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  #1  
Old 11/02/2002, 7:52 PM
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Default 1st Madtv Academy Awards

Hello and welcome to the 1st Madtv Academy Awards
I'm your host for this event......Tarzapam

*rowdy applause from the audience*

We are here tonight to honour Mad tv sketchs and cast members, past and present
We've had cast members go on with great success
Orlando Jones for example, now starring in Hollywood films with stars like Tom Cruise and Julianne Moore
with success comes failure......Nicole Sullivan for example

*loud boos from the crowd*

Oh come on people
King of queens isn't exactly high rating tv
its the poor mans everybody loves raymond

ok i think thats our cue to go to the first catergory

Our first presenter is.........

*looks at cue machine*

um........

I'm sorry, they haven't told me whose presenting first, but i'm sure they are successful
so give them a nice welcome

*crowd applaudes as the host walks off stage*




  #2  
Old 11/04/2002, 4:02 PM
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Announcer: Ladies ad gentlemen, please welcome Mad Dog!

*Applause sign flashes* (audience wakes up two claps are heard)

Thank you, okay thankyou, you can stop clapping (clapping continues) okay, lalala, lalala, lalala! And we're quiet, okay thankyou. My name is Mad Dog and i'll be your award presenter bitch for the first 5 minutes of the evening. oops did I say "bitch"? Explains the smirk on Robert Downy Jr.'s face at the back there. Okay that was low: just like Christina Aguilera is right now compared to Justin Timberlake in the seat on top of her. Geez, no wonder she sold out! Wait, my bad, that's not Ms Aguilera, It's just mr. Downy Jr. again. Ooops. I knew Mr. timberlake was a player, but the soap on the rope game is a sign he's gone one slut too far, okay.

(Security walks out dragging presenter off stage)

Computer Voice: For the award for "Best Featured Player" , here are the nominees...

Craig Anton
Dannah Feinglass
Kathryn Fiore
Taran Killam
Brooke Totman

And the award goes too...

Drumroll please......



Kathryn Fiore

During her year long run as a featured player in most episodes during season 7, Kathryn took on the challenge of playing the "younger girl" rolls including impressions of Sarah Michelle Gellar, Mandy Moore and the legendary Olsen Twins performance. She played Katie in the recurring Embarrassing Parents sketches and worked well in straight rolls creating excellent chemistry with other castmembers. Well done Miss Fiore, this one's for you!

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  #3  
Old 11/04/2002, 4:35 PM
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*host walks on stage*

Wow, wasn't that exciting
I guess that win REALLy shows that looks DON"T matter
no really they don't

and now onto the next award
and here to present it is.....

*squints at cue machine*

you have to be kidding me

*gives forced smile*

its......Mad Dog

*walks off stage in a huff*
  #4  
Old 11/04/2002, 4:40 PM
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Computer Voice: Due to technical difficulties... or security guard difficulties with Mad Dog...HiVolt will now present the award for
"Best Commercial Parody"

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  #5  
Old 11/06/2002, 11:53 PM
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*host walks back out on stage*

Oh my, i'm sorry about the delay
we seem to have lost our next presenter Hivolt
He's probably in the toilets with a naughty picture of Nicole Sullivan and.....

*Spotlight flashes host in the face*

Hey watch it buddy

Ok and now for the second time
Your next presenter of the Best commercial parody award...........
Hivolt

*host disappears off stage*
  #6  
Old 11/08/2002, 3:56 PM
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*host reappears on stage*

It seems Hivolt is taking longer in the bathroom then we first thought, so we are going to move onto the next award
Best Male Celebrity Impression.

Here to present it is our leader....i mean moderator
The man responsible for the Mad Tv forum
A great man...
Blackwind

*host begins to walk off stage*
What?
I have something brown on my nose

*dissapears off stage*
  #7  
Old 11/09/2002, 1:42 AM
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Lightbulb Best Male Celebrity Impression

Hi, I'm Matt McClure. You may remember me from such boards as "The MADtv Chatter" and "The MADtv Forum" and such educational videos as "The Quickest Path to an Unchapped Johnson is a Well-wrapped Johnson" and "Anal Leakage: A Biography". All scatological humor aside, I've been given the prestigious (*cough* *hack* *die*) honor of presenting this year's award for Best Male Celebrity Impression! When Mad Dog first called and asked me to do the show, I asked her "Why me, Heavy D? I mean, apart from the obvious fact that I'm about to star in my third major motion website, Planet MADtv?"

*pauses for contrived applause*

Shhhhh! You're embarrassing me!

Anyway, the nominees for Best Male Celebrity Impression are...
  • Will Sasso's Bill Clinton
  • Will Sasso's Arnold Schwarzenegger
  • Aries Spears' James Brown Jr.
  • Phil LaMarr's Michael Jackson
  • Alex Borstein's Regis Philbin
What a monumental occasion! This is almost *half* as exciting as the dirty videos I'd be watching if I was at home right now! That said, the winner of Best Male -- and I use that term loosely -- Celebrity Impression is... Phil LaMarr's Michael Jackson!

