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Old 08/28/2004, 8:33 AM
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Default Stuart Plays Teeball (#419)

Sketch length – 4:33

Stuart Larkin.............................MICHAEL MCDONALD
Doreen Larkin...........................MO COLLINS
Coach........................................WILL SASSO

COACH: Well, thanks for signing your little boy up for teeball, Mrs. Larkin, we were one player short.

DOREEN: Well, he’s so active. He’ll be a regular Babe DiMaggio for ya, yeah-eh-ah. But I’m so worried...with all the bats and baseballs flying around, I don’t want him coming home in an ambulance with a broken collarbone.

COACH: Well, it’s just teeball. I wouldn’t get too worried. By the way, where is your little boy?

DOREEN: Well, I just had him here with me a minute- Oh, there he is by the Snack Shack. STUART! Stu-art, you come on over here and meet your coach, Stuart!

Stuart enters with food.

DOREEN: Well, Stuart, where did you get that taquito? Where did you get the taquito?

STUART: I found it by the dugout.

DOREEN: Well, you can’t eat that. What does mama say about the taquito? What does mama say about the taquito?

STUART: I don’t wanna say.

DOREEN: Say it.

STUART: I don’t wanna say.

DOREEN: Go on, say it!

STUART: I don’t wanna say! (pause) Taquitos go in one end and they explode out the other.

DOREEN: That’s right. (Stuart shoves it into his mouth) So don’t you eat that! Oh, Stuart! Oh, I’m going to be cleaning out his undies for a week! Come on over and meet your coach! Go on!

COACH: Hey, there. How you doing there, partner?

STUART: Don’t!

COACH: I’m just trying to say ‘hi’.

STUART (growling): Don’t!

COACH: He’s got some spunk in him, that’s good. You ever hit a teeball there, Stuart (hands him bat).

STUART: Look what I can do!

Stuart jumps forward, almost knocking the coach with the bat.

COACH: Jesus! Whoa!

DOREEN: Oh, he’s so active.

COACH: Yeah, he’s...he’s...something. I don’t know what. Stuart, eh, you ever hit a ball before?

STUART: I’m not allowed to hit.

COACH: Well, today you’re allowed to hit. Alright, now I want you to hit really hard.

DOREEN: Well I don’t like the sounds of that. (poking his crotch) Well, Stuart...where’s your cup? Where’s your goo-goo protector? Where’s your goo-goo protector?

STUART: I left it on the drinking fountain.

DOREEN: Stuart, I’ll go get it. (exits)

COACH: Stuart, look, over here. It’s just the boys now, Stuart. Just the men. Okay, stand up to the plate here, I’m going to show you how to-

STUART: Let me do it.

COACH: Stuart, you don’t know how to-

STUART: Don’t.

COACH: I’m just trying to-

STUART: Don’t! Let me do it. Let me do it.

COACH: You got to put your elbows like...like...I need to help you...and, alright, I’m just going to...

STUART: Let me do it.

COACH: Fine, whatever. Hands off. Go for it, go ahead and swing. (pause) Swing at the ball.

STUART: Stop talking in my ear.

He hits the ball, but it only goes about a foot.

COACH (picking up ball): See, son. You don’t know how to do it, so let me show you how to do it. Alright, son, you’re going to-

STUART: Don’t!

COACH: Okay, Stuart. Square up...I want you to square up...look at the ball, and hit it. Get mad at it! Get mad at the ball, Stuart. Right, Stuart? Does anything make you mad? What makes you mad, Stuart?


COACH: What makes you mad, Stuart?

STUART: The world.

COACH (“okay...”): Oh...okay, why don’t you...think about...the world, and swing at the ball. Swing at the ball, Stuart. Get mad, hit it. Hit it, hit it, hit it-

Instead of hitting the ball, Stuart begins to violently whack the coach with the bat, over and over.

Running around in circles, Stuart eventually knocks the ball off, and tries to shovel it around with the bat, before continuing to hit the coach.

COACH: Give me the bat...give me the bat so I can break your ugly head off!

DOREEN (running back): Oh, my god. What are you doing?

COACH: He started it!

DOREEN: What kind of teeball team is this!? Come on, Stuart. We’re leaving.

STUART: Look what I can do!

Stuart repeats the dance from earlier, almost knocking into the coach, who backs away. The coach tries to defend himself with the bat.

STUART: Don’t.

COACH: Yeah!

DOREEN: Yeah-ah-eh-ah!

COACH: Yeah...yeah, eh!

DOREEN: Yeah-ah-eh-ah!

STUART: Oh-oh-o-o-oh!

Doreen & Stuart leave.

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Old 08/28/2004, 1:39 PM
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I will do 407 in the next few hours, and 716 also.

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