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Old 02/18/2003, 11:27 PM
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Default Ms. Swan: Swan at Sharpest Image (a.k.a. Ms. Swan goes Christmas Shopping) (#411)

Melinda: Mo Collins
Kirk: Andrew Bowen
Ms. Swan: Alex Borstein




Melinda: (Haughtily, teasing Kirk) One more sale and it looks like I win the all-expense-paid trip to the Bahamas! Looks like you'll be feeding my dog.

(Melinda laughs while Kirk also laughs sarcastically, mocking Melinda.)

Melinda: (Teasing Kirk again) Take it like a man!

Kirk: (Disappointedly) Yeah, well, don't count me out, alright? Maybe I'll make those three sales in the next, you know, five minutes.

Melinda: (Saracastically) Uh yeah, sure you can, uh huh!

(The customer doorbell rings inside the store, and Ms. Swan enters.)

Melinda: Whoo! (In a pirate voice) "Thar she blows!" I'll see you at NASA, oh wait, no I won't! (Melinda taunts Kirk again, laughing; Kirk mock laughs here again.) Merry Christmas, ma'am! Welcome to The Sharpest Image, can I help you?

Ms. Swan: Yah. Okay, you go.

Melinda: (Forces a laugh) Why, I can't go, I'm the salesperson. Are you looking for a gift for someone?

Ms. Swan: Yeah, uh-huh. No, no. No gift.

Melinda: Okay...?

Ms. Swan: Yah, I look for help.

Melinda: Like I said; I'm a, I'm a salesperson, so; can I
help you find something?

Ms. Swan: You know, dis aftahnoon I come in and I talk to da man, and he the me he give me a good deal for three hundred dollar. Cash, you know.

Melinda: Yeah, okay. Do you, do you remember his name?

Ms. Swan: Yah.

Melinda: Oh, great, well...

(Melinda pauses for a second.)

Melinda: ...what was it?

Ms. Swan: Yah, go 'head.

Melinda: Okay?(Frustrated) How about; what did he look like?

Ms. Swan: Okay, I, everything I teh you.

Melinda: Okay. (Short pause) Okay,
you gonna, you wanna tell me or...?

Ms. Swan: Okay, yah, Okay, yeah. You know, he looka like me, he looka like you, you know, he looka little like the guy, you know.

Melinda: (confused) What guy?

Ms. Swan: You know the guy, in the commercial, you know? You know, the "Hey, you!" guy. The guy, he go like this: he go, "Hey, you!"

Melinda: I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean, but I can help you.

Ms. Swan: Ohhhh. *Swan flashes her special smile* You nice lady to help me. (Points to Melinda's name tag).Me-lin-da. Me Swan.

Melinda: Okay, "Me Swan," great. (Melinda looks around at Kirk, who is engaging in a sale with another customer.) What can I help you find?

Ms. Swan: Yah, I need one 'ting.

Melinda: Okay, what thing?

Ms. Swan: You know, da 'ting that you can do, you push and all the tings everybody do.

Melinda: Is it like a calculator or maybe a video game? Or?

Ms. Swan: Yah, yah, okay.

Melinda: Okay... (Gesturing) Ah, which, which one?

Ms. Swan: Yah, which one.

Melinda: Yeah.

Ms. Swan: You know, the one you can push, it go doo-doo-doo-doo-doot.

Melinda: (Frustrated) Ma'am, this is The Sharpest Image, everything pretty much goes Doo-doo-doo-doot.

Ms. Swan: No, not doo-doot. Dooh-doo, doo-dooh-go! Doo-dooh-go!?

Melinda: Oh, yeah, yeah, okay, that sure explains it. Ooh, remote control, like a remote control car, no?

Ms. Swan: No, Melinda, it do all 'tings, you know? And it shiny, and also black but with all da colors.

(Melinda stands next to Ms. Swan, obviously befiddled.)


Ms. Swan: (Eyeing a confused Melinda) You don't know nothing, I need da other man. (Waving cash at Kirk) Help me, Kirk!

Melinda: Wait, no, no, no! I'll help you, I'll help you! (Melinda desperately snatches Ms. Swan's money) Okay, I know exactly what you want. Just wait.

Ms. Swan: Okay.

Melinda: Here we go, here we go. Okay this here, is the remote control calculator, now you can calculate from up to fifty.

(Melinda stops and sees that Ms. Swan is not paying attention. She then looks in Ms. Swan's direction.)

Melinda: Oh, is that it? Is that what you were looking for?

Ms. Swan: Look how funny this is Melinda, he need a light but he have no eyes!

(Ms. Swan laughs at a display manikin.)

Ms. Swan: He cannot see!

Melinda: (Forcing a laugh) He can't see!

Ms. Swan: (Giggling) That funny.

Melinda: Funny, funny, should we wrap it up and go or--

Ms. Swan: No, it not for me! I have three hundred dollar and nowhere to put it, come on!

