70 ways to tell if you're a mallcore kid

[Cagnazzo]

I found this cool article on another forum. I know I could have just posted a link to the site, but I'd rather just annoy you all with the length of this.

You might be a mallcore kid if...:

01. Your hair is dyed a color that doesn't appear naturally in humans, and you think tattoos and piercings are "sexy."
02. "Rip," "Suck," and "Rule" are the best descriptions you can come up with for music.
03. You think ICP is funny.
04. You think Korn is a metal band.
05. When you write or type words, you do it LiKe ThIs because you think it looks ReAlLy kEwL. <--- POTTY >;|
06. You think "Eighties Metal" refers to Motley Crue, Bon Jovi, and Poison.
07. You call yourself a metal fan, but when someone mentions Tom G. Warrior you just get a confused look on your face.
08. You're white, yet you wear really baggy clothes and try to come off as being hardcore.
10. You call people "fags" and "pieces of muthaf--kin' s--t."
11. You assume that if someone doesn't like Slipknot, they must listen to "***** stuff like N'Sync".
12. You claim to like heavy metal, yet can't name any German thrash bands.
13. You call things "the s--t."
14. You own a Dr. Suess hat.
15. You think "goth" means Marilyn Manson.
16. You associate "industrial" with Prodigy instead of Skinny Puppy and Foetus.
17. You have a tribal tattoo.
18. You'd just die if Jonathan Davis touched you!
19. You think black metal bands are trying to copy Kiss with their image.
20. You say things like, "Korn rulz and always will! If u dun like them you sux!"
21. You're under 20 years old and claim to like "extreme music."
22. You think the cops probably want to steal your pot.
23. Your music collection consists of less than 100 items. Most or all of these names appear in your collection: Korn, Taproot, Limp Bizkit, Fear Factory, Machine Head, Coal Chamber, System Of A Down, Downset, Soulfly, Pantera, Mudvayne, and Static-X.
24. You say some rap is good.
25. You love Incubus and don't know that there was once a Florida thrash metal band by the same name.
27. You're a 17 year old female and wear crop tops under your open ski jacket in January to show off your navel piercing. Flabby abdominal muscles do not seem to deter you, either.
28. You know who Wayne Static is and think his hair is kEwL.
29. You think Korn "revitalized heavy metal", even though the band themselves want to be disassociated with the genre.
30. You don't realize that Rob Flynn disgraces his past in Vio-lence with every passing moment he spends in Machine Head.
31. You have covered the back of your car in stickers, including at least one anarchy symbol, and one alien.
32. You think death metal is Satanic.
33. You think that by dressing, looking and talking like every other Mallcore simpleton that you're showing your individuality and expressing your uniqueness.
34. You think Fear Factory keeps getting better on every album.
35. You don't realize that Pantera ripped off Exhorder after deciding to cease and desist with glam.
36. You think that Metallica is good for a bunch of old geezers and Reload rocks!!
37. You consider The Black Album "old Metallica".
38. You think that Roadrunner is an underground label.
39. Best Buy meets all of your music needs.
40. You think you're on the cutting edge of music after seeing such "obscure" bands as Mushroomhead, Taproot, and Drowning Pool.
41. You learned your ebonics from Hatebreed.
42. You never experienced the torture of "Headbangers' Ball" - sitting through 2 hours and 50 minutes of White Lion, Extreme, Enuff Z Nuff and Poison to see a Kreator video.
43. You think Kid Rock is the first person to combine rap with "heavy" guitars.
44. You actually like Staind. Enough to buy it on CD. Enough to see them live. Enough to wear one of their shirts in public.
45. You say you hate the government yet can't name more than five people who actually work in the government, and one of those people is your aunt Irene that works at the DMV.
46. You don't find this rant amusing in the slightest.
47. You think your backpack goes nicely with your backwards baseball cap.
48. You think that the pictures of Coal Chamber are not at all silly, goofy, ugly, or stupid. In fact, you think at least one of the band members is really hot - even in these clothes. In fact, you dress like this every day and your parents and/or teachers give you a lot of grief about it.
49. You say things like "Korn are heavier than Iron Maiden or Judas Priest ever were".
50. You're constantly in danger of tripping over your wallet chain.
51. You shave your eyebrows to look like that fag from Orgy.
52. You think Stormwitch, Anvil, Destruction and Blood Feast are new games for N64.
53. You think Slipknot is "The heaviest f--king band on earth, ever. Nothing could top that, dude."
54. You think Linkin Park mosh pits are "violent."
55. Your parents hate your look but buy you your ridiculous clothes anyway because your broke ass won't.
56. You actually go out and buy the bands played on Farmclub.com
57. You think a band kicks ass if the guitarist performs a BMX Tabletop while he's playing that constant over-distorted open sludge note on it.
58. You look like Fred Durst.
59. You wear a red baseball cap that's somewhat furry.
60. You look like Eminem and actually think he's kEwL.
61. You know every lyric to all of Eminem's albums.
62. Before the Black Album got huge, you called Metallica "worship-Satan, kill-your-mother, rape-your-sister s--t."
63. Hot Topic, Aeropostale and Gadzooks meet all of your clothing needs.
64. You actually think Kid Rock is worth your spending money on.
65. When somebody mentions metal, you think Papa Roach instead of Motorhead.
66. You've heard real metal and you don't like it.
67. You refuse to acknowledge the fact that Slipknot's masks are just gimmicks.
68. You think Limp Bizkit and Crazy Town are "tight."
69. You call death metal boring but you've never actually listened to a death metal band.
70. You get confused in the metal chatroom as to why most people there are "dissing" your favorite band.

