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Old 10/15/2003, 5:22 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Planet MADtv
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Default Episode S01E08 (Aired 1995-12-09)

Sweatin' to the O.G.'s
Russell Simmons (Orlando Jones) introduces the new workout routine specifically designed for all those gangsters out there. The 60 minute tape is the perfect way to work out, as Russell raps off the pounds. Russell has Def Jam packed this workout. To get your copy of Russell Simmons Sweatin to the O.G's, just dial 555-01-PHAT-ASS.

Credits: Dwight "Heavy D" Myers (Himself), Rick Strickland (Christopher "Biggie Smalls""Frank White""Big Poppa""The Notorious B.I.G." Wallace), Orlando Jones (Russell Simmons), Phil LaMarr (D.J), Caleb Sweazy (Shamu)

Lottery Losers #1
Phil LaMarr has won the lottery, and now feels that he is too good for the show, the cast, and the audience. When looked at his winning ticket closely by Artie Lange however, it turns out that Phil only won $500.00, which is less than what he makes a week. Phil thinks that everyone is forgetting the big picture, that he won the lottery. Artie tells him "It's $500.00 bucks. You don't have the financial balls to burp in public let alone act like an *******." As Artie, and Debra, who was also there mocking him leave, Phil realizes that he has done something terribly wrong. That something was quitting the show.

Credits: Phil LaMarr (Himself), Debra Wilson (Herself), Artie Lange (Himself)

Lottery-Producers #1
In order to get his job back, Phil approaches the big boss, executive producer Quincy Jones, and begs for it back. Quincy gives Phil his job back with no repercussions. As Phil leaves, Quincy sees that Phil is chewing gum. Quincy does not tolerate the chewing of gum in his office, and tells Phil that he must trade the gum he is chewing with a piece from Quincy's gum ball. Phil begrudgingly accepts, and leaves.

Credits: Phil LaMarr (Himself), Quincy Jones (Himself)

Daytime Jane-Ellen
Daytime Jane (Mary Scheer) is a show in which people come on to talk about the loss of their love ones. On stage is Ellen (Nicole Sullivan) who had her son kidnapped 6 years earlier when she turned her back on him for one second while he was playing on the swings at the park. Jane tells Ellen that she has a surprise for her. That surprise is the complete Bruce Springsteen CD collection.

Credits: Nicole Sullivan (Ellen), Mary Scheer (Jane), Bryan Callen (Man), Debra Wilson (Woman)

Monologue-L.L.Cool J.
Famed rapper, and actor, James "LL Cool J" Smith comes to the MADtv set to talk about how he hates the news. He doesn't like it that they don't ask the tough questions, like if Boris Yelsin's wife dresses like a hooker. He attributes this to them having no guts. LL wants to know the tough questions, like if the interviewee has ever been in a threesome.

Credits: Bryan Callen (Himself), James "LL Cool J" Smith (Himself)

The Octoroon
A man Blair (Bryan Callen), and a woman Cynthia (Nicole Sullivan) are out on a date, but Blair is upset that they have been seated by the waiter’s station. He attributes this to him being an Octoroon. When the waiter (David Herman) comes by to name the special, a swordfish in a mandalase sauce, and starts to explain what it is, Blair thinks that the waiter is dumbing him down, thinking that the waiter feels he can't understand it due to his Octoroon status. He orders the swordfish, and asks the waiter not to spit in it. Cynthia thinks that Blair is acting incredibly rude, and tells him that she doesn't think anyone would think that he is any part black. Blair starts to get loud and angry as the restaurant stares at him. He then starts singing the anthem of the Octoroons. Cynthia leaves and tells Blair to not call her. The waiter then comes by and tells Blair to leave. Blair leaves, threatening to sue the restaurant for 1/8th of everything it's got.

Credits: Bryan Callen (Blair), Nicole Sullivan (Cynthia), David Herman (Waiter), Orlando Jones (Bust Boy)

Don Martin-Scalpel **Animation**
A doctor is asking his assistant for surgical tools, but when she passes him the scalpel, she accidentally cuts off half of his hand.

