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Old 10/15/2003, 5:18 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Planet MADtv
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Default Episode S01E05 (Aired 1995-11-11)

Conference Call
Bill (Bryan Callen) and Nancy (Nicole Sullivan) are going to talk to their parents through a special Thanksgiving conference call phone line. Unfortunately, there parents are unable to understand the complexity of hearing both their children on one phone call when Bill is in Florida, and Nancy is in Toronto. After going around in circles between their parents greeting them, and wondering where they are, both parents hang up the phone, thinking the other has the phone.

Credits: Nicole Sullivan (Nancy), Bryan Callen (Bill), Mary Scheer (Mother), Artie Lange (Harry)

MADtv Pays Homage #1
The cast salutes the unseen heroes of MADtv, the cameraman. They invite the cameramen to come out and bask in the glory they experience in every episode, but since they are not controlling the cameras, the cameras are pointed into odd areas, or burred.

Credits: Debra Wilson (Herself), Orlando Jones (Himself), Artie Lange (Himself), Nicole Sullivan (Herself), Bryan Callen (Himself), Phil LaMarr (Himself), David Herman (Himself), Mary Scheer (Herself), Hal Havins (Cameraman #1), Lawrence Mandley (Cameraman #2)

IZM-Paris
Two men in a gay bar talk about which computer is right for them. They start to talk about the IZM computer model, but as the conversation goes on, the conversation on the computers start to become euphemisms for each mans sexual needs for each other. They pay the check and leave together.

Credits: Eric Stone (IZM Biker #1), Peter Werner (IMZ Biker #2)

Krishna Rock
A Havi Krishna rock group is playing at the airport, but one player Rommy (David Herman) wants to change it up. He wants to add some rock to the beat, and for the group to cross the terminal, and start playing in one of the big international airports. The group all thinks it's due to a woman he met Janice (Nicole Sullivan). When Janice comes by to give Rommy some coffee and a donut to give to Rommy to eat after his fast, the group is shocked that Rommy is eating sugar and drinking caffeine. Rommy says that Janice has some contacts at JFK International airport, and if they take her suggestions, they will be playing there in no time. When Janice says that they should consider dying down using the work Krishna because it gives off a bad image, the band puts there foot down. They say that Rommy must either choose the band or Janice. Rommy choose Janice, and says that they are going to the top of the Nirvana charts. Janice than comes back and says that she has been given a managerial position at a Dinkin Donuts in Newark Airport, and that she can't tour with Rommy. This forces Rommy to begrudgingly return to the band.

Credits: Orlando Jones (Male Krishna Band Member #1), David Herman (Rommy), Artie Lange (Male Krishna Band Member #2), Mary Scheer (Female Krishna Band Member), Nicole Sullivan (Janice)

Lowered Expectations-Mary
Are you desirably impaired? Do you find yourself serving punch at parties? Would you describe yourself as shy, old fashion, not on anyone’s A list? Is your ideal date someone in their early 20s with a perfect body and a sparkling personality? Well, unless you win the lottery you're never going to land that dream boat. But that doesn't mean you can't find somebody, and that's why Lowered Expectations might be for you. You might want Louise (Mary Scheer), who has been around the block, and likes her men lean and stringy. Her turn ons are comfortable bowling shoes, buffets, and guys who can take a punch. Her turn offs are filter cigarettes, last call, and guys who fall asleep inside her. Lowered Expectations. When you've been blown off by the rest, settle for what you can get.

Credits: Debra Wilson (Lowered Expectations Host), Mary Scheer (Louise)

Urine Monologue
Artie Lange talks about when his grandfather took him fly fishing, but as he talks, his throat is dry, causing him to ask for something to drink. Debra Wilson brings him out a glass of a yellow liquid. Artie drinks it, but the liquid is disgusting. When he asks what it is, Debra tells him its urine. When Artie asks why Debra would give him urine, Debra shows him the medical research that shows that urine can stop the cravings for hunger and alcohol, and can contribute to a generally better life. Artie than says that he feels oddly refreshed, and now has a hankering for urine.

Credits: Artie Lange (Himself), Debra Wilson (Himself)

Affirmative Crips
A gang is playing dominos in there hangout when one of their members (Orlando Jones) comes after being shot by a rival gang. They are getting ready to go after the guy when Janet Reno (Mary Scheer) comes in and tells them that the government is now taking affirmative action towards groups that don't represent the good and decency that this society holds. To combat the group, Janet sends in the Affirmative Action Crips, to bring stability and decency to the group. The sketch then switches to a message by Clarence Thomas (Orlando Jones) who says that affirmative action is bad because it discriminates against people of sex, and colour. Don't cripple the Crips.

