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Old 04/21/2009, 12:42 PM
mizzimad Male mizzimad is offline
"You, sir, are sissified"
Staff Alumnus
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,062
Dearest Nicole, from Whom All Good Things Radiate,

First, I want to wish you a very happy 39th birthday. Don't be afraid of forty; it's really not that bad. Everyone at this site will tell you that I reached that milestone in the '30s; however, everyone at this site lies like a baby-kissing politician. I want to share with you a secret that I have kept from this forum for the past four and a half years: in real life, I am a hot, virile, coochie-moistening, stiff-on-cue, 21-year-old megastud. Now, I realize that the following offer may seem too good to be true; nevertheless, I lay my cards on the table before you, which conveniently doubles as a hotbed of forbidden lust. Yes, my dear, for a limited time only, all of this rippling masculinity can be yours for the low, low price of just four easy, tax-free payments of $500,000 each. I call this the ultimate win-win situation: I get enough money to live off for the rest of my life, and you receive the ultimate hunk o' burning beefcake to do with as you please. Get it while it's hot!

Oh, all right, all right, since it's your birthday, I'll be happy to offer my services absolutely free. However, now comes the burning question: how do we deal with the husband problem? Fortunately for you, I have already arranged the ultimate getaway for Jason: an all-expenses-paid, one-way voyage to the Andromeda galaxy, one which may or may not be overseen by NASA. Yes, Mr. Packham, you can be among the first to explore our solar system's nearest neighbor. Who knows what wondrous adventures await you there? A planet with enough gravitational pull to crush our own Jupiter into fine dust? A meteor shower that could instantly melt all human flesh within a million-light-year radius? A black hole from which even God Himself couldn't escape? You are one lucky man, sir; I am truly envious.

So Nicole, sweetheart, here's where we stand: another boring, lavishly expensive present from Hubby or this once-in-a-lifetime offer from a rather sad man who is lying through his remaining teeth and is in reality well beyond the help of Viagra yet will do everything in his power to convince you otherwise. I think the choice is obvious: enjoy your birthday with Hubby and kids, and forget everything you have just read prior to this paragraph -- well, you know, except for the "very happy birthday" part. Love and stuff.

Your Favorite Entertainer of Impossible Fantasies,


"Charles Nelson Reilly is a bad mutha...."
"Shut yo' mouth!"
"I'm talkin' 'bout Macho Chuck."
"We can dig it!"
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