Coach Hines: Judgment Day #1-2 (#1416)
Woman Audience Member #1: Unknown
Woman Audience Member #2: Unknown
Male Audience Member #1: Unknown
Male Audience Member #2: Unknown
Darnell: Eric Price
Woman Audience Member #3: Erica Ash
Magooie: Lauren Pritchard
Woman Audience Member #4: Unknown
Clerk (Never Speaks): Ed Bassmaster
Morrise: Arden Myrin
Priest: Matt Braunger
Nun #2 (Never Speaks): Unknown
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz, Eugene Struthers, Caress: Keegan-Michael Key
Joseph/Terry "Yaminashi" Yaminashi: Bobby Lee
Coach Hines Lady #1 (Never Speaks): Michelle Oyler
Coach Hines Lady #2 (Never Speaks): Unknown
(When something is in brackets and italicized, that means that it is a descriptive moment).
When a cry smilie is seen, that means the line is being said while crying. It will end when another cry smilie is seen, like so.
Due to the complexity of the best of Coach Hines video, it will not be transcribed.
(In a gym/conference room. People in the audience are talking).
okay, let's settle
(off-screen). Let's settle.
Morrise (On-Screen): Will the clerk please record that we are here to determine whether an incident that occurred on our campus last week warrants the termination of a faculty member.
(Coach Hines bursts in through the door center stage).
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz: Objection! Objection!
(Blows his whistle. Kicks).
Morrise: Coach Hines this is a school board meeting, not a court of law, and you will have the opportunity to speak.
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz: The kid is lying, I never touched him!
(Does a double leg kick on the table. Darnell stands up).
Darnell: I believe you coach.
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz: Thank you Darnell.
Darnell: I'm behind you all the way.
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz: Thank you.
Darnell: I love you dearly.
(Coach Hines looks at Darnell oddly. Darnell sits back down).
Morrise: Mrs. Magooie, could you please ask the student who is making the claim to join us.
(Magooie opens the door with the help of Male Audience Member #2. Yaminashi, who is in a wheelchair, rolls out with his neck in a neck brace, and this right leg in a cast).
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa jeepers heaters Yaminashi what happened?!
Joseph/Terry "Yaminashi" Yaminashi: Oh please, are you actually going to pretend you didn't do this to me you horrible beast.
(Darnell stands up).
Darnell: He is not a beast! He is a beautiful man!
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz: Okay Darnell. Thank you,
but you can shave a little off the top, okay.
Darnell: Well I, well I already did, you wanna see?
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz: No, sit down!
Priest (Off-Screen): Mr., Mr. Yaminashi (On-Screen) what happened this past Tuesday?
Joseph/Terry "Yaminashi" Yaminashi: Well, I was in the quad, helping out a student with his math homework, as I often do during my free time.
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz: What (Puts his left foot on the right handle bar of Yaminashi's wheelchair)?!
Are you kidding me?! Do you know what this jack nut
does during his free time, he fingers his noodle the bushes behind
Morrise (Off-Screen): Oh Coach (on-screen) Hines please! Mr. Yaminashi, go on.
Joseph/Terry "Yaminashi" Yaminashi: (Coach Hines foot is now off the wheelchair) Anyway, Coach Hines came up to me and said he wanted to see me, and I said "Why can't you see me? Are you blind (off-screen)?" And he said "Don't (on-screen) get smart with me!" And then I said "Okay, I'll get dumb so you can understand me (off-screen)." And then he said
"(on-screen) You kiss your mother with that mouth?" and I said "No I kiss your mother with that mouth (off-screen)." And then he said "You take that (on-screen) back!" And then I said "I did, but then your mom tracked me down, cause she craves the Yaminashi rod (off-screen)."
Morrise: Mmm hmm.
(The nuns and the priest start to write something down)
Joseph/Terry "Yaminashi" Yaminashi: And then he said "(on-screen) Don't joke about my mother!" I said "Why would I joke about the best piece of senior tail I've ever had (off-screen)." And then he said "(on-screen) I'm gonna kill you Yaminashi!" And then I blacked out, and then I woke up, and Coach Hines was standing before me with this crazy look in this eye. He was horrible.
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz: Are you kidding me?
Joseph/Terry "Yaminashi" Yaminashi: Members of the board. I submit exhibit A.
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz (Off-Screen): Oh yeah?
Joseph/Terry "Yaminashi" Yaminashi: Video that proves that Coach Hines has consistently threatened violence, and therefore easily capable of the alleged act. Light please.
(The lights go down as the view shifts to a television stage right of the clerk. Coach Hines sits down. The video Yaminashi has made is called Coach Hines Ready, Set, Die that shows all of the moments Coach Hines has threatened violence. At the end of the video, the words Ready, Set, Guilty appear on screen split in-between past clips. When the video ends, the lights go up. Coach Hines is now standing again).
Morrise: We will take a short recess (stands up) and when we return we will decide whether or not to terminate Coach Hines's contract!
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what about my side of the story?! What?! I'm tellin ya, I never laid a hand on this kid! I never laid a hand on him!
(Does a kick move on the table. The screen freezes and the words to be continued appear at the bottom of the image.
Sketch #1 ends).