Credits: Debra Wilson (Glock), Phil LaMarr (Cracker), Orlando Jones (Crip/Clarence Thomas), Mary Scheer (Janet Reno), Patton Oswald (Wheelchair Crip), Viola Stimpson (Elderly Crip), Bryan Callen (Hippy Crip)

Got Urine?
A man (Orlando Jones) gives a urine sample for testing. He then grabs a cookie that is offered for all patient, but after eating one his mouth gets really dry, with the only liquid available being his urine in the locked up cabinet. A sign than comes up that says Got Urine?

Credits: Orlando Jones (Patient), Nicole Sullivan (Nurse)

Don Martin-Beach Shovel **Animation**
A man walks by trying to impress some ladies. Unfortunately, he gets sand dumped on his head by the strongman with the women. The man gets so angry that for the next few months he builds up his strength until he has bigger mussels than the other guy. When he goes to reclaim his glory, the man has counteracted him with a backhoe machine that dumps a larger load of sand on him.

Larry King Gone Mad
A man (Phil LaMarr) and his wife (Debra Wilson) are throwing a dinner party, when Larry King (David Herman) comes to the party. He gives his opinions to pretty much everybody on the floor. Unfortunately, his opinions usually involve things like which race scares him the most, and wondering why anyone would say rooster when they could say cock. As the night goes on, Larry refuses to shut up. Even when the party ends, Larry is still talking, as he converses his deep thoughts with a lamp. As the couple who are throwing the party go to bed, Larry is just getting started, as he gets ready to have sex with the lamp.

Credits: Nicole Sullivan (Woman #1), Mary Scheer (Elaine), Phil LaMarr (Man), Debra Wilson (Woman #2), Artie Lange (Bartender), David Herman (Larry King)

Lowered Expectations-Artie
Hank from Waco, Texas is looking for a woman who he will treat like his gun collection. He'll polish her, lube her, and take her apart and give her a thorough cleaning. He loves all God’s creatures, but he loves killing them more. So, if you’re looking for a high calibre man who won't misfire, aim and shoot for Hank.

Credits: Artie Lange (Hank)

IZM-Torture
Two men talk about computers. One (Carlos Carrasco) of them is having problems with his computers. The man (Ron Henriquez) tells him about the IZM Computer, which has more space for storage, and is easier to use. The man says that he will e-mail the computer facts to the man tomorrow. The man is enthralled, and goes back to what he was originally doing. Torturing a man strapped to a chair, with electrical jumper cables and his feet in a bucket of water.

Credits: Carlos Carrasco (IMZ Terrorist #1), Ron Henriquez (IMZ Terrorist #2)

When Harry Met Willy
A new story from Alfred E. Phron, a romance that transcends race, religion, and species. When Harry Met Willy. The story of a man Harry Burns (Phil LaMarr) and his journey through the world that is relationships with his killer whale girlfriend Willy. It's about love, aging, sex, life in the tough world of New York City.

Credits: Mary Scheer (Meg Ryan: Willy), Phil LaMarr (Billy Crystal: Harry Burns), Sid Newman (Kuno Sponholz: Ben), Debra Wilson (Connie Sawyer: Whale), Nicole Sullivan (Kimberley LaMarque: Waitress), Edith Varon (Estelle Reiner: Woman in Deli)

Lowered Expectations-Nicole
Patty is a senior at the University of California, Los Angeles. She likes to roller blade, and has accepted Jesus Christ as her lord and saviour. If you haven't, you should meet up with Patty so she can help you find the true way. Her turn ons are the saviour, and banana milkshakes. Her turn offs are sex before marriage, dead things, and negroes. If you are looking for a Christ centered relationship with marriage as the ultimate goal, Patty will be waiting and praying.

Credits: Nicole Sullivan (Patty)

Midnight Golfer
A man (Bryan Callen) is conversing with a fellow co-worker (Phil LaMarr) on the shirt of another employee Roger (Artie Lange). But when the man talks about Roger, he uses many kind of euthanizes like Roger's "a midnight golfer", and that Roger "has a licence to farm in the city". Roger than overhears the man talking and walks over to ask him if he really meant it all. When the man says yes, Roger thanks him. When the co-worker than says to Roger "has all his lamps in one submarine", Roger takes that as a homosexual comment towards him.

Credits: Artie Lange (Roger), Bryan Callen (Man), Phil LaMarr (Co-Worker)

Don Martin: Stretching **Animation**
A man is being made fun of by a mussel builder. So he builds up his arm mussels with an arm workout item. When he is build up, he goes over to him and stretches his face out.

Breaking Up on Death Row
Jeremy Henderson (Bryan Callen) is about to be killed on death row, so he uses the moment as a perfect opportunity to break up with his girlfriend Susan (Mary Scheer).

