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Old 12/16/2004, 3:43 PM
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Default Short Film: Steven Cragg "Breakfast" (#1008)

Miss Information

Original Airdate: 12/12/04
Sketch Length: 4:56

Steven Cragg ... Himself
Jay Downey ... Himself


(The surname "cragg" appears in lower-case white lettering on a black screen. MADtv writer Steven Cragg appears onscreen in his kitchen.)

Steven Cragg: Hi, I'm Steven Cragg, and one of the following statements is true: A) I created Seinfeld, B) I have a huge penis, or C) I'm a write for MADtv. See if you can tell from my expression which one of those statements is correct.

(Steven Cragg begins to cry and plead with the camera.)

Steven Cragg: Please don't make me write another Stuart, please. Bobby Lee! Hey, can I get a water please?

(Steven Cragg drinks the water and spits it own. He moves to his back door, keels over, and begins throwing up.)

Steven Cragg: Bobby Lee!

(Cut to Steven Cragg standing up in his kitchen. He has regained his composure.)

Steven Cragg: Anyway, the people in charge of MADtv have graciously allowed me the opportunity to do some short films this season. And I had to think long and hard about how to make them good, how to make them unique, and how to make them interesting because I know there's a lot of people out there right now just rubbing their dirty, candy-covered monkey paws, just hoping I'll fail. Well, I'm not gonna fail, get it? Because I came up with two rules. Number One: My films aren't gonna be funny. That takes a lot of pressure off of me. Okay? And besides, I think not being funny is the future of sketch comedy. And if you don't beieve me, just take a look at Blue Collar TV. Oh, no he didn't. Oh, no you didn't. Oh, snap. The other rule I came up with is my films are gonna be personal. Yeah, my films are gonna have meaning, okay? That's why the first film I'm gonna do is about my dad.

(The word "dad" appears in lower-case white lettering on a black screen.)

Steven Cragg: Now, my father passed away about two years ago. And, uh, he died on the east coast. I live on the west coast. Uh, anyway, um, I regret not having been there for my dad. So, I thought I'd take this opportunity to rectify that situation.

(The camera reveals elderly elderly actor Jay Downey sitting across the table from Steven Cragg.)

Steven Cragg: This is an actor. His name is Jay Downey. How you doing, Jay?

(Steven Cragg and Jay Downey shake hands.)

Steven Cragg: Good to see ya. Now, Jay is about the same age as my dad, when he died, right? He's just a couple years younger, a couple years younger. And, uh, Jay's gonna portray my father so that I can have a last breakfast with him that I missed out on. So, are you ready to do this?

Jay Downey: I'm ready, let's do it.

Steven Cragg: Okay.

(Steven Cragg and Jay Downey eat breakfast. An awkward silence fills the dining room.)

Steven Cragg: This is a little weird.

(Steven Cragg and Jay Downey continue to eat in awkward silence.)

Steven Cragg: Good morning, Dad.

Jay Downey: Good morning, son.

Steven Cragg: Oh, now you want to talk to me!? You ignore me your whole life, and now you want to talk to me!?

(Steven Cragg splashes his orange juice in Jay Downey's face.)

Steven Cragg: F*ck you! F*ck you! You never called me on the phone! Not once!

(Steven Cragg slaps Jay Downey across the face.)

Steven Cragg: You never called me on the phone! Not once! You understand that!? Not once! All you do all day long is read the newspaper!

(Steven Cragg slaps Jay Downey again.)

Steven Cragg: My son or the newspaper!? My son or the newspaper!? You chose the inanimate object, you d*ck!

(Steven Cragg slaps Jay Downey once again. Jay Downey falls out of his chair.)

Steven Cragg: You f*cking jackass!

Jay Downey: What the hell is wrong with you!?

(Steven Cragg gets Jay Downey in a headlock. He begins to force-feed a pancake to Jay Downey. He then pours syrup on Jay Downey's head.)

Steven Cragg: There's some syrup!

Jay Downey: Get off me!

(Jay Downey begins to fight back. Steven Cragg breaks a plate over his head.)

Steven Cragg: Fight me, fight me! Yeah, that's it! Fight me! I wish you had taught me when I was young, it woulda shown me you cared!

(Steven Cragg gets Jay Downey in a headlock once again and begins to punch him in the crotch. They stop fighting, but the begin again.)

Steven Cragg: Get off me. Get off me.

(Steven Cragg and Jay Downey stop fighting and sit down. They breathe heavily as they recover from the fight.)

Steven Cragg: Well, I guess there's some closure. Thanks, Jay.

Jay Downey: F*ck you.

Steven Cragg: Well, there's my first film. Have a nice day.

(The word "end" appears in lower-case white lettering on a black screen.)

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