*music plays, audience applauds, presenter runs off with the award causing a catastrophic ruckus*

So long, suckers!

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  #8  
Old 11/09/2002, 8:04 AM
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ROFL!! Very funny!!

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In honor of Family Guy possibly returning...
Security Guard: All right son, we're gonna need those two hams back.
Chris: Huh? I don't have any hams.
Guard: Lift up your shirt, son.
Chris: I need an adult! I need an adult!
Guard: You're not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty fat fatty. Hey Tom, he's just a fat kid! Aren't you, fatty? You're just a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate, fatso.
Chris: Thanks!
*************
Lois: Oh, honey, no one thinks you're fat.
Lifeguard: I'm sorry ma'am, you can't park your van on the diving board.
Lois: This is my son!
Lifeguard: Oh. My apologies. Hey Tom! He's not a van, he's just a fat kid!
--Family Guy
  #9  
Old 11/10/2002, 11:15 PM
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*host walks back out on stage*

Wow, that was exciting
At this very moment we have a large group of huge men prying the award from Blackwind's hands
If you don't see him for the next few days thats why

I think now is a great time to remember some of the good times of mad tv

*large screen drops down*

*laughter erupts from the audience*

*unfortunately host still has her microphone on*

"Who writes this bull****, i thought this was the actual Academy Awards, when i find my agent, i'm gonna kick his ass, and then i'll personally take care of that blacktree jackass.....what........blackwind...whatever and this audience ****ing sucks if i have to hear one more......."

*realizes mic is on, runs out on stage and big screen quickly goes up*

"um.......and cut, yep my rehersal is done, i was just reahersing, yep commercial break time, we'll be right back"
  #10  
Old 11/10/2002, 11:52 PM
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ugh i suck at this sort of stuff, someone take my spot....

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  #11  
Old 11/11/2002, 2:32 PM
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No exceptions, don't have to do anything special just be yourself!

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  #12  
Old 11/11/2002, 4:40 PM
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*host is back from commercial break*

HI, welcome back
We are going to attempt once more to present the award for
the Best commercial parody
So here comes your presenter................Hivolt

*host storms off stage muttering something*
  #13  
Old 11/13/2002, 4:05 PM
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Computer Voice: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome HiVolt.

*Applause* (Mad Dog walks onto stage)

Ttchaa, you know what, uh uh. Hi thankyou for the applause once again,HiVolt couldn't make it tonight, his corpse was found in a bathroom stall after the seat fell and he bled to death: oops! A collection of Play Girl magazines were also found at the scene. I joke, i joke. I've been sent here in his replacement to present the award for "Best Commercial Parody". But first, lets see who else is in the audience this evening. Oh if we look to the front left, we can see Louis Anderson. Good seat choice sir I see you're having thirds and fourths next to the food cart! Oh my bad it's just Roseanne in a silver dress. I see you've placed your coats on another chair, just who are you saving the seat for? Oh wait, i just got a cue you're wearing your coats. I hope you both turned on your beepers when you backed up to sit down. Some nose insurance for the people behind you may be nice as well.
(screaming heard) Okay, okay, moving on, geez, someone took a cranky pill this morning. No wonder you're divorced!

(security guards march onto stage dragging Mad Dog off)

Computer voice: For Best Commercial Parody, here are the nominees.

Plutonium Christmas Lights
McDumpster's
Tee-Hee-Hee Shirts
Once A Year Maxi Pads
Radio Shack

And the award goes to.......




Plutonium Christmas Lights!!!

Congratulations to the winner for the Best Commercial Parody. Spishak deserves this award for an excellent sketch featuring a not so excellent product. Well Done!!!

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  #14  
Old 11/15/2002, 5:21 PM
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*stumbles back out on stage*

Hhhmmmm that was fantastic
Looks like its time for the next award which is...........
Best Satrical Sketch...what?
eh...anyway

And here to present it is everybodys favourtie bandcamp member
and no, he hasn't brought his flute with him

*crowd is silent whilst host waits for laughter, crickets chirp in the background*