Daytime Jane-Larry
Jane interviews Larry (Artie Lange). A man who has his wife, and 2 kids robbed from him in a hotel room when men in ski masks rushed in and stole his wife and kids from him while he was dying after 3 bullets were shot in his shoulder. This was 6 years earlier. Jane then takes questions from the audience. One audience member (Debra Wilson) thinks that he took the coward’s way out, and that they should have finished him off. Another audience member (Bryan Callen) thinks that Larry wasn't taking care of his wife in the bedroom. Larry cannot believe what he is hearing, and gets even sadder.

Credits: Mary Scheer (Jane), Nicole Sullivan (Ellen), Artie Lange (Larry), Debra Wilson (Woman), Bryan Callen (Man)

MADtv Classic: Gump Fiction
#101

Artie Lange (Man Waiting for the Bus), David Herman (Tom Hanks: Forrest Gump/ John Travolta: Vincent Vega), Orlando Jones (Samuel L. Jackson: Jules Winnfield/ Mykelti Williamson: Benjamin Buford "Bubba" Blue), Nicole Sullivan (Uma Thurman: Mia Wallace), Phil LaMarr (Himself: Marvin), Kevin Greviox (Lee Harvey Oswald), Craig Anton (Peter Greene: Zed), Walter O'Neill (Gary Sinise: Dan Taylor)

Scat Chat
Scat Chat is a show in which everyone talks in scat, making every conversation redundant. In this episode, scatter Rico (Bryan Callen) has come to talk about his new book Scoobidy Bop, but the conversation soon turns rough, as he seems to be put on trial. In the end, the whole show ends with nothing making sense.

Credits: Eugene Wright (Joe), Orlando Jones (Host), Nicole Sullivan (Woman #1), Bryan Callen (Rico), Debra Wilson (Woman #2), David Herman (Pixelized Face Man)

Spy Vs Spy-Jail Spring **Animation**
White Spy is in jail. Black Spy makes a cake and sneaks in a file for White Spy, which seems like an odd thing for him to do. As White Spy files down the bars to the window, and pulls the bars off to get free, the frame of the window closes in on him, keeping him in jail.

UBS Promotion
Due to union rules, no one at UBS can move up in the company until Jaq (Phil LaMarr) does, so Jaq is given a promotion to district manager and his own office. Jaq's first job is to hire his replacement. As Jaq interviews the new candidate (Bryan Callen), he notices that new trucks for the branch are coming in. He is so excited about it, and that leads him to want to be out driving again. Something he would not be able to do in his position, so he gives the position to the applicant and jolts for the trucks.

Credits: Mary Scheer (Manager), Phil LaMarr (Jaq), Bryan Callen (Man)

Daytime Jane-Ed
Jane talks to Ed (Orlando Jones) who's father went off to Vietnam during the war, and stayed when he became a great television star. Ed has not seen his father for 20 years, and has no idea what he looks like. Because he doesn't know what his dad looks like, Jane has a surprise for him. She brings out his dad, who is a small little white guy (David Herman), and most likely not his father. Ed believes though that this is his father, and gives him a huge hug.

Credits: Bryan Callen (Man), Mary Scheer (Jane), Debra Wilson (Woman), Nicole Sullivan (Ellen), Artie Lange (Larry), Orlando Jones (Ed), David Herman (Ed's Father)

Ejaculation Monologue
Nicole Sullivan comes on stage to talk about how she's sick and tired of men going into sex with an "I'm holding back!" attitude. God engineered the male species to release his seed as often, and as quickly as possible. There is no problem with being quick on the draw. It’s just being efficient. Nicole, for example, tapes her favourite shows because she doesn't have time to watch them during the week, so she doesn't want to waste her weekends with sex. She just wants it to be over and done with so she can watch ER. Every 10 seconds, a man in America commits an expeditious emission, but for Nicole, that's not nearly often enough.

