I Want My MADtv: The Best of MADtv's Pop Culture Parodies Wraparounds (#1303)
Mario "Perez Hilton" Lavandeira: Himself
Xing Lao "Johnny" Gan: Bobby Lee
Pongo (Never Speaks): Danny Cho
Announcer (Never Seen): Bill Vogel
(When something is in brackets and italicized, that means that it is a descriptive moment).
When a musical note is seen, that means that the line is being said while singing. It will end when another musical note follows, like so.
Only the wraparounds will be transcribed.
(Perez is in a restaurant).
Mario "Perez Hilton" Lavandeira: Hello. I'm the queen of all media, the gossip gangsta himself, Perez Hilton. Tonight, I'm here at one of my favourite Hollywood hangouts hosting I want my MADtv (Title bar appears under him, with his picture to the left of it) the best of MAD's pop culture sketches (bar disappears), and joining me is a very special friend of mine. My counterpart for the evening (off-screen. Screen switches to Johnny. A bar with a name, and the I want my MADtv logo to the left of it appears under him) Mr. Johnny Gan. He's Thailand's top gossip blogger (On-Screen. Screen pulls out to see all 3 of them), and his friend, "Pongo". Friend (Screen goes to Pongo, and the same bar appears with Pongo's name on it)? Welcome Johnny.
Xing Lao "Johnny" Gan: Thank you Ms. Paris Hilton's. When I see you go to prison on the TV, you look like a woman, and I want to do you hard and sloppy, the Johnny Gan way (off-screen). But then when I see you (on-screen) in person I want to do you hard and sloppy less, or maybe not at all.
Mario "Perez Hilton" Lavandeira(Laughs): No, I'm not Paris Hilton, I'm Perez Hilton. I write about celebrities online, like Lindsey Lohan, and Star Jones, and Britney Spears.
Xing Lao "Johnny" Gan: Oh yes, I love the Britney Spears! I do Britney Spears hard and sloppy before the show in the gas station bathroom (Johnny brings up a photo of Britney with her mouth cut out. Perez laughs off-screen). And Pongo was with a friend too, right Pongo? Pongo ne mai tai ay (slaps Pongo. Pongo brings up a picture of Rosie O'Donnell with her mouth cut out).
Mario "Perez Hilton" Lavandeira (off-Screen): If that's suppose to be Rosie's mouth (on-screen) it needs to be a lot bigger (Cut). Since 1995, MADtv's been attacking pop culture more than I attack Victoria Beckam's alien head.
Xing Lao "Johnny" Gan: Oh. If I met Victoria Beckam, I would first sing to her. It, it moui gahni dickie dick dick ahh me you canda...
Mario "Perez Hilton" Lavandeira: Zig, Zig ah!
Xing Lao "Johnny" Gan: Ah, yes you know the song!
Mario "Perez Hilton" Lavandeira: Yes.
Xing Lao "Johnny" Gan: Indeed. I would attack her big plastic boobs, the Johnny Gan's way.
Mario "Perez Hilton" Lavandeira: Here's MAD's take on MTV's hit Jackass (Cut. Returns after the Britney & K-Fed's Thanksgiving Memories from #1216. Bar appears with Johnny and Perez's names on it.). That's not right. I think that sketch makes Britney look too smart.
Xing Lao "Johnny" Gan: I hope K-Fed gets the kids.
Mario "Perez Hilton" Lavandeira: And speaking of kids. Why the **** would Vanessa Hudgens take a naked picture of herself, send it out (off-screen. Picture goes up on Perez's laptop of Vanessa naked) via e-mail, when she knows dang well that I will (writes MINI MOUSE HOLE on the picture, and draws Mickey Mouse ears on her in yellow) eventually find it, draw on it, and post it on my website (on-screen) for millions of people to see!?
Xing Lao "Johnny" Gan: I, I, I don't know why? But Johnny Gan's would like a nude picture of Vanessa's pretty girlfriend, Zac Efron (Screen goes to Pongo, who is holding up a picture of Zac with a real head, and a drawn on woman's body). Yeah, right Pongo. Good job! Just like that. Pretty girl.
Mario "Perez Hilton" Lavandeira: Oh (Cut). Welcome back to (Bar appears with Perez Hilton's name, and then Queen of All Media under it) I Want My MADtv. MAD's look at all things pop culture (bar disappears). You know, for any gossip columnist, the new accessory of the season is the new (brings up phone) iphone from Apple.
