, you look like your already a winner today. (Points to the medal on Patrickís pants) Tell, what is this little medal for?

Patrick: Itís for participation. They give one to everybody, which means it means nothing. They should take the P out of pitty and replace it with SH because this is Sh*tty. (Waves at the camera)

Diane: Alright! So, tell me Patrick, are you ready to race?

Patrick: Yyes! But they better not slow me down! (Points to other team members)

Clay: Ya know Diane, the great thing about people like this, (points to Patrick) is that they donít know the difference between winning and losing. So, just by competing, theyíve already won. (Winks)

Diane: Oh yeah.

Patrick: I know what a loser is Clay! Thatís what happened to you on American Idol, scare crow! (Smiles and waves at camera)

Tyra: Oh yeah, you know Diane, people like Patrick are what this competition is all about! Okay! He should not be ashamed about how is!

Patrick: Thank-you Tyra, and you shouldnít be ashamed that your only known talent is keeping your nipples erect. (Smiles and waves at the camera)

Tyra: (Puts hands to chest and says something while the audience cheers) Thatís not very nice! Nope.

Patrick: The truth never is. And by the way, our IQís are only about two points away from each other sweetheart. (Kisses Diane on the cheek)

Diane: Oh, oh, Patrick, honey, Patrick. That is not the, no. (Patrick kisses her again). That is not the sort of thing that you say to a lady.

Patrick: Thatís why I didnít say it to Clay!

Clay: (Puts his hands up) Itís, itís, itís alright Diane, I can take it. (Winks)

Patrick: Especially when Ryan Seacrest is giving it! (Winks) (Waves at the camera)

Les: (Interrupting) Now, now thatís enough, ok. Patrick, now today is supposed to be all about having a good time.

Patrick: Then I will have to remember never to watch your network. That new show youíve got, Two and A Half Men, with Charlie Sheen, is too dumb for me and Iím retarded. (Smiles and waves at the camera)

Diane: Uh, oh, okay, I think everyoneís had just about enough of this interview. Haha. So, how about it? Is everyone ready to race?

(They all cheer)

Les: You bet! Letís, letís haul ass!

Patrick: Oh please! If you tried to haul ass, youíd have to make three trips!

Les: (Yelling at Patrick, and Diane has to hold him back) You! You! You take that back!

Diane: Okay, okay!

Les: Iíll knock you on your ass you son of a.

Patrick: Go for it!

Diane: Oh, alright!

(Les gets angry and walks and goes back by Tyra)

Diane: I think I just heard the starter pistol everyone.

Tyra: Good, good, cause rain man here has about worked my laaast nerve!

Les: Oh yes! Oh yes!

Patrick: Hey Tyra, if I wanna hear any lip from you, Iíll just jiggle my zipper.

(Tyra mumbles something as the audience cheers and she walks out of the scene)

Les: Iím with Tyra. That little bastard can run with himself. (Follows Tyra and leaves the scene)

Clay: Well, Iím going to stay with you, because as my mama always said (begins to sing) when two people find each otherÖ

Patrick: (Interrupting) Hey, hey, tears for queers, (Clays gasps) if I wanted to hear from an A**hole, Iíll just fart. (Kisses Diane)

Diane: No, no.

(Clay runs off stage)
Diane: (Running after Clay) No Clay, Clay, I voted for you.

Patrick: Itís okay. Running is like sex, itís best when you do it alone. (Turns and starts running)

(Scene closes)

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  #2  
Old 08/22/2004, 8:40 AM
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Special Patrick is hilarious. I hope they do more of these. I'm surprised he got that much of an applause for it only being his second sketch (and across two seasons).

Good transcript, this was a good sketch.

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  #3  
Old 08/22/2004, 10:47 AM
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Yeah, that was a good sketch, I was really surprised that no one had done a transcript for it yet. LOL

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