Cast:
Fred Willard: Himself
Phone Volunteer #2 (Never Speaks): Brian Bradley
Phone Volunteer #3 (Never Speaks): Michael Hitchcock
Phone Volunteer #4 (Never Speaks): Ryan Smith
Phone Volunteer #5: Colton Dunn
Phone Volunteer #6 (Never Speaks): Katie Dippold
Phone Volunteer #7 (Never Speaks): Chris Kula
Phone Volunteer #8 (Never Speaks): Kate Purdy
Phone Volunteer #9 (Never Speaks): Guy Stevenson
Lorraine Swanson: Mo Collins
Legend:
(
When something is in brackets and italicized, that means that it is a descriptive moment).
When a laugh smilie is seen, this means that Mo has broken character. She will resume character when another smilie is seen like so.
Sketch:
(
MADtv Stage. Fred is over at the call center).
Fred Willard: If your, if you’re like me there's nothing more thrilling than watching people talk on the phone. So I have a crazy idea, let's talk to one. Um, oh um have one of the volunteers left (
flushing sound is heard). Oh dear, okay.
(
Lorraine comes walking in stage right of Fred).
Lorraine Swanson: Huh?
Fred Willard: Alright.
(
Lorraine's name appears in a bar at the bottom of the screen).
Lorraine Swanson: Yeah, everything’s all out in the open.
Fred Willard: Oh yes. Your break probably took a little longer than you expected eh?
Lorraine Swanson: Yeah, you'd be surprised. Lickady split.
Fred Willard: Well thanks for the imagery. Um, what is your name my dear?
Lorraine Swanson: It's Lorraine.
Fred Willard: Lorraine.
Lorraine Swanson (
Coughs): Yeah. My husband Carl and I, we love to volunteer,
we just love it.
Fred Willard: That's wonderful. That's great.
Lorraine Swanson: Yeah, and I'll tell you why, we get free meal (
coughs). I don't suppose that we have paid for lunch in 6 years.
Fred Willard: That's great.
Lorraine Swanson: Unless you count that time in Tijuana at the shelter. That one, we paid for that one for a good week (
cough).
Fred Willard: Alright.
Lorraine Swanson: Smoosh it right down.
Fred Willard: It's been nice chatting with you Lorraine.
Lorraine Swanson: Huh?
Fred Willard: Why don't we get back to work.
Lorraine Swanson: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, back to the old salt grinds.
Fred Willard: Right here just, uh, just have a seat right here (
Lorraine seems to be looking for her seat, which is right in front of her). Lorraine?
Lorraine Swanson: It's kind of cold huh?
(
Lorraine starts to go down the first row).
Fred Willard: No, no, where? Darling uh, just right here.
(
Lorraine coughs in Phone Volunteer #4's face).
Lorraine Swanson: I'll just go ahead.
Phone Volunteer #5: Actually just.
Fred Willard: Lorraine, it would have been much easier.
Lorraine Swanson: Huh?
Fred Willard: just to have gone. Just to have sat down here. Oh dear (
She climbs up in front of Phone Volunteer #5. Fred off-screen). Oh, oh, oh.
Phone Volunteer #5 (
On-Screen): I mean, really? Seriously? Come one lady.
(
Lorraine spreads herself out on the table).
Fred Willard: No, no, no, no Lorraine (
Lorraine gets tangled in Phone Volunteer #6's phone cord). You making it much more difficult than it should have been.
Phone Volunteer #5: Alright, your seats right, right over there. You just have to get it. (
Lorraine is now tangled in everyone in the first rows phone lines)...
Okay.
Fred Willard: You know Lorraine, if you had just sat right up here we could have been moving along very quickly (
Lorraine falls between Phone Volunteer #2, and Phone Volunteer #5's seating area).
Oh my! Are you okay there? Is it, Lorraine (
Phone Volunteer #2, 3, and 5 help Lorraine get untangled from the phone lines, and get back into her seat)? Just put her right here.
Phone Volunteer #5: You just have to unplug the thing.
Fred Willard: These phone people are on so much stress. Believe me. Alright Lorraine oh (
Lorraine is back to her seat). There you go, there you go. Are you ready to take some calls?
Lorraine Swanson: Alright, I'll tell you what?
(
Lorraine starts to make a call).
Fred Willard: Lorraine what in the hell are you doing?
Lorraine Swanson (
Coughs): I'm giving my Carl, I'm giving my son Carl Jr. a call. He's over in Beijing. You don't know what time it is over there do ya?
Fred Willard: I have no idea.
Lorraine Swanson: Yeah, we got him on to the exchange
program
.
Fred Willard: Were trying to keep the phones free.
Lorraine Swanson: He's stayin. He's stayin over there with the Chin family. And in exchange we got...
Fred Willard: Lorraine were trying to...
Lorraine Swanson: We got a 17 year old daughter Minh over at our house. Minh Chin! Sounds more like a girl from
Germany
(
coughs). Carl. Carl huh? Well it's mom. Yeah what are ya doin? Yeah well, you know you'll go blind in the other eye.
(
Lorraine keeps talking).
Fred Willard: Uh, while Lorraine is running up our phone bill uh, why don't you guys watch this MADtv classic (
to Lorraine. Music starts to play as camera ). You know were trying to keep. Were trying to keep the phone lines free.
Lorraine Swanson: Huh, yeah well...
(
Sketch ends).