Melinda: (Frantically) Okay, I know where you can put it; I know where you can put it, I'll be right back. I've got the perfect thing.

(Melinda walks up to Kirk, who has just made another sale.)

Melinda: Oh my gosh, this lady is driving me crazy! I don't know what she wants!

Kirk: Really? 'Cause, boy, I feel like I'm gettin' a tan!

(Kirk laughs, while a frustrated Melinda runs back to Ms. Swan, who is eyeing a miniature pool table.)

Ms. Swan: (Holding miniature pool balls) Look at this. Look, how funny. You have such littah tiny balls, Melinda.

Melinda: (Embarrassed) You have no idea. Okay, let's see, is this it? The wallet that tells you how much money you have?

(Wallet: Current balance: Zero.)

Ms. Swan: (Unsatisfied) No, no.

Melinda: No, okay, well how about this, this is the online shaver.

(Melinda runs shaver up and down her chin, imitating a man shaving his beard.)

(Shaver: You've got mail!)

Ms. Swan: Oh, you know, I can give you a wax.

(Melinda is embarrassed.)

Melinda: How about this? (Holding up stapler) This here is a stapler, but it's also a cell phone! Have to be real careful with this, 'cause you know--

Ms. Swan: (Interrupting Melinda) Call waiting!

(Ms. Swan slams the stapler hard into Melinda’s head. Melinda screams in pain.)

Melinda: (In pain) Gosh, listen you have got to?

(Melinda takes a brief pause to dig the stapler out of her skull.)

Melinda: You have got to help me out here!

Ms. Swan: When I come in, you tell me you help me!

Melinda: Yes, yes, I want to help, I want to help you, I wanna help you but I need you to help me. Oh, I know, I know! It's the remote control attack dog!

Ms. Swan: (In awe) Oh, maybe!

(Melinda presses the button on the remote control that activates the attack dog. The attack dog springs to life and bites the leg of an unsuspecting customer, who runs out of the store screaming with the dog still attached to his leg.)

Ms. Swan: (Takes a brief moment to laugh) No.

Melinda: No?!! (Extremely frustrated) NO?!! Arrgh!!

(Kirk haughtily approaches Melinda.)

Kirk: One more sale and that trip's all mine! Get ready to feed my cat!

(Ms. Swan looks at Kirk, who is holding the same remote control calculator that Melinda was showing her before.)

Ms. Swan: (Pointing to remote control calculator) That's it! That's the one! You a life saver... (Takes a moment to look at Kirk's name tag) ...Kirk! Oh, 'tank you.

Kirk: Let me just ring that up for you...

Melinda: No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! That's what I showed you, that was the first thing that I showed you!

Ms. Swan: (Fondling imaginary calculator) Doo - doot, yeah!

Melinda: (Showing false enthusiasm) Doo - doot, yeah! So that's my sale!

Ms. Swan: Doo - doot - go!

Kirk: Yeah, doo - doot!

Ms. Swan: Doo - doot go!

(Melinda is at the end of her wits.)

Kirk: Yeah! There you go, ma'am!

[i](Kirk hands Ms. Swan her shopping bag.
Kirk: (To Melinda) 'Ya snooze, 'ya lose! What was that, huh? "Take it like a man!"

Ms. Swan: (To Melinda) Yah, you looka like you take ?a like a man.

Melinda: (Crying) Damnit! I was so close! And I really needed that vacation, too!

Kirk: (Feeling sympathy for Melinda) Oh, well, don't cry. Look, the trip's for two and I don't have anyone to go with... You wanna, you wanna go with me?

Melinda: Really, you mean it?

Kirk: Well, you have to sex with me.

Melinda: (Brightening up) Well, okay!

Kirk: Merry Christmas!

(Kirk hugs Melinda.)

(Scene cuts to Ms. Swan sitting in a vibrating chair, holding her remote control calculator.)

Ms. Swan: (In vibrating seat) O-o-o-o-o-oh, Mer-r-r-r-r-ry Chris-s-s-s-stma-a-a-a-as, God bless us all, ever-r-ryon-n-ne! O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oh!

(Ms. Swan smiles, flashing her buck teeth.)

__________________
Good evening, y'all. I'm Tovah McQueen. (And I'm Belma Buttons.) And this is, reality check. The show where you leave your delusions at the door, sit yo' ass down, open up wide for a big ole' slice of truth, with a side of wisdom.

--Reality Check

(Tovah: Oh now Belma baby-- I gotta ask yo' now: Did you make this Chocolate covered butter stick?

Belma: OOh, girl, you know I did. But I made it with that lightly salted butter. You know we do gotta watch our high blood.

Tovah: OOh, baby, this is so good I outtta bust 'ya in da head with a car engine!)

Reality Check: Dreamin' of Denzel Washington...

(my favorite Reality Check sketch)
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