[MADtv] Entertainment Tonight: Just Married (#818)

[hellahellalala]

Entertainment Tonight: Just Married; Episode 818

Bob Goen - Michael McDonald
Mary Hart - Mo Collins
Jann Carl - Stephnie Weir
Leonard Maltin - extra
Joe Millionaire - Ike Barinholtz
Ashton Kutcher - Josh Meyers
Brittany Murphy - Christina Moore
Mark Steines - Ron Pederson

(Voiceover with images of celebrities)

Voiceover: It's time for Entertainment Tonight, the most watched, most important television program ever.

(Bob Goen and Mary Hart appear on screen)

Bob: Tonight, an ET exclusive first look at Jennifer Aniston's new eyebrow shape.

(Image of Jennifer Aniston, cut to Jann Carl)

Jann: Lisa Kudrow celebrates her 56th birthday in style.

(Image of Lisa Kudrow appears, cut to a smiling Mary)

Mary: And in AIDS ravaged Africa, the body count continues to rise as the end of the Angolan civil war reveals the worst African famine in decades. (smiles)

(Theme music plays, Camera pans over Leonard Maltin, Mark Steines, Mary and Bob in a line, all smiling)

Voiceover: Entertainment Tonight, featuring the Entertainment Tonight News Team. (while this is being said the camera pans back across the team, obviously too closely. They all have to lean backwards to avoid being hit by the camera, however it hits Leonard)

Leonard: (stumbles back holding his head) Son of a bitch!

(Cut to Bob)

Bob: In tonight's ET Cover Story In Depth First Look interview, everybody's talking about the surprise hit Just Married. The romantic comedy has already grossed over fifty million dollars in spite of being panned by every single film critic in America. Except, of course, ET's own Leonard Maltin.

(Camera changes to Leonard, who is now wearing a bandage on his head)

Leonard: (laughing) Just Married! Just terrific. There was a cockroach, and she fell down. And her mother's name, her mother's name was Pussy. Pussy! (laughing harder)

Bob: Thanks Leonard. (Leonard nods seriously) Here now from the exclusive press junket ET special correspondant Joe Millionaire goes one-on-one with Brittany Murphy and Ashton Kutcher.

(Graphic of a bomb exploding, opens to Joe)

Joe: Thanks Bob. Well I've been famous for 23 days in a row and, uh, today's definately the highlight. I'm talking to the Ashton Kutcher.

(Ashton and Brittany are sitting on a couch)

Brittany: (giggling) Isn't he amazing? I love you baby. (Brittany and Ashton start to make out and Brittany climbs on top of Ashton)

Joe: (reading from a cue card) So, Ashton and Brittany, the rumour is you two love to screw-

(Ashton and Brittany continue making out, oblivious. Joe turns the card over)

Joe: Around on the set. True? Yeah, yeah you get some.

(Ashton holds his hand out, Joe takes his hand and starts to lick his finger)

(Back to Mary and Bob)

Mary: Thanks Joe. Every year in Colombia 25,000 innocent civilians are murdered (image of body bags appears) and another 3,000 are kidnapped by Baath rebels (image of rebels) as the US government (image of US flag) stands by and does nothing. (smiles)

Bob: (laughs) But first, ET's Jann Carl was there as the cast and crew of the NBC mid-season replacement series Mister Sterling celebrated the taping of their 4th episode.

(Bomb graphic appears, cuts to Jann and three crew members holding a cake)

Jann: Thanks Bob. What a milestone. The crew from Mister Sterling has called this the happiest day of their lives.

(The crew blows out the candles on the cake)

Jann: (clapping) Back to you Mary.

Mary: Thanks Jann. In the Philippines the police torture innocent citizens with electro shock, beatings with metal pipes (image of someone being kicked) and use chili peppers (image of chili peppers) on detainees eyes or genitals to force false confessions. (smiles)

Bob: (laughs) But first another ET Exclusive First Look. ET on MTV on VH1's Mark Steines was on hand to film Joe Millionaire's filming of his Entertainment Tonight interview with Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy.

(Cuts to Mark Steines on set)

Mark: (in a lowered voice) Bob, I'm here on the set of Entertainment Tonight as special ET correspondant Joe Millionaire sits down with the stars of Just Married.

(Music plays as we are shown various shots of workmen standing around the set, Brittany and Ashton kissing and Joe licking Ashton's finger)

Mark: So Joe tell us, what can we expect from your interview with Brittany and Ashton?

Joe: Well you, you pretty much filmed me filming it, so you know, yeah. That's it.

Mark: Was it ever. Well, back to you Mary. (Mark raises his hand near Joe's face, Joe starts to kiss his finger while Mark smiles at the camera)

(Cut to Bob and Mary)

Mary: Thanks Mark. In South Africa between 28 and 30,000 children (image of young girls) are sold into prostitution every year, usually by their own parents.

Bob: (laughs) But first when we come back, an ET Exclusive First Look at Chaka Khan's cholesterol count.

Mary: Bob this doesn't matter. None of this matters. I want to talk about what really matters. Is this really my life?

(Mary walks off set leaving Bob looking bewildered for a few seconds)

Bob: Celebrating their periods today are (images appear as he talks) Sabrina's Melissa Joan Hart, Crossing Jordan's Jill Hennessy and The Parkers' Monique. Congratulations to you all.

(Theme music plays, Bob does a little dance as scene fades away)