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Old 11/07/2004, 3:30 PM
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Princess PeachC Male Princess PeachC is offline
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Default Abercrombie & Fitch: Apple (#1004)

Ike Barinholtz- Dutch
Michael McDonald- Cougar
Alanis Morissette- Apple
Ron Pederson- Carpenter
Paul- Customer

(Scene opens to Abercrombie and Fitch store)

Customer: Excuse me, does Abercrombie & Fitch sell fleece blankets to match these pajama bottoms?

Cougar: No, maíam, we donít.

Customer: Maíam? Iím not a woman.

Cougar: And Iím not listening. Yo Dutch, catch! (Throws football to Dutch)

Dutch: Uh, whatever you do Cougar, donít tickle me!

Cougar: Oh, you mean like this? (Starts to tickle Dutch)

Dutch: I said donít! I said donít, no, no! Itís just not the same without Carpenter. Even though heís six feet away, itís like heís in another world.

Cougar: True dat, dawg. Ever since that new girl started working here, heís been spending all his time her.

Carpenter: You have got the most amazing natural highlights I have ever seen in my life!

Apple: No, you do!

Carpenter: No, you do!

Apple: No, you do!

Carpenter: No, you do!

Apple: No, youÖ

Cougar: What female in her right mind would wear active pants with a prop top cami?

Dutch: And last years pebble leather belt? Hello!

Cougar and Dutch: That chick does not know how to match separates!

Carpenter: You know baby doll, I canít stop thinking about last night.

Apple: Same here. When we put our vintage core jackets on and drove that beep up old Jalopy through that moonlit wheat field, I have never felt more Abercrombie.

Carpenter: Me neither. Especially when we took off all our clothes and went duck hunting in the forest.

Dutch: Did you hear that?

Cougar: He went nude duck hunting without us.

Dutch: Thatís bullshizzle!

(Dutch throws the football at Appleís head)

Apple:Ow! You hit me!

Carpenter: Hey Dutch, what the fizzle? You just hurt my gal pal.

Dutch: Yeah, not as bad as you hurt us.

Cougar: Yeah! I thought weíre all playing on the same team, but then you switched sides, and for what? Two fried eggs and a stale slice of cherry pie.

Apple: Excuse me! I have name. Iím Apple! And you need to apologize.

Dutch: Actually, you need to apologize to us for coming in here and ruining our dynamic.

Cougar: Yeah! Whore!

Carpenter: Hey, donít talk to her like that, bitch.

Apple: You guys need to understand that Abercrombie is just not about boys, itís also about girls. Girls with sunkist skin and medium sized breasts who get together at dawn and play topless flag football. And after the game, we take a hose and wash the dirt off each other and gently hit the water in all the right places.

(Cougar almost throws up)

Cougar:Like I said, WHORE!

Carpenter: Alright, that is it!

Cougar: Bring it!

Dutch: Itís on!

Carpenter: Eat this! (He pushes Cougar)

Cougar: Dude, you stretched my rib waffle cotton scarf!

(The boys start to hit each other)

Carpenter: Ow, donít!

(They fall to the floor and make a dog pile)

Apple: Carpenter, Iím going to Wetzels Pretzels

(The boys ignore her and continue to fight)

Apple: Carpenter! Anybody?

(They keep ignoring her)

(Apple leaves)

Dutch: Itís good to have you back.

Carpenter: Well, itís good to be back.

Cougar: I always got your back!

Dutch: Letís ride each other bare back!

Carpenter: Yeah!

(The scene closes with them wrestling)

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