[MADtv] Senators Debate (#804)

[Dartanian]

Starring:
Ron Pederson- Doctor Ronald Birnum (Democratic Candidate)
Michael McDonald- Mayor Richard Campbell (Republican Candidate)
Debra Wilson- Announcer

Debra: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the debate for the Illinois Senate seat between Republican candidate Mayor Richard Campbell and Democratic candidate Doctor Ronald Birnum. Mayor Campbell won the coin toss backstage, so he will be answering first. The question is: Do you believe in sacrificing certain civil liberties to guarantee national security?

Mayor Campbell: What people need to understand is the rules we live by during peace time no longer apply. America is at war.

Doctor Birnum: No, no. What folks need to comprehend is that the laws we abide by are no longer applicable. America is in a non peace time period.

Mayor Campbell: No, no. The Government must be able to bend laws to protect it's people.

Doctor Birnum: I disagree, the Administration should be allowed to take liberties with the rules to defend it's people.

Mayor Campbell: You don't know what you are talking about!

Doctor Birnum: And you Sir are unaware of the words coming out of your mouth!

Announcer: Gentlemen, please try not to interrupt each other. Thank you. Doctor Birnum, the next question is for you: Where do you stand on welfare reform?

Doctor Birnum: Ah, welfare... is like a band-aid. It can cover the would, but it cannot heal it.

Mayor Campbell: That is totally untrue. Welfare is like an adhesive strip that goes over an open sore. It cannot provide a permanent remedy.

Doctor Birnum: Mayor, I cannot believe what I am hearing! These people need jobs!

Mayor Campbell: Doctor, my ears must be decieving me. These citizens need employment.

Doctor Birnum: But don't you think work gives the common man self esteem?

Mayor Campbell: NO! An occupation gives a person self respect. America needs to get back on it's feet.

Doctor Birnum: Untrue. America needs to get back on it's heels, arches and toes. We need to get back to the America that our Grandfathers broke their backs to create.

Mayor Campbell: Wrong. We need to return to the country our fathers' fathers' fought to create.

Doctor Birnum: Oh please! Your Grandfather was nothing but a bootlegger who made liquor in copper tubs, and sold it to people who lived in shanty towns!

Mayor Campbell: Well at least my Grandfather wasn't an illegal alcohol maker who created booze in a metallic vat and sold it to impoverished residents of ghettos!

Doctor Birnum: You are a big liar!

Mayor Campbell: And you are a large size non truth teller! Would you listen to his mud slinging? It's this kind of talk that is tearing this country apart. That's what you're doing!

Doctor Birnum: I'm not doing that!

Both (Simultaneously): What America needs right now is to come together as one. (point to each other) He wants to divide this coutry! (Both look shocked and offended) Excuse me? hahaha that's ludacris. My platform will help unify America. I believe in welfare reform, homeland security, school uniforms. What? That's my platform you thief! (point to each other) and let me tell you somehthing else, you pompous windbag, you're the reason America is such a mess! (Both look shocked and offended) Oh I'm the reason am I? Well I'f I'm a pompous windbag, then you're a jackass! How dare you! (Both hold up fists to each other) Why I outta... (Point to each other) Look! look! he was going to hit me! I feel sorry for the American people that this is all they have to choose from. (Look at each other) I refuse to share the same stage as you! (Both move into middle of the stage) Where do you think you're going? I'm leaving the stage! Oh really? What exit are you going to take? (Both point to the same exit) This one! No, I'm taking this one! Fine, I'll take this one! (Point to doors behind each of them and leave stage) If you want an original thinker in Office, vote for me! (Both slam doors).

[funny_guy]

Originally posted by Jim_Cockhurtz
I missed the first few seconds of this sketch on my tape, so if anyone knows what the first few words Debra says are, I'll edit them in.

This was a funny sketch, good transcript! The first part goes:
Debra: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the debate for.....(then continues from your transcript)

[MJB12]

Quick fix:

Doctor Birnum: Untrue. America needs to get back on it's heels, arches and toes. We need to get back to the America that our Grandfathers broke their backs to create.

Mayor Campbell: Wrong. We need to return to the country our fathers' fathers' fought to create.

Doctor Birnub: correct as typed.

Mayor Campbell: Wrong. We need to return to the country our fathers' fathers' snapped their spines to make.

[MJB12]

Sorry - Birnum, not Birnub.