Credits: Nicole Sullivan (Herself)

Fabulous--featuring RuPaul
A bunch of women are at a charity event. By the sounds of how they are talking, it seems like they only do charity so that they can brag about how much charity they do. They show it through all the festive ribbons they wear on their lapel, which essentially go to worthless causes like Quebec's right to succeed from Canada, and the support of small pox. The new cause these days seem to be crack whores, so to send the message, the poster child for the disease of crack whores Octopussy Sant (RuPaul Charles) has come to the benefit. By the end of the night, the ladies have spent the whole night at the benefit, but don't even know what the charity is.

Credits: Mary Scheer (Helen), Nicole Sullivan (Sylvia), Debra Wilson (Woman), RuPaul Charles (Octopussy Sant)

Don Martin-Rescue Plane **Animation**
A man is stuck on a small island. He sees a plane coming. He tries to get it to see him and it does, but when the plane starts to get closer and closer, the man realizes that the plane is crashing. The plane crashes into the tree on his island, and now both of them are stuck on the island.

Lady Madness
A bunch of friends are laughing, until one of three other friends Susan (Nicole Sullivan) comes in with some tea. She wants to know what they were all laughing about, but her husband (David Herman) tells her to just forget it. Susan however, remains consistent, pleading to know what the joke was. He tells his friend Mel (Orlando Jones) to just say the joke. The joke is about a man who brings a duck everywhere, until a bartender asks why he brings it everywhere, and the duck says, "Because he's the one with the driver’s license". Susan doesn't think that was actually the joke because everyone was laughing much to hard when she came in for that to be the joke. After constant persistence her husband finally tells her the joke. The joke was Mel and Maureen (Debra Wilson) asking him how he could stand living with such an insane, lunatic, monkey woman like her. When she asks why he says with her, he tells her that's the funny part of the joke. He was just about to tell her that he's leaving her. Susan then starts to get hysterical, saying how much she loves the joke that is when her husband says through laughter that he has been having an affair with her boss, so she will probably be fired because her boss most likely would not want a tense workplace. Susan is happy because at least now she can still get a job at the circus.

Credits: David Herman (Susan's Husband), Debra Wilson (Maureen), Orlando Jones (Mel), Nicole Sullivan (Susan)

Spy Vs Spy-Dream Boat **Animation**
White Spy records sounds into a recorder, sneaks into Black Spy's room, and puts headphones on him so that while he is dreaming, the sounds will manipulate things that will cause him to sleep jump out his window and to his death.

Lottery Losers #2/Lottery-Producers #2
The cast says goodnight, and tortures Phil about his lottery "winnings", having to beg for his job back, and having to take a piece of gum from Quincy's gum ball. Phil eventually leaves the room in a huff.

Credits: Orlando Jones (Himself), Nicole Sullivan (Herself), Mary Scheer (Herself), Debra Wilson (Herself), Phil LaMarr (Himself), Bryan Callen (Himself), David Herman (Himself), Artie Lange (Himself)

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Starring:
  • Bryan Callen (5A/4S/0W/0AF)
  • David Herman (4A/1S/0W/1AF)
  • Orlando Jones (2A/4S/2W/1AF)
  • Phil LaMarr (1A/4S/0W/1AF)
  • Artie Lange (3A/1S/0W/1AF)
  • Mary Scheer (2A/4S/0W/0AF)
  • Nicole Sullivan (4A/5S/0W/1AF)
  • Debra Wilson (5A/3S/0W/0AF)
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Special Appearances, and Co-Starring:
  • Dwight "Heavy D" Myers (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Caleb Sweazy (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Teddy Gradjelick (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Rick Strickland (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Quincy Jones (0A/1S/0W/0AF)
  • James "LL Cool J" Smith (0A/1S/0W/0AF)
  • Kevin Greviox (0A/0S/0W/1AF)
  • Craig Anton (0A/0S/0W/1AF)
  • Walter O'Neill (0A/0S/0W/1AF)
  • Eugene Wright (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • RuPaul Charles (0A/1S/0W/0AF)
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Transcript:---

Legend:
  • (A)ppearance Credit
  • (S)tarring Credit
  • (W)riting Credit
  • Non-Speaking Credit
  • (A)rchival (F)ootage Credit
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Last edited by tvmanismadformad; 07/12/2009 at 8:07 PM.
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