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Old 12/31/2004, 9:37 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2004
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Default Paul Timberman's Workshop: Curio Cabinet (#316)

Paul Timberman - Will Sasso
Announcer - Phil LaMarr


(Paul Timberman enters his workshop)

Paul: Oh, Hi there, welcome to Paul Timberman’s Workshop, I’m Paul Timberman.
Today we’re gonna be finishing up the shelves on that white pine curio cabinet that we started last week
So, let’s get at her ha, ha,

(Walks over to the assembled cabinet and strokes it)


You know white pine is just a wonderful woman of a wood, a real fine country lady
So you’re gonna wanna be sure to take your time and be gentle.


I like to reinforce the joints with these ¾ inch wood screws,
now I’m gonna place the screw right on the edge of the drill here and position it on the side of the shelf.
So now, when you’re doin’ this you wanna hold this shelf real steady cause,
once that screw’s in, it’s in.

(Paul screws his thumb to the cabinet)


Ok I thnk you get the idea he, he, let’s go over and make us a top shelf
but first I’m gonna put on my safety goggles,
now I can’t tell you how many letters I get from folks who injure their eyes due to a nasty chip of wood or what not flying in there.
Now I’ve got a 10 inch wide board and I’m gonna split it down the middle
Now here we go (begins cutting the wood using the table saw)

Alright, now you see why these goggles are so important, cause you gotta keep your eyes on the wood at all times,
you can’t be looking up here

(Paul takes his eyes off the wood and blood splats all over his face and goggles,
He’s cut his thumb off, and blood squirts everywhere,
he wraps a cloth around the wound)



Uh, let’s uh, let’s uh, cut to Commercial
Run the tape, oh mercy

[/i](Cuts to a Pre-recorded Paul Timberman Commercial for the Nail O Matic)[/i]

Hi I’m Paul Timberman of Paul Timberman’s Workshop and when I need a Nail Gun I reach for the Nail O Matic
Nail O Matic’s been in the Nail gun business for over 40 years with a tradition of excellence and quality.
(Shoots 5 nails into the wood)
They’re fast, dependable and always hit their mark,
So remember every nail’s a bulls eye

(The nail ricochets off the wood straight into Paul’s forehead)

With Nail O Matic

(Paul Faints)


Announcer: Nail O Matic, available from hardware store everywhere, ask for it by name.

(Cuts back to the Cabinet that Paul was originally trying to finish.
His hand is still bleed and he’s covered with blood and slurring his words.
Blood squirts all over the cabinet)


Paul: For the purpose of time, I’m gonna cheat abit and show you the finished Curio
Now isn’t this great for showing off little nic-nacs or a touching family memento
And I’m sure you’ll agree this is the perfect piece for the living room or child’s bedroom
And it’s not only functional, but it’s something beautiful to look at


I tell you what, I don’t feel so hot


(Paul falls on the cabinet, breaking it, and then falls to the floor)


Announcer: A fashioned country cradle
(Shows scenes of Paul trying to make a cradle, drilling his wrist,
dropping a canister on his foot,

impaled by a long piece of wood and in pain with blood all over his hands)



Paul Timberman’s Workshop is brought to you by Skaiser Permanente,
Skaiser Permanente, because accidents happen.

__________________

Kenny Rogers CS2 CHAMPION: Want sumthin' done right, Gotta doooo it yourself!
Young People, be less picky about who you screw cause it all feels the same in the dark

Jasmine Wayne-Wayne: Je ne sais quoi = I am an Indian.
England?......Where's That? I miss the Money

WILL SASSO IS THE KING OF MADtv
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