I wouldn't quite consider myself to be a metalhead, but DAMN this list is helurriouz. Especially #68, because that was me when I was 12.

[TheGooseGoblin]

I don;t think I know what Mallcore is. A lot of those make sense but then other questions make me think I am wrong about who the joke is about....



And just because I don't 100% get it, that doesn't mean it isn't funny.

[Cagnazzo]

Mallcore is derogatory term primarily used by fans of "REAL" metal (ie. Cannibal Corpse, Arch Enemy, Slayer) to connotate music that has no business being called 'metal' such as nu-metal and some forms of metalcore. They tend to imply that the music is only modestly unsuited to be heard in a shopping mall, as opposed to the harder metal bands. Metalheads claim that the "mallcore" bands are marketed towards angsty, depressed, mall-going teenagers. It's not just about the music they listen to, but their image as well.

I'll bet you $50 none of those 'mallcore kids' would have any idea who Immortal, Kreator, or Amon Amarth are.

[elscorcho]

I don't fit in with either group. I just wanna be included! Ha, not really. Whoever made this list has too much time on his/her hands.

[Scorpiogrrl4405]

Originally Posted by elscorcho

I don't fit in with either group. I just wanna be included! Ha, not really. Whoever made this list has too much time on his/her hands.

Or this person wanted people to stop picking on him

[NemesisDesign]

Originally Posted by xCagnazzo

You might be a mallcore kid if...:
10. You call people "fags"
51. You shave your eyebrows to look like that fag from Orgy.

Critical logic failure!

This is pretty funny because I used to know a lot of mallcore kids back in California. I do sort of resent the way that a lot of metalheads have decided that every fan of metal needs to love Iron Maiden, Judas Priest and older German thrash metal. I like my metal like I like my coffee black or Scandinavian (I'm aware this doesn't make sense).

[elscorcho]

Originally Posted by Scorpiogrrl4405

Or this person wanted people to stop picking on him

I see this list as picking on a whole group of people. Sure they may be annoying, but people are who they are and they listen to the music they like. I think they should settle this through some kind of competitive interpretive dance, because that's always fun ^_^

[Scorpiogrrl4405]

Originally Posted by elscorcho

I see this list as picking on a whole group of people. Sure they may be annoying, but people are who they are and they listen to the music they like. I think they should settle this through some kind of competitive interpretive dance, because that's always fun ^_^

Oohhhh interpretive dance-off! I like it!

[Pizzotty]

Originally Posted by elscorcho

I don't fit in with either group. I just wanna be included! Ha, not really. Whoever made this list has too much time on his/her hands.

So did the people who read the list. HehehHE. JAYYKAYY. Or am I?

[Cagnazzo]

NOT FUNNY POTTY. NOT. FUNNY.