Xing Lao "Johnny" Gan: That phone cost $500.00. Johnny Gan got an iphone knockoff from Thailand (brings up phone), only $25.00, and it's the same thing (phone falls apart). You said you make this good Pongo (slaps him. Pongo stares dumbfounded. Cut)!
Announcer (pictures of Laguna Beach appear as a slide show, as what the announcer is saying scrolls from the bottom): Wanna know what MADtv pop culture sketch has been viewed on the internet more than a million and a half times? Go to MADtv online and check it out. BI-OTCH (Bi-otch appears after the words have stops scrolling, at the bottom. Cut)!
Mario "Perez Hilton" Lavandeira (Perez only in shot): We're back with (Perez bar appears) I Want My MADtv. I'm Perez Hilton: Queen of All Media.
Xing Lao "Johnny" Gan: And I am Johnny Gan (Johnny bar appears): King of All Labia, and this is my (bar disappears) hilarious partner Pongo.
Mario "Perez Hilton" Lavandeira: Were looking at the best of MAD's pop culture sketches, and these days, pop culture has to include the internet. This next MAD sketch has had over 800,000,000,000,000 hits on the web.
Xing Lao "Johnny" Gan: I tell you what I want to hit 8000,000,000,000,000 times. Jessica Simpson's, and Ashlee Simpson's. No. Forget Ashlee Simpson's, Zac Efron's.
Mario "Perez Hilton" Lavandeira: That was a sketch featuring a man (Perez, Queen of All Media bar appears) as a woman. Now here's a sketch featuring a woman (bar disappears) as a man (Camera pulls out to see that Johnny is not there). Speaking of women, where's Johnny? Do you know where he went (off-screen)? Do you ever say anything (Cut)? Next up (Johnny, and Perez bar appears) is a look at MTV's hit show TRL, but before we do that I've got a little juicy gossip!
Xing Lao "Johnny" Gan: I got some hot gossip too from Thailand. Thailand actress Mangnang Ayeayeaye did a sex tape with an elephant, ping pongs, and a banana.
Mario "Perez Hilton" Lavandeira: How can you top that (Cut)? Olay. Bien vanito tro travesa (Johnny and Perez bar appears) I Want My MADtv. Now this next sketch features Heidi Klum, and this woman is the Devil. So let's (off-screen. Goes to Heidi Klum photo on her computer) change this up a little (Draws yellow devil horns on her head). She needs some horns definitely. Maybe a little description.
(Writes BITCH under her in yellow. On-Screen).
Xing Lao "Johnny" Gan: No, no, no. Give me the marker. I tell you what I do to Heidi Klum's (off-screen. Brings up picture of Heidi on his computer). First, I make marry's to Heidi Klum. Treat her special, as Mrs. Johnny Heidi Gan. We take sunset walk on beach (Johnny draws a paper bag on Heidi, and draws flowers underneath her. On-Screen), and buy puppies.
Mario "Perez Hilton" Lavandeira: Aw. That's so sweet.
Xing Lao "Johnny" Gan: Yeah, and then I throw her behind a dune, and I make hard, and sloppy, and sandy love to her, the Johnny Gan way.
Mario "Perez Hilton" Lavandeira: Thank you for watching I Want My MADtv. I'm Perez Hilton, it's been a lot of fun. Come on, let's go. It's trash day in Beverley Hills, and I need to rummage through Jessica Alba's dumpster. I'll hold you up by the ankles so you can help me.
Xing Lao "Johnny" Gan: Oh, you hear that Pongo? Johnny Gan gets to go through Jessica Alba's junk, while he holds my ankles the hard and sloppy way (waves). Thank you MADtv's. Goodnight.
Mario "Perez Hilton" Lavandeira: Thanks for watching bitches, now go to sleep, it's late.
Xing Lao "Johnny" Gan: Ah, manamena (Credits start to roll). Tapo, tapo, ia.
Mario "Perez Hilton" Lavandeira: Nah!
Xing Lao "Johnny" Gan: No, no, no. Nah fanamia oh dun dun.
Mario "Perez Hilton" Lavandeira: Dun. Badda
Xing Lao "Johnny" Gan: Badda.
Mario "Perez Hilton" Lavandeira: Badda, badda. Be, be.
Xing Lao "Johnny" Gan: Badda ba, ah!
Mario "Perez Hilton" Lavandeira: Why you tryin to **** with me?!
Xing Lao "Johnny" Gan: Ba. You don't know the song. The end of the road, you don't know it.
Mario "Perez Hilton" Lavandeira: I feel it though.
Rise from the Dead!
Planet MADtv (August 28th 2002- August 28th 2009, August 28th 2010)
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