Credits: Orlando Jones (Police Officer), Bryan Callen (Jeremy Henderson), Mary Scheer (Susan)

Buzzing Up
A man (Orlando Jones) is talking to someone on a pay phone. Across from him is a woman (Nicole Sullivan) who is also talking on a payphone. They are both talking to someone about how they broke up with their significant other. They are both using buzz words like "she tryin to get ready for church" and "if Domino's don't come soon, I'mma have to order from Little Caesars" used by the man, and "It was synchronicity" and "His car matched my eyes" by the woman. When the man's money runs out on the call, he asks the woman for a Buffalo, as in a nickel. She does not know what he is talking about and just says that she's totally vegan.

Credits: Orlando Jones (Man), Nicole Sullivan (Woman)

Lowered Expectations- Jeremy
After breaking up with Susan, Jeremy somehow finds his way off death row, and onto the Lowered Expectations set. Jeremy enjoys waterskiing, fine wine, and parking under the stars. His turn offs are unreliable people, diet soda, and neat freaks.

Credits: Bryan Callen (Jeremy Henderson)

IZM-Drug Deal
2 men are talking about how to increase their computer size and productivity, but under them, captions are appearing showing that what they are talking about, are actually just cover words for their sophisticated drug operation they are running together.

Credits: Artie Lange (Man #1), Phil LaMarr (Man #2)

Celibacy
Debra Wilson comes on to talk about something very important to her. Her celibacy. Debra talks about how she use to go wild if something like the cashier knocked a few dollars off her bill, or if a Jahovace witness came to her door. She then tells everyone to be cautious when approaching sex, because ultimately, it is everyone’s own choice. Bryan Callen then comes out and says how much he appreciates Debra sticking to her morals with her celibacy. As Bryan puts his hand around Debra to bring her in for a hug, Debra starts to look like she's holding something back. Like her lust for Bryan. As she hugs him, Bryan continues sending out her message, but as he does this, Debra then starts to hump him. She then seems to climax, and as she leaves with Bryan, she asks if anyone has a cigarette.

Credits: Debra Wilson (Herself), Bryan Callen (Himself)

Backstage
Backstage at the musical Cats, two women, Tabitha (Nicole Sullivan), and Alisha (Mary Scheer) practise their routine while talking about the relationship of Tabitha with her boyfriend Dan (Bryan Callen), but as they are practising, Alisha reveals that when her and Dan went to call-backs, they got drunk, and accidentally slept together. Tabitha feels betrayed by her so-called best friend. Dan then comes in, in full on cat ensemble. Almost immediately, Tabitha asks him if he slept with Alisha. Dan tries to get off the subject by sticking to the routine, but then Alisha tells him to tell the truth, and that he told her that he thinks she's "fringed in the sack". The argument begins to get really heated when the stage hand (Orlando Jones) comes by and tells everyone to get into their places, as the show is about to start. They put their differences aside and go on stage to do the show.

Credits: Orlando Jones (Stage Hand), Nicole Sullivan (Tabitha), Mary Scheer (Alisha), Bryan Callen (Dan)

Spy Vs Spy-Log Jam **Animation**
White Spy takes a picture of a hot woman and puts the picture in the lenses of Black Spy's glasses. He then puts a wood poll into the ground, and wakes up Black Spy. When Black Spy puts on his glasses he sees the woman and runs for her, inevitably running into the poll.

MADtv Pays Homage #2
After paying homage to the camera men, the cast pays tribute to the sound crew. The MADtv cast has also set up a song for the audience that the sound crew will sing called We Make the Sounds that Make the Whole World Laugh. As the crew get there instruments, and the sound crew kneel down on the floor to begin singing, the sound cuts out because they are not controlling it.

Credits: Debra Wilson (Herself), Orlando Jones (Himself), Nicole Sullivan (Herself), Artie Lange (Himself), Bryan Callen (Himself), Phil LaMarr (Himself), David Herman (Himself), Mary Scheer (Himself)

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Starring:
  • Bryan Callen (4A/5S/0W/0AF)
  • David Herman (2A/2S/0W/0AF)
  • Orlando Jones (5A/4S/2W/0AF)
  • Phil LaMarr (4A/3S/0W/0AF)
  • Artie Lange (5A/4S/0W/0AF)
  • Mary Scheer (4A/6S/0W/0AF)
  • Nicole Sullivan (5A/4S/0W/0AF)
  • Debra Wilson (6A/2S/0W/0AF)
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Co-Starring, and Featuring:
  • Hal Havins (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Lawrence Mandley (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Eric Stone (0A/1S/0W/0AF)
  • Patton Oswald (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Viola Stimpson (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Peter Werner (0A/1S/0W/0AF)
  • Edith Varon (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Carlos Carrasco (0A/1S/0W/0AF)
  • Ron Henriques (0A/1S/0W/0AF)
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Transcripts:---

Legend:
  • (A)ppearance Credit
  • (S)tarring Credit
  • (W)riting Credit
  • Non-Speaking Credit
  • (A)rchival (F)ootage Credit
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Last edited by tvmanismadformad; 07/12/2009 at 5:16 PM.
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