(Everyone is berating Coach Hines)
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz: It's my word against...
Priest: Wha, let's settle. Let's, let's.
Morrise (Stands up. Priest Bangs Gavel): Shut it!
(Everybody stops talking).
Priest (Off-Screen): Thank you, Sister Morris (on-screen). Due to Coach Hines propensity for violence, it is the determination of this board that he be terminated immediately.
Darnell (Stands Up): You are all bastard people, and you will pay for this!
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz: Okay,
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz: Darnell
Darnell (Sits Down): Ohh!
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz: Take it easy Darnell its okay, I know when I'm licked.
Darnell (Stands Up): I know when I'm licked too, but it doesn't feel any better.
(Darnell sits back down).
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz: I'd uh, like to say a few words, if I might?
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz: Anything I ever did here I did for the kids, you know. You know my father, never yelled at me once in his whole life, In fact my father hardly ever spoke to me. And I'll tell ya what I wouldn't give to have my father say to me "Son, you straighten up, or I will shove a bag of tacks down your throat, and you will be pooping pins for a week" (off-screen). So I don't yell (on-screen) at these kids because I hate them, or because I think they're stupid. I yell at them because they matter, Okay? And if that is something that is suddenly unacceptable, than I think it is time for me to turn in my whistle (takes off his whistle from his neck), okay.
(Puts his whistle on the table, and straddles his leg over Yaminashi as he heads for the door).
Joseph/Terry "Yaminashi" Yaminashi: Wait (Coach Hines stops, and turns around)! Coach Hines didn't do this to me. I made it all up. It was a scam to get the insurance money. I'm a horrible person, I need therapy!
Woman Audience Member #3 (Off-Screen): Yes you are!
Morrise: Uhh (sighs). In light of this new information, perhaps we should reconsider Coach Hines termination.
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz: Well, you know thanks chief, but my work here is done.
Morrise: What do you mean?
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz: My whole goal for coaching was to inspire just one jack nut to do the right thing just one time, and Yaminashi just did it.
Joseph/Terry "Yaminashi" Yaminashi: What you're not going to coach anymore? What will you do for work?
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz: No I don't need the work. I never needed the work, the Heinz family fortunes worth about $10.6 billion dollars.
Morrise: Family fortune, as in Hinez Ketchup family fortune?
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz: Oh yeah, yeah.
Joseph/Terry "Yaminashi" Yaminashi: But you spell your name H-I-N-E-S.
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz: Yeah, that's because I changed my name. You know I, I, I, I, that wasn't the life for me, you know what I'm talking about, I didn't need the girls, the party, the planes, so I decided to uh, go to junior college, major in physical education, start coachin (A helicopter warring starts to be heard outside). Oh, oh do ya here that? Oh, that's my ride (laughs). I gotta take off guys. That's my chopper right there, okay (off-screen). It was great to know you (to Yaminashi). Don't you cry (gets down to Yaminashi's level, and points at him). Don't you cry you dumb fudnugget, don't you cry. Don't you do it okay, you’re going to be fine Yaminashi, you’re going to be just fine Yaminashi (reaches for whistle, and picks it up from the table). Here you go Yaminashi. What do ya think of that (puts whistle around Yaminashi's neck) huh, for you? Give it a blow, give it a blow (Yaminashi blows the whistle). There, feel the power? Give it a blow (Yaminashi blows the whistle). Give it a blow huh (Yaminashi blows the whistle)? Take notes Darnell.
Darnell: I am.
Sandoval "Coach Hines" Hines/Heinz: Just kidding, alright (to Yaminashi). Now listen, you’re going to be fine okay. And always remember, I'm going to be watching you on my close circuit family spy satellite, and I swear if you mess up, I'm gonna send the Heinz family Cyborg down here to cut your body in half with the edge of one of my diamond cufflinks, okay. So you take it easy. It's been fun everybody (kicks). Peace
(Kicks his leg out the door before leaving. Paper from the Metropolitan Tribune then spins in with a main article title that says "LOST HEIR RETURNS TO CLAIM HENIZ FORTUNE.
An image is also on it that has Coach Hines, in a suit in front of a microphone with 2 hot ladies. the scene then fades into a restaurant, with Eugene Struthers reading the paper).
Eugene Struthers: A multi-billionaire!
That Coach Heinz took it to the HN
L! To a Ho...
Caress (Off-Screen): Uh, excuse me (Eugene looks up. Caress is there.
She sits in the booth across from Eugene). Oh, oh, Sandoval Heniz! I went to high school with him.
He was so sexy mmm. I remember he use to have this uh, full head of lush hair. He was beautiful. Perhaps I should give him a call.
Eugene Struthers: I have seen some ugly ass women in my day.
Caress: Mmm Hmm.
Eugene Struthers: But you take it to a Ho... Nuba... Lebol.
Caress: Oh, goodness.
(Eugene gets up, and goes out of scene. Sketch #2 ends).
Rise from the Dead!
Planet MADtv (August 28th 2002- August 28th 2009, August 28th 2010)
Last edited by tvmanismadformad; 07/19/2009 at 12:13 AM.
Rise from the Dead!
Planet MADtv (August 28th 2002- August 28th 2009, August 28th 2010)
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