.......um.........Madislove

*host rushes off stage*
  #15  
Old 11/15/2002, 6:09 PM
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*madislove comes on stage smoking pot* well, it's great to sponsor the Carny Time Hotel and Casino, a subsidiary of the Gambino Olive Oil and Cheese Importing Company and Tacahito Entertainment; how may I help you? i'm madislove and... heh... stick a fork in me, i'm baked! is that a big huge hippo sitting over there? oh wait no, that's just oprah wearing a jumpsuit. let's not hope that that spandex breaks lady, or you'll be having some cracks like i have.
*loud sounds of disgust from crowd*
oh people, i'm not being racial, i'm just racin cause my body's on drugs... like rosie o'donnell is on anti-depressants. *rim shot from next performing band, Blink 182*
guess these guys have been clean lately... havent seen this band since sunday when i had my championships in scranton... got so drunk in the room that i jumped in the pool with my clothes on and when i woke up, i was in the hot tub with this dollar whore naked... woo, what a night that was...
*britney spears' breast implant flies out, hits speaker and lands on madislove's head*
speaking of head, hey that hooker was great... *stands up, throws up on beyonce's afro*
wow, i havent seen an afro that big since mini-me got lost in justin timberlake's curls!
*madislove gets shot in neck with tranquilizer dart, security drags off stage*

woman computer voice: and the nominees for best satire sketch are…





Halloween Spooktacular Serial Killer
Fast Food Order
Xmas Toy Horse
Werewolf
Midnight Golfer

the winner is Xmas Toy Horse!


props go out to david herman for that sketch. unfortunately, he couldn't make it tonight because he has no career. but i guess you can remember the good times, even if season 8 is good thus far.

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As we’re laying here.

And I wake up today
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  #16  
Old 11/17/2002, 4:58 AM
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*host walks back on stage*

well wasn't that special

Lets move this along...............quickly

Next award
um.............................
whatever
next presenter
oh................

*sees mad dog walking from behind the curtains*

oh crap.....again?
Mad dog

*gives a half hearted welcome to mad dog and quickly walks off stage*
  #17  
Old 11/19/2002, 4:20 PM
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Hello...

*Audience boos!*

Okay and u know what, u can all kiss my butt!

*Audience laughs*

Okaayyy, my name is Mad Dog, and i've been sent here yet again to present the award for "Best Female Character". I know, I've appeared on stage more times than anyone else. My appartment is being sprayed and I need some cash to stay in motel this evening. I once again thank Matt for letting me sit on his knee to get the job.
*Audience cheers*
Yup just what I thought, a bunch of pre-pubecent alcohalic teens cheering for something they'll never get any of. Can we get a spot light on those people. The Barenaked Ladies: oops, didn't mean to center u out. but heck it's the most media attention you've got since 1994. Interesting band name. since you're the barenaked LADIES, when you get married, let me know who wins the coin toss to be the husband.
*Security pulls curtain tapping foot on floor*
Okay i can take a hint I'll just read the winner

The nominees for Best Female Character are...

Ms Swan (Alex Borstein)
Bunifa (Debra Wilson)
Dixie Wetsworth (Mary Scheer)
Lorraine (Mo Collins)
Vancome Lady (Nicole Sullivan)

and the MADtv Oscar goes to.............




The Vancome Lady by Nicole Sullivan!!!

And here to accept the award is the Vancome Lady....

VL:Ttcha, u know what? uh uh!
MD:Here's your trophy your highness (runs off stage)
VL:Christmas on a cracker, think of all the people I had to sleep with to win this one eh'. The presenter did a good job say before the show was planned but look at her dress. I thought the $2 whore look was out? Maybe it was just me....And what about those to male presenters? The chances of seeing them again on stage are the same as Vanilla Ice in public! In other words, as likely as a Crossroads sequel! Yup a bunch of unempolyed Canadians: gee they won't blend in! And then there's the host. What's with that, the company runng this thing is so cheap they couldn't even afford Anne Heche? Can't get much cheaper than that....
*Giant hook yanks winner off stage* A monitor shows presenters having nervous breakdown offstage. Cut to commercial.

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  #18  
Old 11/20/2002, 10:07 PM
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Wow wasn't that super

While we get set up for the next award
please enjoy our first musical act for the night..........

*Nsync


*crowd sits in silence*
*host practically runs off stage*
  #19  
Old 11/20/2002, 10:13 PM
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Justin: Hi i'm Justin also known as Michael Jackson wannabe and britneys ex

Jc: Hi i'm Jc, also know as the other guy that sings main vocals

Joey: Hi i'm joey........I just stand here

Chris: Hey I'm chris, I'm the queer one

Lance: Yo, i'm lance, rejected astronaut

nsync: and together we are............NYSNC

*as the boys start to belt out their hit tune..Girlfriend, the floor suddenly opens up below them*

Justin: Oh my face, my beautiful face

*the stage sets back up, the dust settles and the host walks back out*

Theres 20 seconds of my life i'll never get back

*theres soft cries for help and scratching coming from under the stage*

Um....... commercial

*cut away shot of host grabbing a shotgun and heading down the stairs*
  #20  
Old 11/22/2002, 11:47 AM
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You forgot to add:

* Sulfuric acid is released from buckets on top of the stage, melting the flesh & bones of the nsync fagbaits... *


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