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Old 08/15/2004, 5:34 PM
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MJB12 Male MJB12 is offline
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Centennial, CO
Posts: 1,590
Default Marvin Tikvah: Father-Daughter Dance (#825)

Sketch length - 6:03

Marvin Tikvah.............................MICHAEL MCDONALD
Mindy Tikvah..............................NICOLE SULLIVAN (gs)
Betsy.............................................STEPHNIE WEIR
Betsy's Father..............................JOSH MEYERS
Waiter............................................IKE BARINHOLTZ

Betsy and her father enter.

BETSY: Oh, look dad. There's our table.

FATHER (re:chair): Allow me.

BETSY: Oh, this father-daughter dance is going to be the most magical- Ahhh!

FATHER: What's wrong?

BETSY: Oh, sorry. It's just...I don't like the girl that's assigned to our table.

MINDY (entering): What don't you like about me, assface?

An uproarious applause from the audience.

MINDY (during applause): You wanna say it to my face? Say it to my face?

BETSY: Oh, hi, hi Mindy. This is my father. Dad, this is Mindy.

FATHER: Nice to meet you, young lady. Ow! Those sure are some interesting fingernails you got there.

MINDY: Oh, sorry about that. My best friend did it. She's black, so...have either of you seen my dingleberry father around here?


MINDY: Well, maybe you've smelled him. He's a nauseating combo of polo and BO.

MARVIN (entering): There she is! (pause for applause) Mindy, why'd you leave me, you shot out of the limo like R Kelly chasing after a school bus. (to others) Hi, Marvin Tikvah. Don't tell me your names, I won't remember. (sits)

MINDY: Dad, aren't you going to pull my chair?

MARVIN: Aren't you going to pull my finger?

MINDY (sitting, under breath:) Stupid.

MARVIN: Mindy, for god's sake. Your breath reeks of alcohol.

MINDY: No, dad. That's your breath. My breath reeks of diet pills and weed.

MARVIN: Mindy, what have I told you about drugs? Always share them with your father!

MINDY: Dad, please do not piss me off when I'm high or I'll burn your entire porno collection.

MARVIN: That'd be some bushfire, huh? (cackles) Aren't kids today animals?

FATHER: No, actually, not all of them are. My Betsy would never smoke pot, she has too much respect for her body.

MARVIN: Looking at her in that dress, I've got a healthy respect for her body too. Mom I bet is real hot.

FATHER: Actually, she was. She passed away several years ago.

MINDY: I'm sorry, Betsy. If I had known you'd grown up without a mom, I woulda never taken a dump on your science project.

BETSY: Oh, that's okay. If I knew your dad was such a loser, I wouldn't have spread the rumor that you ate nachos off the janitor's hairy bottom.

MINDY: It's okay. It's true. Friends?

BOTH: Friends. (hug)

FATHER: Isn't that wonderful?

MARVIN: Yeah, both our daughters are dykes.

WAITER: Can I get anyone a drink?

BETSY: Oh, yes. I would like a water.

FATHER: Ah, I'll have water as well. With bubble. (laughs)

MARVIN: Ohh! I'm going to have a double scotch with a margarita chaser. Some sake. I'll have a beer. I'd like a little drambuie. And, uh, the girl from t.A.T.u. here can buy her own.

MINDY: I'll have a long island iced tea, please.

WAITER: You have an ID?

MINDY: No, but I have an IUD.

The waiter smiles and leaves. WAITER: Alright.

MARVIN: Classy.

MINDY: Please, you wouldn't know classy if it crawled out of your ass and did a spit take.

MARVIN: Come on!

FATHER: Sweetheart, would you like to dance?

BETSY: Yes I would, right now.

FATHER: Excuse us.

MARVIN: Why, which of you farted?

MINDY: Dad, it was me. (pause) Oh, that's sweet.

MARVIN: Why can't we be like that?

MINDY: Cause you're fat and I'm stoned.

MARVIN: Come on, let's dance.

MINDY: Dad, one look at you and motion, and they'll be vomiting in the aisles.

MARVIN: Come on, Mindy, it's not that bad!

MINDY: Dad, you have no idea how gross you are!

MARVIN: Mindy, if you dance with your father, your father will tell you where he keeps his black tar hash.

MINDY: Done.

She gets up. Swing music begins to play, and Marvin & Mindy begin a terrific swing dance routine.

At the end, Mindy sits on Marvin's knee, and they smile for a picture.

Member of Caity's Sig Posse

Last edited by MJB12; 08/16/2004 at 4:08 PM.
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